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The Other Woman Manual - 23 Things you should know about dating a married man

By Sally Webb

First of all, this article is for you if you:

a. are going out with a married man aka the other woman
b. are struck by love so badly you really want to make him yours
c. are considering blackmagic, voodoo and the likes to get this married man
d. want to stop being the other woman - but don’t know how

Okay, before you spend another day with a married man - STOP! Please spend the next 5 minutes reading this one sheet manual. This will make you think twice or help you tremendously in getting out from being stuck in that toxic relationship.

So, after getting myself acquainted to countless numbers of ‘the other woman‘, I figured the third party has the right to have just as much support as the wife (After all, the real culprit is the cheater that is two timing you both.

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Here are the things you should know:

1. The reality says he is married - he has that big wedding photo hanging on the wall in his home that’s just plainly sickening to you.

2. He is with his wife every night - and he could just be FORCED to do some ‘husband obligation’ with her tonight, tomorrow, or the next day (who knows).

3. If you tell a good girl friend she will probably slap you for being the other woman.

4. If you tell a guy friend he either tries to take advantage of you or simply say “Whoohoo GO GIRL!” (It doesn’t help).

5. 9 friends out of 10 will pass this information to another person - who might happen to be the real life gossip channel presenter.

6. You could get pregnant with a kid looking just like the married man who you will eventually hate. Talk about reminding you every day of your mistake.

7. Your emails or sms to him can be used as reference and proof if the wife decides to sue you one day.

8. If you end up marrying him - expect some forever guilt, and be insecure of ‘the other woman‘.

9. Only 5% of affairs can end up becoming a relationship; and only 5% of relationships born out of an affair will survive.

10. If your relationship born out of an affair happens to survive, you will have to face the mother-in-law horror - trust me she will take the ex wife’s side.

11. The longer you stay in a relationship with a married man, the slimmer your chance to have a real relationship.

12. When he says ‘It’s so hard for me to make a decision, please give me some more time‘, it actually means ‘I want to have you both at the same time‘.

13. Expect to have the worst imagination of him and his wife during holidays like Christmas and Valentine’s day - seriously, he was FORCED to book that deluxe hotel room for two.

14. When you manage to take a weekend away with him expect him on the phone with his wife constantly to ruin your mood completely.

15. He will always compare you with his wife on just about everything.

16. He will blurt out his wife’s name by mistake in the worst time ever.

17. If he gets caught by his wife she will call you countless times a day to ‘sort things out between the three of you’ during office hours.

18. Your friends will soon hate you for cancelling on them in the last minute (Come on, you don’t want to pass up your chance of meeting him for 15 minutes versus going to your friends’ birthday party).

19. You will be frigid and look like a dud when going on dates with a cute single guy.

20. It is very hard for you to find a real guy - who is willing to be 100% committed to you because you day dream about this married man on dates - the image of the wife will then come up and POP! refer to number 19.

21. If he is not ready to make a decision, he will choose his wife over you when suddenly caught - two timing both in the meantime.

22. The chance of him getting caught is bigger than you thought - especially with the help of softwares and private investigators. She might even use video cameras to catch him red handed - with you in it. Again, it’s Facebook and YouTube time!

23. A temporary pain of breaking up with the married man is better than the 22 items listed above.  

Author’s Bio

Sally Webb is the Founder of Cheating-Spouse-AlertYou can visit her site for more advice on
the topics of extramarital affairs and infidelity from signs of a cheating spouse to ways of catching them.

