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Benefits
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Benefits
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“It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.“—Somerset Maugham
An educated, successful, and attractive woman (we'll call Jane) reports that she "really wants to get married." When asked what she's looking for in a husband, her response is a blank stare. She just wants a husband, she says. She's already picked out her engagement ring.
Most of her friends are married or getting married, and she's sick of her mother's weekly calls announcing the weddings of her grammar school classmates. She's tried speed dating and singles' dances. She's made plans for drinks, only to endure the humiliation of being stood up more than once. She's had blind dates, which invariably end with her getting out of some man's car and hoping he'll call again. He usually doesn't, and she wonders what is wrong with her. She never considers whether she even liked the guy.
She has made marriage her goal. She may achieve it one day, but she'd be so much better off if she made a happy marriage her goal. She must rub the vision of herself in a Vera Wang wedding dress out of her mind. First, she must determine the qualities she desires in a husband, and also exactly what she expects from marriage. Otherwise, she could end up with the wrong man. The consequences range from a life of misery to death at the hands of an abuser.
Another woman (we'll call Pat) has been married for twenty years. Her husband buys himself presents for her birthday, like the soap dish and wine glasses he wanted but she didn't. More insultingly, he gave her Dr. Laura's new book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.
He has a rotten temper. Once, he threw their toddler's Barney furniture off the back deck and smashed it into pieces because it cluttered the kitchen.
Pat complains that her husband monitors her spending relentlessly. He pitched a fit when she spent $2.95 on a pencil sharpener. He decides when the heat and air conditioning can run and at what temperature. One brutally hot day, he screamed at her for having the audacity to turn on the ceiling fan without his permission.
Pat maintains that her children love their father, but they don't like him. They steer clear of him whenever possible, especially since his method of punishment is to lock them in a room and make them listen to Dr. Laura.
She and her husband both have good jobs, but she is "much better educated" than he. So, how did she get stuck with this creep?
Pat met him when she was 23. He was 29 and from another part of the country, which made him seem worldly. She was so flattered to be with an older guy, so caught up in having fun, that she forgot to take account of his values.
"He used to talk about how his grandfathers ruled the roost," she says. "All the women in their family were beholden to their husbands. He even used to tell me the things his grandfather would do to his grandmother."
This man told her flat-out that his family diminished women, but she was having too good a time to let it sink in. Twenty years later, she's depressed, frightened, and unhappy. She has no self-confidence. Even though she has a good job, she is terrified to go it alone without her husband. She's a prisoner.
Unless Jane raises her standards, she may find herself in Pat's situation one day. She must stop being desperate. She should make a list of the good qualities she has to offer and read it whenever she starts to feel bad about not being married. She should make a list of the qualities she desires in a husband ("kind" should trump "rich"). Reading this list several times a day will help her attract men with these qualities.
She must stop viewing every guy she dates as a potential husband. She must observe a man coolly, rather than cling to him as if he's the last bus out of the depot.
It's critical that she listen carefully when a man talks about other women. Does he look up to his mother, or is does she still make his bed? Does he treat his sisters with respect, or is their main purpose in life making the potato salad? How does he talk about the women in his office? If his boss is female, does he resent her?
It's key to see how he behaves among other men, as well. Is he always playing "top it" with the bigger car, the bigger TV, or the bigger whatever? If so, Jane should tread carefully. He's insecure. Eventually, he's going to take it out on her.
Women can learn much about a man by the way he drives. Does he tailgate? Does he weave in and out of traffic, or is he respectful of other motorists? Does he drive considerately in residential neighborhoods, or does he blaze through? Does he toss burger wrappers out the window at stoplights, or does he treat public property as he would his own?
It doesn't matter whether Jane is 17 or 65. She must never make excuses for a man's bad behavior because he might be her last chance. She must shut off the brainwashing machine. No woman ever has to get married! The single life can be fun and full of adventure. No woman should ever give that up for the wrong man. Marriage does not always equal happiness. Marriage does not always equal success.
But, if Jane plays her cards right, it could. Once she raises her standards for the men she'll go out with, better men will appear. (This is a promise.) She won't have to jump through hoops to find dates. The losers, abusers, and No-Show Joes she used to put up with will disappear. They'll sense that she's out of their league.
Jane will be on her way to finding not just a husband, but also a man who makes her happiness as important as his own.
Terry Hernon MacDonald is the author of How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams (Even if You're Not Rich, Thin, or Beautiful).
THANK YOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU. Your article sums it all up about todays dating situation. After 2 years of dating online I thought it was ONLY ME!!! You truly opened my eyes to what the truth is. I have also realized that I need to interview THEM more. After 2 years of online dating, its not about getting a 2nd date from someone that doesnt repuse you, its worth waiting for the man that wants you and is willing to talk in terms or “we” AFTER you realize that HE IS RIGHT FOR ME! Bad behavior on the part of a man is still bad behavior. Not calling is still rude. Believe me, I learned the hard way. I waited around for this man for over a year. He was VERY wealthy, Handsome, charming and we had GREAT chemistry (although I rarely saw him) I figured since he owned a national wine company that he was just working. WHAT OPENED MY EYES: He was arrested!! I got a call from his sister in law from his phone. While he was supposed to be picking me up at 1pm he was actually in front of the judge being sentenced to 3-5 years in prison for being a bigamist and for pretending to be a “phony philanthropist“. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, most likely its a duck AND NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I thought there was something wrong with me. NOW I REALIZE that its not always about the woman but the character of the man. Its changed my entire perspective on dating and life. Im not nearly as naive.
I agree with this article. I am not settling. I am lonely at times for a man in my life but i am done being with losers. I would rather wait and get all i deserve. if you watched the real Housewives of Orange County just think of Laurie she said she will not lower her standards as her friend requested. She didnt and found and married the man or her dreams.. her friend that suggested she lower her standards however is still searching. There is something to this.. I know he will be worth the wait and I am worth the wait as well. :)
I have recently ended a rollercoaster relationship after a year and a half. I realized I did not want to stay on the ride. I am not going to be disrespected and wish someone gives me the love back. I worked so hard to try and make our relationship work and in the end all I got was a broken heart and someone that I no longer want to speak with. I will also not settle and hopefully the next man that walks into my life I will embrace with open arms and he will do the same.
I think in my case I have to keep dating to increase my chances and my observation skills. I have the blueprint and the standards but sometimes I get overwhelmed with the fact that I see 8 out of the 10 qualities and the two missing are the best ones.
http://crohns.net/Miva/education/articles/Medicinal_Mushrooms_and_Cancer.shtml
http://www.divaliciouscoffee.com
http://luke10-38-42.ning.com/
http://donnaesamujerdelaprudencia.blogspot.com/
“I can make it happen” It is whatever it is at the moment.
I really wish I would have read something like this years ago.....I am 45 and just now believing that my standards should be raised...I beleive now that I deserve the best. Great reading
helainenj,
I know exactly where you‘re coming from.
Susan
Thank you for this article! Fear of being alone forever makes us lower our standards or, even worse, dismiss them all. We have to remember that if we don’t respect and love ourselves, nobody else will. We all deserve the best.
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