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Infidelity - Day of Discovery: How to "Hold" your Feelings

By Dr. Huizenga

Ouch! No, it's more than an ouch, isn't it? How about a huge punch in the stomach? How about ripping your heart out? How about a menagerie of crazy unending thoughts that defy sleep or anything else you propose for that matter?  

Infidelity stabs you over and over, at least initially.  

Allow me to present one way, just one way, to begin to get a “hold” your feelings.  

Notice I didn't say “get rid” of your awful feelings. Often, the more we insist upon them “going away” the more they seem to persist. After all, your feelings have concerns and fears that MUST be addressed. But, you want to address them on YOUR timetable and in in way that will honor you.

odd couple

I often suggest this technique.
The key word is: control. You want to control yourself, your thinking and your feelings as you move through this agonizing process. At the same time you do not want to “control” to the extent that you deny, avoid or minimize what it is that you must look at and address in your situation.
  1. Get a kitchen timer or stop watch of some kind, notebook and pencil.
  2. When the feelings/thoughts are most intense, find a place where you can be alone (lock the bathroom door, if need be). Set the timer/watch for 2 minutes.
  3. Write down everything that you are thinking/feeling uncensored. Let it come. Let it flow. Don't worry about what you write. You can shred/burn it immediately after writing. Just notice the thoughts that rumble through your mind. Write them down. Notice the feelings and specifically where they are located in your body. Write them down.
  4. When the timer goes off, say to yourself, “OK, it's time to put you (feelings/thoughts) aside for the time being. I have other responsibilities. I will come back to you later.” This process develops and calls attention to a “part of you” that can stand back and monitor (control in a healthy manner) the process. You also treat your feelings and thoughts with respect and acknowledge their legitimacy.
  5. When the thoughts and feelings begin to emerge again, maybe minutes or 2, 4 hours later, follow the same process.

Give it a try.

This is often helpful for those who like to write, or express themselves best through the written word. And, it seems to be most helpful for those who tend to be reflective in nature.

If this doesn't work for you, don't worry. It may not fit your style of how you cope with intense feelings/thoughts. Other techniques are available for you.

Over time, as you address your feelings, their intensity will fade and they will express themselves less frequently. “They” do want to know that they will not be ignored and that you, in some fashion, will attend to “them.”

by Dr. Huizenga  





Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Summergirl365 wrote Sep 20, 2008

    • The time line for each person as different as the relationship/infidelity.

      For me, I had to talk. To him, to my friends, myself, my Pastor, a journal and a therapist. I found my escape door through church.  Don’t get scared. It’s not like a light came down from Heaven and now God has made it all better!  I just realized that God does have a plan for me. It a plan to prosper.  My marriage had really been dead for years but I thought in time (after the kids were a bit older) we would reconnect. Now, I realize that if he even TRIED to come back, he’s not someone that will help me be better. I will not prosper.

      I know that pain. I actually drove myself to the hospital swearing I was having a heart attack. Broken hearts feel that way. I was sure if they took an xray they would find it shattered into a thousand pieces or a huge crack w/blood pouring from it.  

      Today (3 yrs after I initally found out, 2 years after I caught him again) I sit here in my living room, divorce in process, he’s with her (after having left her 2nd husband for mine, yet another man and another marriage she’s helped break up) and I am starting to date again.  I can tell you, I’ve not felt this good (on the inside) since I was 30!  Dont get me wrong, I’m a bit nervous of the financial future but ... God has a plan for me and I found out just what things I will and will not accept, do or tolerate.  

      I AM IN CONTROL of who comes in ... emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.  And you know what, it feels really good to get rid of the trash!


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