Only two percent of American women like the way they look in a bikini. (The percentage is even lower for American men.)

The desire to be a member of the elite "two percent club" drives many a woman to the spandex capital of the world--the gym. A first-timer is often tempted to ask other women how long they’ve been working out. This question can be interpreted in two ways: 1) Maybe if I stay with it as long as you have, I'll look as good as you do. Or, 2) Wow! How bad were you before?

This is because we women tend to compare ourselves to other women and we always come up short—or tall, or fat or thin, though seldom thin. Because comparing yourself to the wrong woman can result in a self-esteem induced craving for cream puffs, there are several types of exercisers that you should never compare yourself to:

Never compare yourself to anyone whom you think looks better working out than you do on a night on the town. I could swear there are women who shower BEFORE they exercise. They fix their hair and put on make-up and then they head for the gym. I don’t always get that done before I go to work.

Never compare yourself to what I call a mathematician. That is someone who can tell you at any given moment what her body fat percentage is and how many calories, fat grams, and carbohydrates she’s eaten that day. This can be especially depressing if you’re pretty sure you had at least that many in the car on the way to the gym.

Never compare yourself to a newlywed or even a newly in-love. There is nothing like romance to cause a woman to stop eating. Fortunately by her second anniversary she’s regained her sanity—and with it much of the weight she lost.

Never compare yourself to a chronic dieter. If she catches you looking at her she may kill you. She hates exercise and she’s cranky because she hasn’t eaten all day. She’s made up her mind to exercise two hours every day and survive on lettuce and diet soda until she’s a size six, no matter what. She sticks with her regimen for exactly three days and loses five pounds. Then on day four, exhausted, famished, and discouraged, she leaves the gym and goes directly to a nearby bakery where she has not one, not two, but three seven-layer bars. After this, you will not see her at the gym for a long time, although you may see her at the bakery. Don’t look at her there either.

Never compare yourself to what I call a reformer. That’s a person who once ate nothing but deep fried white sugar and now eats only whole grains and organic fruits and vegetables. I recently overheard two reformers talking about how they could never return to their former lifestyles of poor eating and no exercise. But, both admitted there are still some things from their shameful pasts that tempt them. One said pork rinds actually call out her name as she passes by them at the grocery store.

“What does?” the other said innocently.
“Pork rinds,” said the first.
“Pork what?”

The woman had never heard of pork rinds. Is that possible in America?

You can see how comparing yourself to women like these could result in a diet disaster. Instead, compare yourself to the way you were before you started exercising (unless it was better). If you must compare yourself to someone else, compare yourself to someone in worse shape than you are—me for example.

Personally I’m very choosy about who I compare myself to at the gym, and for good reason. I still only wear thongs on my feet. The last time my abs were flat, I was ten-years-old. And, by golly, I know a pork rind when I see it.

© Dorothy Rosby

Dorothy Rosby is a contributing humor columnist for Fabulously40, visit her blog to learn more about her.