Does your child get information about sex? What are the common sources of information and how do you as a parent have an impact on what they see and hear?

A survey just released by Joan Sauers, an author and script-writer that specialists in films for children and adolescents shows the majority of teenagers learn about sex from pornography.

The survey “Sex Lives of Australian Teenagers” found that 92% of 13/14 year old boys have seen pornography. The figures for girls of the same age is slightly less. What is perhaps startling is that 20% of seven year olds boys have seen pornography.

With hardcore porn now being just a netsearch away these results are hardly surprising. However, what is startling is that teenagers say they learn about sexuality from pornography. This is evident in the new sexual sequence for teens, which is commonly expressed through pornography – kissing, touching, mutual masturbation, oral sex and then intercourse. Many teens don’t see oral sex as sex. From their viewpoint Bill Clinton was telling the truth!

Sauers offers good advice for parents. She was quoted in the latest issue of The Bulletin, “There is no right age to talk about sex, but it should be part of the wallpaper. Sex ed isn’t about ‘the big talk’ when you explain about the penis and vagina. It’s about laying the groundwork for a whole emotional context of sexuality, to talk about attraction, love and pleasure.”

Teens, in this survey, revealed that while they may know all about the biology of sexuality, what they want more information about is emotional intimacy and the mechanisms of how relationships work.

Place sexuality inside a framework

It seems that adults need to place sexuality inside a framework, which is broader than just behaviour (what they are up to?) and physiology (plumbing?). The framework needs to include the notion of values (which includes choice) and relationships (how sexuality fits into relationships).

Sexuality framework:

Behaviour

Physiology

Values

Relationships

Talking with kids

Talking about sex requires some pretty nifty communication skills as sexuality becomes a very personal when adolescence arrives. There appears to be five traits shared by parents who are able to talk openly about sexual issues with their children and young people:

Parents give factual, truthful answers to children’s questions. This is always tricky but basically it means giving kids enough information when they ask for it to satisfy them at their age and stage of development.

Parents listen to children. Don’t shut them down or put them off when they ask curly questions. Take a deep breath and jump in with both feet.

Children are able to voice their opinions about sexual issues. It can be when kids express opinions that differ from ours. How we manage these differences is the key to open communication between parents and kids. Challenge them with facts but allow different view points to occur.

Parents don’t insist that children stick to rigid codes of behaviour. Another curly one! From experience those parents who operate from extremely rigid behavioural codes often experience a great deal of stress and inevitably their views fall on deaf ears. This is tricky if you have very strong moral views however it is best to work from the reality of what is occurring. Incidentally, children scan their parents for their views and if there is a skerrick of homophobia they are less likely to ‘come out’ than if they perceive tolerance and acceptance.

Parents use real life opportunities to engage children in discussions about sexuality. Once country kids had a head start in sex education as reproduction was part of life on the farm. This has changed a little due to media overexposure however the principal of treating sexuality as just ‘part of life’ is worth pursuing. To this end savvy parents make the most of the teachable moments all around them. Watching some stuff on TV can provide an opportunity to talk about sex. A relative falling pregnant, a gay friend coming out or an accidental visit to the wrong website can provide an entry into sticky subject areas.

Talking with kids about sex is at the hard end of the parenting spectrum. It obviously can’t be left up to schools and as Sauer’s research shows kids have no trouble satisfying their curiosity via the net. The net may teach them that sex is fun but they need to learn from someone that there is a little more to it!

By Michael Gross