"Infidelity is a broken relationship promise that has an effect of a lifetime"


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote Aug 28, 2008
    • My husband is a cheater.  I have become friends with the woman that he cheated with.  She apoligized to me and told me that he told her that I wanted the divorce.  She consoled him and that led to other things, blah, blah, blah.  But I do understand how that can happen.  What I don’t understand is a woman’s lack of respect for the institution of marriage.  The understanding that she is tearing a family apart, because even without the wife knowing, it affects the whole family because the man isn’t commited to anyone or anything but his self.  I am still married but am trying very hard to respect my husband who I no longer trust or believe.  Doesn’t it bother these mistresses to always be second choice.  And believe me when my husband was telling this woman that he wasn’t getting it, he was at least 2 to 3 times a week and sometimes more.  I respect the other woman because she apoligized to me and asked my forgiveness.  That takes character.  My husband to this day denies that they had a relationship and has never apoligized to me. But hey, we are still married because I don’t think divorce is the best option for me.  I tell all the woman that are dating to run a check or ask questions so they find out right away if he is married. I had a married man who pursued me and I also had co-workers that cared about me and told me that he was married and his wife was pregnant. Dodged that bullet.  Women, respect other women.  Respect the institution of marriage. Remember, karma.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Majestic wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • You know sometimes we don’t set out to have an affair.  I kept away from a man I was highly attracted to for a year until I couldn’t do it any longer.  He was nice to me and we talked all the time.  He is funny and we have so much in common.  It didn’t help that my husband treated me as if I didn’t even exist.  I felt bad about what we were doing but it felt so good to be together.  I stay away from him because I got pregnant and no way was I going to have his baby.  It scared me to think of what would happen.  I know we would have completely ruined our marriages but the feelings are still there for both of us.  It’s almost as if we are soulmates destined to be apart.  I am sorry for what happened to you but although I was the infidel I would not be able to be forgiving if my husband were the cheater...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • Why wouldn’t both of you just leave your marriages if you are unhappy enough to have an affair.  That’s what I don’t understand.  It is pure selfishness and thoughtlessness.  I know that my husband does not want a divorce.  He wants to stay married to me.  That is the only reason that he lies about it.  If I met someone that I wanted to be with, I would be honest with myself and him and get a divorce. Make a decision, a commitment and stand by it.  Have some integrity.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • I am sorry that that sounds judgemental but I have been attracted to other men and not acted on it, even when I was not happy with my husband.  I would leave before I started up with someone else.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Majestic wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • I probably didn’t leave because of the old excuses... my kids.  The fact that I do love my husband but the other guy filled things in my life that I needed....
      Very selfish on behalf of us both but it was what we needed.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • You may not realize this but the time and energy that you spent on the affair is time and energy that could have been put towards your children.  I think that people only are fooling themselves when they think that the children aren’t affected.  Children are very perceptive to energy that we emit.  They may not know what’s going on but they do feel the change.  My daughters both felt the energy change to the point that one of them came and asked me if their father had a girlfriend.  I told her that he wouldn’t do that.  I don’t think that she believed me.  They both have sensed the distance that exists now between my husband and I.  Keeping the family together is the reason that I stayed.  I love my husband also, I’m just not sure how much I like him.  What we do for our children.



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • There may be a day when I leave my husband, but it won’t be for another man, it will be for me.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Majestic wrote May 1, 2009
    • You see the difference with my marriage is that I spent all my energy trying to get my husband to do things with us and all he thinks about is going fishing.  The things we do are boring to him.  My older son adores him and my younger son tries desperately to get his father to like him.  I am never sure what would be the best move but I could never find the courage to just get up and leave.  I always think tomorrow will be better and it isn’t.  I don’t like him at all.  I don’t like the fact that the family has always been second to his fishing.  Don’t get me wrong he is a great provider and a hard worker.  But he isn’t an attentive husband or father.  He has put distance between us not the other man.  The other man just made it bareable



