Looking at any negative experiences in our lives as an opportunity for growth, rather than misfortune, will give our lives have an uphill rather than a downhill trend. When you use what you learned from a previous relationship to grow and mature you will be in a better position to form a new relationship.

A painful relationship signals the need for growth. Whether you are now free of that relationship or still feel stuck in it. Personal growth is the way to repair the relationship you are in or to create a healthy second time around.

If you have had a bad experience with marriage, how can you make the next one better? How can you keep from repeating the same mistakes?

This is a time for introspection, for a long look at how your behavior and attitude contributed to the problems in your past relationship. It is important to give up blaming you ex for the failed relationship. You may be absolutely right about their flaws and their contributions. However, this is one time that being right is not going to make you happy or help you form a healthy loving new relationship.

Ask yourself (and be brutally honest) what did I do or not do that contributed to the destruction of my previous relationship? Even if your only contribution was a lack of self-worth and self-love that meant you were attracted to and put up with an abusive partner; acknowledging your part gives you the power to make a change.

If you are lacking in self-esteem, if you are excessively self-critical, if you have a tendency to accept bad treatment from others, dealing with these issues before stepping into a new relationship will alter your patterns of relating enough that you don’t find yourself living in the same relationship with a different person.

Watch for these patterns that hamper growth:

•Hurrying into a new relationship
•Allowing a new relationship to control your life
•Molding yourself to please your new partner, rather than being yourself
•Repressing feelings and issues from your past
•Allowing anger and bitterness from past relationships poison your new relationship

Growth can be painful, acknowledging your shortcoming is not pleasant or easy. But coming to accept yourself releases that pain. Personal growth is essential, since the only person you can change is you. When you do what you need to do to accept and love yourself, and you come to appreciate your uniqueness and your worth, you will be attracted to and attract a partner who values and respects you.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples.
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine