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Still Single? This May Be Why

By Yana Berlin

At a party last weekend, a married female friend pointed out two single guys and remarked, “I’m surprised nobody’s snatched those two up.”

The men in question are both good-looking, gainfully employed, and own real estate in the nation's richest county. One of them says he's eager to settle down and looking for a special woman to spend his life with.

“Where are all the single women?” he asks me. “Don't you have any single friends?”

Of course I do, and they ask me, “Where are all the single men? Doesn't your husband have any single friends?”

You only have to check the personal ads in your local paper to see that plenty of eligible people of both sexes say they're actively looking for long-term partners. But it this is so, why do so many would-be marrieds remain single?

Deep down, despite what they may tell themselves, many single people find marriage terrifying. Sure, on the surface of things, it looks great: You walk away with someone to buy a Christmas tree with, have kids with, and you get a regular sex partner to boot. It's all very romantic.

But many a seasoned single has been disillusioned by the day-to-day rigors of marriage, having witnessed the griping between wedded friends over the years: Who changed the last diaper, who got to choose the last TV program, whose turn is it to scrub the toilet?

The seasoned single is, quite frankly, freaked out by marriage and all it entails. And rightly so.


But while most marriages seem to be exercises in pain, fun, adventurous, sexy, marriages do exist. The seasoned single will find herself in one of them if she takes time to figure out what she wants—as opposed to what she doesn't want—when she gets married.

If you find yourself wondering why all your friends can get married and you can't, it's time to sit down and ask yourself what exactly is holding you back. Take out a pen and paper. Let spill every subconscious bugaboo you harbor about the institution of marriage.

Once you know what you're afraid of, you can make sure it never happens.

For instance:

If you shudder at the sight of your best friend's husband, who clapped on 35 pounds since the wedding, you can make a conscious effort to date people who tend to be health- and fitness-minded.

If you fear ending up with a man like your father, who threw himself on the couch as soon as he came home from work and refused to talk to anyone until dinner appeared, you can make a conscious effort only pursue relationships with men who demonstrate good and generous temperaments.

Face it. If you're single and say you don't want to be, something is holding you back. It's not your looks, your job, your clothes, or the car you drive.

It's fear.

Find out what you're afraid of. Know what you want and what you don't want. Then get out of the house.

You will get married.
Terry MacDonald is the happily married author of "How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams." Sign up for free dating tips at Marry SmartCheck out her blog at Happy Girl Musing 

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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Herpesfiner wrote Mar 28, 2008
    • good, share it with STD singles at stdromance

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 19, 2008
    • Women these days KNOW they don’t have to settle, because they can do for themselves...Remember the old addage..“I can do bad all by myself“..Women feel that more and more these days..Our mothers and grandmothers were basically ‘trained’ at an early age to be ‘housewives’ and ‘support’ their husbands..They were not encouraged to further their education or to bring home the bacon and cook it..All they had to do was cook the bacon and that was good enough for them..They rarely had to worry about being single parents, thus having to get a job, because men in those days were a bit more ‘family’ oriented or focused, they actually knew the concept..“It’s cheaper to keep her“..Nowadays divorce is ‘disposable‘...people throw away a marriage and move onto the next prize catch more readily than yesteryear...So women these days learn to depend on themselves more than their man, which makes them ‘stronger’  and at times too strong for some of these men out least that’s what I’ve experienced...

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Nov 19, 2008
    • Ditto, FAB40 Sistas, men are definitely intimidated by a woman’s success, her strength and independence.  Gone are the “barefoot & pregnant” days.  If they would just take the time to get to know these strong women, they would be amazed to find that these women just need to be loved and appreciated for who they are and not what someone want them to be.

      Before I got married, I made it quite clear that I was keeping my maiden name.  It wasn’t to prove that I was a liberated woman and all that.  We spoke on this and agreed on it, until of course his friends started to tease and jester.  My reasons were to honor my dad.  I lost him at 15, though he has a son, my brother does not carry his name, so this was my way of keeping the name alive, and him being with me on that special day.  Unfortunately, I had to give him an ultimatum, either he get out of the funk accept that I will keep the name or we don’t get married.  Well, we did get married.  This is just one of the reasons women prefer to be single, to avoid tantrums.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 19, 2008
    • Jacquie - When I got married, both times I too said I was keeping my maiden name, but I compromised both times by hyphenating it. I wanted to honour the daddy I didn’t know as a child. He doesn’t have a son (well none that he officially claims anyway).My son carries his grandfather’s name now, we added it to the list of his long

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dulcey14 wrote Apr 7, 2009
    • We just had this discussion the last time I went out with my girlfriends...  I’m the only one who has never been married.  I have been engaged a few times, however, I always break it off.  My girlfriends say I’m commitment shy... I say the thought scares me to death.  I’m not afraid to be alone... I am afraid of losing myself.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Susan Dahringer wrote Apr 25, 2009
    • maimae, I know exactly how you feel?The men you don’t want  are attracted to you.I have found myself in the same predicament too. Men who you have gone on a date with expect us to put out a first date.I’m sorry Iwon’t do it.If they like us well enough and is patient and interested,would be more than happy to wait for the intimacy

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      ReBekah Thompson wrote Apr 26, 2009
    • I was married for 15 years and was never in love with him - it was the societally created fantasy of “happily ever after” that I loved.  I definately appreciate dulcey14’s fear of losing herself!  Many of us did.  But I don’t think you have to.  The truth is most men would rather we didn’t change in all the ways we do - the ones we think they want - they just don’t point it out until after we’ve changed and we arent the woman they married!  After several years on my own, I will never again lose myself in a realtionship.  I also wont enter into a relationship with a man who isnt strong enough to support me in who I am.  

      I refuse to settle for less than I deserve to avoid being alone.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Susan Dahringer wrote May 27, 2009
    • Yana  

      You have the numbers for those single men,lol...I’m serious..I would love to get married again..


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Trudeeblue wrote Aug 11, 2012
    • Sometimes there are things beyond our control that keep us out of the dating game - in my case it was caring for a disabled parent.  And I will admit to saying that no man would be interested in a woman who is taking care of a parent.  I am no longer in that role, but I still think it is true; a huge distraction like that is not seen as a positive for relationship building.  

      Now that my life has changed, I hope that my outcomes will as well estatic

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