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote May 1, 2009
    • I can understand that. My children also felt that type of neglect from their father. With him it was a sport that he played all the time when he wasn’t working, and he always chose that or his friends in front of his family.  I used to say that I was the closest to a single parent that I never wanted to be.  I wish when my kids were young that I would have told him that we needed to be first and that if he wanted to spend a lot of time doing his sport, then he should take his children with him.  I, in hindsight, should have been more demanding.  To this day they are still looking for that approval and interest from their father.  Me, on the other hand, I was not too worried about the lack of attention because I was busy working and raising children. We had a decent sex life and I had my friends and family.  About 5 years ago, the affair started with the other woman.  Since I have known about it, I have been losing my “like” for someone I love.  It is a very conflicting feeling. I totally understand the distance thing because I think that the distance was there, the other woman just made it very obvious.  What I don’t understand is, why the cover up.. I can deal with the truth, its all the lying that I don’t understand. Put me on an even playing ground.  Man up and tell me the truth. Then let the chips fall where they may. Why can’t he just man up?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote May 1, 2009
    • I really believe that if the “other woman” really understood the damage that is done, she would stay out of an affair.  I know that I will never be the same.  I will always be less trusting and more cynical.  I have a very deep based dislike of men as a whole.  It makes me sad because I know many men who are faithful to their vows and always put their families first.  I don’t know what is up with me that I would choose a person that can’t be family first and that feels lying is okay. Where was my judge of him as a person lacking?  Did I get what I was looking for or was I sold a bill of goods?  Why did I buy his act.  Although, I was told that he never cheated on me the first 23 years of our marriage, and I do believe that.  I think alot of his cheating had to do with a mid life crisis. As you can tell, I have spent a lot of time thinking about this.  I am very curious about the mistress because I think his choice would shed some light on the reasons.  Her and I have discussed these reasons, although he doesn’t know of that discussion!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Majestic wrote May 2, 2009
    • You know talking to the lover I feel is a way to get connected to your husband in an unhealthy way.  I would get angrier by the minute with every detail she gave me.  Some of us cope in different ways but that would drive me insane and more resentful of him.  I don’t think you chose him for those faults, you were sold a bill of goods.  If I had known that my husbands lover would be “fishing” at all cost I would have ran the other way.
      Don’t think she will shed much light.
      The guy I was seeing is the total opposite of my husband. He works all the time. When he wasn’t working he was with me either physically or on the phone and I can add mentally.
      Let me explain something. My husband is happy in the bitter cold out on a boat fishing even if he comes home with one fish. Now if I ask him to go Ice Skating with us. It is to cold to be outside. He doesn’t drink so when I was asked to go to a party he would be bored to death because he doesn’t drink and he doesn’t dance...on the other hand when I went out with the other one all we had was a good time. He may not dance really well but he didn’t mind making a fool of himself with me because we had many laughs about it later. We had beers and even when he didn’t like something he would try it with me and vice versa. Sometimes we talked about the same old things but each time we found something new about it and it was fun all over. You see with him I was number 1 when he was around me nothing else mattered. No kids to judge either one of us. No judgements when we speak to each other. When we were intimate it was so refreshing to be able to speak to him about things I didn’t like and because there was no animosity between us (due to everyday life situations)it was easy to let myself go and lose myself with him. Maybe things would be different if we were married but I don’t focus on that negative fact.
      You know there was a time and still today I think that people actually think I make up a husband because they never see him.
      I often think that my husbands treatment of me is due to midlife crisis but does that justify the behavior?  How long does that damn crisis last? “FOREVER“.  I have been married for 20 years and lately it feels like a life sentence.  Actually, it is kind of sad because I believe some people are happy with each other.  If communication and selflessness were present I believe this conversation between you and I would never had happened.

