M ost professions require a certain level of training, if not formal qualifications and yet the most important and difficult role that many people will perform during their lifetime is that of being a parent, a job that does not call for any specific criterion or prior training course.  Personally, I find that frightening, particularly when a precious life is in your hands.

T he first time that I had ever held a newborn was the day that my baby son was placed into my arms on 22 March 1982.  When I thought about the number of immobile vases that I had dropped and broken, the thought of being responsible for the safety of a live, wriggling baby was quite alarming.  Babies couldn't be repaired with superglue, nor did they sit quietly on the windowsill whilst you got on with your life.

W hen I first arrived home from hospital, I stared at my baby son in his crib and cried.  Nobody warns you about how hormonal changes can turn you into a gibbering, paranoid wreck.  This helpless little person's survival was totally dependant on me, Miss Clumsy, who was prone to bouts of absentmindedness, who needed at least one uninterrupted hour to get ready in the mornings and who couldn't function on less than 10 hours sleep a night.

O f course, my *son did live and is now a strapping 20-year-old, along with my 16-year-old daughter, 14-year-old son and 2-year-old daughter.  Nothing like on-the-job training to whip you into shape.

A s a fully-fledged mother, I would like to impart my knowledge to anyone contemplating parenthood and have devised the following training course accordingly.

T he Jan Andersen Training Course For Parents-to-Be

W hat the course involves:

? T aking away 9 of your salary.  The remaining 1 is what you have left to buy food and essential household items, pay the bills and enjoy your leisure time

? W alking around for nine months with a sack containing a small kangaroo strapped to your abdomen.  After nine months, remove the kangaroo from the sack and replace with an enormous lump of lard

? H aving vomit, diahorrea, milk and mucus tossed and wiped over your clean clothes at regular intervals

? S leep deprivation, which includes pacing the floor at one, two, three, four and five in the morning with a sand bag strapped to your chest, whilst listening to the sound of relentless screaming

? W earing clothes that have been soaked in sour milk

? H aving a leaking urine bag placed in your lap several times a day

? A ttaching a vacuum cleaner nozzle onto your nipples at least every two hours and switching on.  Leave in place for 45 minutes each time.  You are now prepared for breastfeeding

? P lacing food into an electric blender, leaving the lid off and switching on. Keep dropping food into the blender whilst it operates. This gives you a broad idea of what feeding time is like for the first couple of years

? H aving a small, restless and demanding creature alternately tied to your leg, hip and shoulder 24 hours a day.  A Jack Russell Terrier is a good choice of animal for this exercise

? A visit to a sewage farm on a hot day.  The smell should prepare you for the nappy from hell

? B eing humiliated in a crowded, public place at least once a day

? B eing head butted in the nose and mouth and having your eyeballs prodded with a forefinger several times a day

? G oing to an important social extravaganza with wet hair, one eye made up, a tomato sauce / chocolate / miscellaneous slop stain on your dress and wearing odd shoes

? B eing denied the opportunity to go unaccompanied to the toilet, take a shower or do anything else that you would normally do alone

? T aking a herd of Wildebeest around a shopping centre, then apologising to the store managers and offering to pay for breakages

? H aving your bed used as a trampoline at the crack of dawn, whilst you are still in it

? B athing a small squid

? T rying to place five live eels into a small, cloth bag simultaneously.  This demonstrates the dexterity needed to dress a small child

? J uggling thirty different objects for 12 hours non-stop without dropping any of them

? B eing asked a series of awkward and embarrassing questions

? S itting in a room full of your friends, relatives and work colleagues whilst a loudspeaker broadcasts all the unflattering things that you have said about them recently, with certain details embellished, exaggerated or changed completely to make it sound as awful as possible.  This is what small children do

? G oing on a five minute walk that takes two hours because you have to stop and inspect every insect, flower, stone, leaf and dog turd en-route to your destination.  Every thirty seconds, turn round and start running in the opposite direction

? A ttending a school parents' evening and sitting on tiny chairs that cause your knees to smack you under the chin and then being spoken to in a patronising manner without laughing (or crying)

? A dmiring a series of children's paintings without asking, “What is it?”

? T hrowing all your valuables down the toilet and flushing it.  This is another fun game that children play

? P utting the plugs in all of the sinks in the house, turning on the taps and running off to do something else

? N ever leaving the house without taking a small suitcase with you

? B eing smiled at, laughed at, cuddled and kissed for no particular reason at all

? B eing told “I love you” when you're least expecting it

I f you manage to endure all of the above, then congratulations, you are ready to become a parent

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