I just received this email from a Happy Kids reader who attended the Melbourne Parenting for Resilience seminar three weeks ago:

“When I saw you present recently you urged we mothers of sons not to ask ‘how do you feel...’ but rather ‘what do you think ...’

I put this to the test last week when my son woke in the middle of the night to say his urine was red. We’d already been to hospital the day before and we both knew that this would mean admission. I knew he was scared, as he asked if he could sleep the rest of the night in my bed, so I took the opportunity to ask, ‘what do you think about going back to hospital’.

Well, it was like ‘open sesame.’ He told me he was scared. I was able to reassure him that all would be well. He did indeed get admitted to hospital and spent 5 days there and along the way I used ‘think’ language to gauge how he was doing.”

I am rapt that my little suggestion made such a big difference at such stressful time for both parent and son.

I am also amazed how it is the little things that make such a big difference particularly when it comes to communicating with boys.

So what’s ‘think language’ about and what’s the big deal?

A simple, almost foolproof way to get boys of all ages to talk at an emotional level about difficulties is to ask them what they think about a situation rather than how they feel about it.

For instance, if a boy’s best friend leaves school resist asking him how he feels about it. He will probably just shrug his shoulders and say, “Dunno”. And he most likely doesn’t know how he feels either.

If you say, “What do you think/reckon about your friend leaving?” he is more likely to respond with something informative even he used one words answers. Replies such such as “Awful” and “Crappy” give you the opportunity to probe a little further -“What’s awful about?” “Yeah, I guess it is crappy. What do you think you should do about it?”

The point here is that the way to a boy’s heart is frequently through his head.

I imagine it has something to do with the way our brains are wired. I am not sure however I do know that think language works. By beginning to tell you what’s on their minds boys will end up telling you what’s happening deep inside

Next time you wish to take a male in your life to an emotional space consider using ‘think language’ rather than ‘feeling language’ to get him there. There are no guarantees but you are more likely to be successful if you use this mode, which he is comfortable and familiar with.

Michael Grose © 2008