      PS the sadest part is that I Love my husband but the distance that has managed to creep between us keeps me from reaching out to him any longer.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote May 4, 2009
    • He sounds like my husband - emotionally unavailable.  As soon as they love something, they push it away. It is much easier for them to be distant than giving. I just wanted you to know that I don’t blame the other woman.  She is not the one that made the commitment to me.  She is not the one that lied to me.  She did not respect me enough to come and talk to me about the situation and inform me that my husband had told her that “my wife wants a divorce and that he was doing the best he could to hold it together.”  I guess that is why her and I can talk to each other, she did eventually come to me and say that she was sorry and opened up with me.  She insisted that they were never sexually involved, which I don’t believe but as I explained to her, the damage was in the betrayal by him, whether there was sexual relations didn’t matter, it was the lying that was the betrayal first and foremost.  How could I blame someone that made no promised to me?  I am very angry with my husband though. I am working towards setting myself up for when we do have our confrontation.  I will be ready for whatever the result of that is. I have worked through the want/need part of how I feel about him, and know that I don’t need him in my life.  I did want him in my life but only with his honesty. I am working towards setting myself up to be independent.  I think that you should be also.  One day you may want to leave and at that point you need to be financially ready to go. That is what I am working on right now.  Paying off any of my bills, any of our joint bills next, and then saving as much money as I can. I am so sad that I have to do this and be secretive about it.  But his lies could have so many negative effects on me that I have to be prepared for anything, especially leaving him.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Gemini Schubert wrote Aug 12, 2009
    • I love that comment. It’s about time we women start doing that, loving ourselves.happy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Gemini Schubert wrote Aug 12, 2009
    • This is so appropriate in my current situation right now. I have fallen completely in love with a married man for almost twenty - that’s right twenty years. Call me crazy but my feelings were real and strong. I was on two ocassions, almost kissed him but I resisted because I knew he was married with a young kid. The luck on my part was that I was leaving for another state so nothing ever happened between us but I have always known that the feeling was mutual and the attraction was definitely there and very strong.  

      Lately, about a couple of months ago, I found him on facebook. I sent him a message to confirm whether he was that person I knew from twenty years ago and he said that indeed he was.

      So we exchanged how are you’s and what not and how it got to the point of discussing our feelings, it sort of just happened. When he told me he wanted to kiss me twenty years ago and me stating that I would have kissed him back, things started to unravel. I also started feeling that love I had for him hidden all those years. I never stopped thinking about him all those years. Its almost like he was the love of my life that never was. I still love him so much up to this day.

      One day however, I sent him a nice I’m so in love with you note and his wife read that letter. Before I could do anything, I received a letter from his wife. Taht made me feel upset with him thinking, how could he have been so careless with the email?

      To make the story short, I apologized for writing the letter, admitted that it was all my fault and that I was sorry.

      She responded by saying she was sick about it and that it may not have been a physical affair but that affairs of the heart can just as well hurt a marriage. I apologized again.

      Sad to say that he deleted hiis profile on facebook and now we have not written for almost a week. I am ssad about this and I miss him terribly but its for the good. He has a beautiful family and that should be that.

      Its not easy and my heart is aching right now but I know time will heal me.  

      I just feel good writing this here. Thanks for reading (listening).



