Don't have an account? To participate in discussions consider signing up or signing in
facebook connect
Sign-up, its free! Close [x]

Benefits

  • okay Create lasting relationships with other like minded women.
  • okay Blogging, let your voice be heard!
  • okay Interact with other women through blogs,questions and groups.
  • okay Photo Album, upload your most recent vacation pictures.
  • okay Contests, Free weekly prize drawing.
  • okay Weekly Newsletter.

+17
Love it
article image

Mr. Perfect or Mr. Pretender?

By Yana Berlin

The world of dating has been compared to an overgrown jungle, or searching for a needle in a haystack -perhaps a more accurate metaphor would be a giant maze filled with booby traps.  Finding someone to date isn't necessarily the hard part (so nix the haystack theory), and navigating the jungle implies you'll never be able to comb through the crickets to make your goal of escaping.  Instead, dating is a maze. You make instinctive decisions about which way to go and try to avoid the traps laid out along the way.  

So, going with this analogy, let's analyze the various men that can be the traps, or at least hindrances along the way to finding true happiness.

Baggage Man.
datingThis is the guy who cannot move on from his past relationship.  He can generally be described as handsome, with steady employment and sorrow-filled eyes.  Mayday!  Don't be sucked in by his puppy dogface and I-need-saving sob story.  You may initially think you're God's gift to this man in comparison with the witch (substitute b for w) who broke his heart and spirit.  But exercise great caution—no matter how far in the past his ex smashed his world, if all you hear in the first few dates are stories about her, then it should be clear he is far from being over the relationship, and therefore in no position to be a good mate for you. But if you can't give up on him, I suggest investing in a Costco-size box of tissues and earplugs.  

Sneaky Mr. Speed dial.
dating

This guy can first be tagged as a bachelor, most likely with a history that does not include commitment or steady relationships.  But his sense of humor and handsome features are addicting, you find yourself smiling when you see his name appear on your phone.  But let's examine the kind of rendezvous you two typically have: at either his place or yours, sleepovers, and maybe sharing breakfast the next morning.  In this scenario, you could also be called a "bootycall," because if you look at the circumstances, that's precisely what you are.  Maybe you're aware of this already, but hope you two can develop a relationship that will bloom in time, just with the sex part coming first.  I wouldn't be too optimistic if he's voluntarily admitted to commitment issues. The best thing for you to do is listen. But if you're cool with the occasional meeting for a roll in the hay, then by all means don't hold back. If not, the best thing to do is delete his number and call the whole thing off; you're never going to get a happy ending with this guy.

Mr. Hot and Cold
dating

Lastly, let's talk about Mr. Hot and Cold.  This is the most dangerous type to get involved with, as you can get so stuck on him, you could wind up losing years of your life trying to figure him out.  The easiest way to describe this relationship, is simply to say that when it's good, it's the best thing you've ever experienced in your life.  He's incredibly doting, treats you like you're his queen and gives you signals that point at nothing other than wanting to spoil you until you're dying day.  But just as soon as you get hooked and something comes up that points towards serious commitment, he pulls the disappearing act.  Suddenly, it's impossible to get a hold of him; he may or may not return your calls, cancels on your dates—basically falls off your radar completely.  There is nothing more confusing than a man who starts off with a bang and then right when things are getting serious, disappears with a snuff.   What's a girl to do?  By this time you're in deep; you want to get a solid commitment from this guy but you can't seem to get a hold of him.  Here's what you do: play it cool.  You don't ever want to come across as desperate, needy or clingy—and frankly, you have no reason to be.  You know you're a goddess who deserves to be treated as such (like he did in the beginning), so throwing yourself after Mr. Invisible really isn't the right course of action.  

Instead, when he does eventually call (which he will), be upfront with him about how not-okay his lack-of-existence has been lately.  The key is to see how he reacts, but more importantly make it clear that you weren't pining next to the phone all night hoping he would call.  You're worth more and he knows it, which is why he's more likely to end up trying to woo you back after his absence.  If you take him back and he falls of the face of the earth again, you know it's time to end it.  This is the most difficult part, since as said before, when things were good they were the best.  But the truth is you've already had the best of him, which leaves you no reason to stick around and hope there's more, because sister, there ain't!

So be careful as you make your way through the maze. Just because we are no longer teenagers, men haven't changed much. Keep your eyes and ears open and stay alert to spot red flags—your gut doesn't lie. Keep your head on straight and don't be fooled by his excuses. Never lose sight of the fact that you are smart, unique and fabulous. You deserve the best, and the best is yet to come.


+17
Love it




Member Comments

    • +4 votes vote up vote up

      Igoplaces wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • I definitely agree that we have to trust our gut, our first impressions, our instincts. The older we get, the better we‘re able to do it.  

      After my almost-25-year marriage ended unexpectedly in 2004, I hopped on the online dating roller coaster. I met hundreds - yes, hundreds - of men over a three-year period, and never gave up until I met MR. RIGHT. Now I’m living “happily ever after” and even wrote a guide to online dating, not just a guide, but “THE INTELLIGENT WOMAN‘S GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: And She Lived Happily Ever After.” It’s available on Amazon!



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Francesantoinette wrote Sep 15, 2009
    • definitely a good read and something to ponder upon when faced with a new date :)



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Mz. Queen wrote Sep 19, 2009
    • I loved this article. I have met some of these men, especially the one’s who disappear and when they show back up weeks if not months later they act like I just saw them yesterday. I hate that behavior.

      "THE INTELLIGENT WOMAN'S GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: And She Lived Happily Ever After.

      Another book I plan to buy.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Kerri1985 wrote Jul 2, 2010
    • Yana,

      I love this article I wish I would have read it 6 months ago it sure would have helped me see things a little clearer thank you for the last part of the article just encouraging us women we need that....

      HUGZ estaticheart



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Sandra G wrote Sep 6, 2010
    • Great article..i dont think I am ready for the search..wont be for awhile..but glad this little item came onto my reading list today..happy



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary07 wrote Apr 14, 2011
    • Help! What about the guy you just met and just started IMing and is already asking for your phone number; is sending sweet good morning e-mails?



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shannon Lynch wrote Jun 26, 2016
    • I‘am in A Ten Year Relatonship.. i Will Be 47 In October... I Was In a 22year Relatioship, have two wonderful children. but i’ve Never Been Married.. Engaged Yes.. But Anyways I had to have back surgery in 2011 and it’s at this time where i was in the worst pain of  my life and was using a walker to try and get around. that my mother wilma suffered a massive heart attack. and fought for two weeks in the hospital.. my Rick Has always been There for me.. but i think as of a few months back that he has cheated on me.. you know men they would‘nt tell the truth if it hit them in the face.. but no mater what, i try to move on but this thingheartbreakfrownheartbreak just wont let me.. worried in indy..



            Report  Reply