The big question I have been asked in recent weeks is how to raise kids so that they become socially-competent, community-minded and respectful of themselves and others.

For those parents who have followed the recent fortunes of 16 year-old Melbourne newly appointed party organiser Corey Worhtington you may thinking how do you avoid raising your young person to be another ‘Corey’?

It is worth noting that sixteen is a difficult age for many boys. They tend to enter a type of adolescent fog, where their vocabulary shrinks to ‘whatever’, ‘as if’ and ‘don’t care’. This is a great way to keep adults at bay! Schools and parents battle for the hearts and minds of girls and boys at this age as social notoriety can take precedence over academic or work success.

But the evidence is ironclad. The homes and schools that are able to promote positive social behaviours in young people have a mixture of warmth, firm boundaries and an acceptance of their psychological need for autonomy. Adults who take the old authoritarian, “You do this because I said so” can talk until they are blue in the face and most young people during this stage will switch off.

Interestingly, AustraliaScan research reports the trend in recent years for a more rigid and discipline-based parenting approach rather than a liberal one. We need to make sure we adhere to a balanced parenting approach that includes relationship-building, holding kids’ accountable for poor behaviour and a hell of a lot of guidance. Despite rumours to the contrary teenagers overwhelmingly tell us they do value their parents input into their lives as long as they feel loved, valued and listened to by their elders.

Here are 10 tips for beating the Brat factor in teenagers:

Reward responsibility with greater freedom: It’s tempting to give them free rein because every other teenager of the same age has plenty of freedom. Try linking greater freedom to responsible behaviour.

Make it easy to be stick to the rules: Don’t place impossible demands on kids that they can’t keep. This only invites rebellion.

Make it hard for risk-taking behaviour: Adolescents by nature experiment and take risks. Don’t pull down the boundaries to make risk-taking easy at this stage. Build higher fences (e.g. “be home by a certain time”; “I must know where you are going”) for them to climb over. It doesn’t eliminate risk-taking. However it reduces it.

Make them accountable for poor behaviour: When they stuff up make them accountable. For instance, when they are home later than the agreed time they can miss going out next time.

Avoid giving life sentences: Judges are loathe to give life sentences as they give no incentive for improved behaviour. Ban a teen from going out for a week rather than leaving it open-ended. Don’t go overboard with consequences.

Don’t let them drop out of the family: Make sure they turn up for family events such as shared mealtimes and special occasions such as birthdays. Connectedness to family is a proven protective factor for young people.

Use logic and facts, not scare tactics: Being ten foot and bullet-proof means that many think that bad things won’t happen to them. Young people respond far better to facts and logic than parental scare tactics and lectures.

Take an interest in their interests: Adolescence is a stage of identity formation and their interests become linked to their identity. Take in an interest in what they are doing and you are showing approval of them.

Open up the door to other adults: Teenagers long for closeness with adults yet they spend so much time with their peers. Most teens have a public face, which tells adults to stay away and a private face, which says engage with me. Make your young person feel okay about developing relationships with other adults such as their friends’ parents, relatives and teachers.

Communicate carefully: Brain research shows that adolescent brains are under construction. One of the side effects of this brain development is that they easily misread the communication of others. Genuine parental concern can be misread as anger and your attempts at humour can be seen as sarcasm. Communicate respectfully, thoughtfully and logically – just as if you are going for a job interview.

Michael Grose © 2008

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