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote Aug 13, 2009
    • You did the right thing. And he is obviously letting you know that his marriage is still first.  Time to move on, quit holding space for a very married man.  I think if women would communicate about this subject, we could all be more protective of each other. Every chance I get, I tell women to run checks on the men they are dating.  It’s easier to stop before you start to care.  Good luck.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote Aug 29, 2009
    • I am the wife and I give up. I am done worrying, wondering and fighting for him.  I can’t get divorced but I can go forward with my life.  He is still lying to me and only about the fact that he is texting and calling other women, but what else I don’t know and I no longer care.  If it be, she can have him.  I am done with the searching and questioning.  Beware of what you all wish for when you are seeing a married man.  When the wife no longer cares, what happens to the affair?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote Sep 18, 2009
    • I just had to share with you all.My husband has been involved outside our marriage, with a long term girlfriend & also some short term girls. He had contacted genital warts.Of coarse,he said he got it from me.(I had contacted it when I was 19, had it treated with no out break since.Last time 2 yrs. ago)I had a Pap, I got checked for all std’s & came back clean.)He had it taken care of but the other day he mentioned that a bj would be nice and I told him that I wasn’t going to do that because I had read that you can get std’s in your throat & I wasn’t going to risk that.It is the first time I have ever said “no” to anything to do with sex.He appeared slightly shocked.I am not sure if the shock was due to my refusal or if it was due to him wondering what kind of shape his throat is in!!!  He hasn’t brought it up since.I also don’t know if he has ever mentioned it to any of those other women.  He still denies that he had an affair/sex with other women.Since I am not leaving him, there it sits.I think that he thought he had me fooled & now he is wondering what I am really thinking.My husband has always known about that bit of my history.It sounds like he has never shared that possibility with his other conquests.I believe that his experience with the std has made him change his wandering ways.Nothing like a visual lesson to make it stick!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jennifer Scranton wrote Dec 5, 2009
    • I have posted elsewhere so please forgive me for repeating myself.
      My husband and I have been together for 10 years. 6 of those married.
      We had been drifting apart for the last 2 years almost split up last year. Somehow we put our life back together. I thought he loved me as much as I love him. WRONG !!!
      At the same time he started getting in touch with his college buddies. Many more women than men. I felt as though he was spending way to much time on facebook and in chat.
      I come into the room he changes the screen. Text messages and cell phone calls increase.
      I confronted him of course he denies everything.
      Tells me he is not going to live like this any more and wants out. Tells me I do not leave he is going to.
      Things have gone from worse to unbearable.
      HE IS LEAVING ME FOR HIS COLLAGE SWEETHEART !!!
      Had he been willing to put 1/4 the energy into staying with me that he has put into hating me we would still be together and rebuilding our life together.
      THE ONLY PERSON LOWER THAN A CHEATER IS THE PERSON THEY ARE CHEATING WITH !!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote Dec 6, 2009
    • I couldn’t agree more.  I understand that the man is the main person to blame but my husband’s girlfriend knew he was married and had 2 children, yet she continued to see him.  I wish I could sue her.  I heard that he bought her a flat screen tv, rollerblades and other gifts.  I want that money back.  He denies any thing to do with her.  How can she take money/gifts from a man with children.  I wish I knew if there were legal repercusions for knowingly breaking up a family and taking money/gifts that should rightly be spent on the children.  I believe that your life will be better without him and the two cheaters deserve each other.  Live long and prosper. That is the best path to have.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote Dec 6, 2009
    • I couldn’t agree more.  I understand that the man is the main person to blame but my husband’s girlfriend knew he was married and had 2 children, yet she continued to see him.  I wish I could sue her.  I heard that he bought her a flat screen tv, rollerblades and other gifts.  I want that money back.  He denies any thing to do with her.  How can she take money/gifts from a man with children.  I wish I knew if there were legal repercusions for knowingly breaking up a family and taking money/gifts that should rightly be spent on the children.  I believe that your life will be better without him and the two cheaters deserve each other.  Live long and prosper. That is the best path to have.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Eva2 wrote Dec 6, 2009
    • I couldn’t agree more.  I understand that the man is the main person to blame but my husband’s girlfriend knew he was married and had 2 children, yet she continued to see him.  I wish I could sue her.  I heard that he bought her a flat screen tv, rollerblades and other gifts.  I want that money back.  He denies any thing to do with her.  How can she take money/gifts from a man with children.  I wish I knew if there were legal repercusions for knowingly breaking up a family and taking money/gifts that should rightly be spent on the children.  I believe that your life will be better without him and the two cheaters deserve each other.  Live long and prosper. That is the best path to have.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cloda Rowe wrote Apr 22, 2010
    • I thought I could cope with the ‘other woman’ especially as I was told it was all my fault for not paying enough attention... while working a 60 hour week and having to spend many nights away from home in order to ensure that the bills were paid for. He wont even admit to having an affair even though the other woman has admitted it.
      Well I couldn’t cope and I am now filing for divorce, changed my job and cant wait for the next step in my life... just wish I had been stronger 10 years ago. Good luck you, each person copes in different ways :)



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