Men Are Simple

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I think it is appropriate that my very first column should deal with the most fundamental truth about men, and that is this: Men are simple.

I know some of you may be thinking that I’ve completely sold out my brethren in an effort to pander to my female readers and gain their trust. But that is just not true. Because “simple” is not bad, or inferior, or lacking value and substance. “Simple” means simply…not complex. It does not mean devoid of emotion or intelligence or empathy. No, men are quite capable of deep emotion, tremendous empathy and stunning feats of intellectual prowess. It’s just that men epitomize the axiom, “what you see is what you get.” You may try to credit us with great depth and complexity, but truly you are “barking up the wrong tree.”

It is quite understandable, however, why you would believe that there is much mystery and intrigue bubbling just under our hairy surface. That is the way you are (minus the hairy surface, usually). Because, unlike men, women are amazingly complex creatures. When you speak, your words are often filled with subtext and deeper meaning, which other women inherently understand. But men are oblivious to the subtle nuances of your conversation. Sure, they understand the words, but they fail to grasp the hidden messages, the unspoken emotional underpinnings. They take your words at face value. Why? Because men are simple.

I know this may be hard to believe, but consider this: How often have you asked your male significant-other, “what did you mean by that,” only to have him stare blankly back at you as if you’d just spoken to him in ancient Aramaic? From your point of view, your question is perfectly valid. He said he doesn’t feel like going to the beach today, but you know that what he really meant is that he’s noticed you’ve packed on a few pound and is ashamed to be seen in a public place with you and your flab. And you know this because you “read between the lines,” and ferreted out his true meaning. Thus, you are justifiably indignant. How dare he comment on your girth, when the last time he saw his toes, Paris Hilton was just a luxury hotel in France. And your assessment of his contemptuous comment would be absolutely accurate, were he a woman. But he’s not – he’s a man, and he’s clueless about subtext. So, when he said he didn’t feel like going to the beach, what he really meant was he didn’t feel like going to the beach. Nothing else. No underlying meaning. No couched insult. And he gazes helplessly back at you and your indignation, mind-racing, trying desperately to figure out how his lack of enthusiasm for surf and sand have provoked your ire.

You see, men talk in an overtly literal manner. For us, words are merely tools of communication (pretty much all things are tools to us – you know how we love our tools), which we employ, with no great pleasure, for their utilitarian benefit in attaining a specific goal. We want something, so we ask for it. We like something, so we praise it. We hate something, so we denounce it. Very practical…and very simple. Consequently, we don’t understand the fact that you regularly dissect interpersonal intercourse, extracting information that completely escapes us. You are complicated. You are analytical. You are deep. We just want you to like us, laugh at our jokes, and have sex with us at the drop of a hat. See? What could be “simpler” than that?

(C) 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.



Member Comments

    • stephanie wrote Jul 25, 2008

    • Good Point, they are too dam simple!!! Please, I beg you to get complicated for once in your life!! This photo pretty much sums it up:


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    • ohdaze05 wrote Jul 25, 2008

    • Stephanie, that picture portrays a very valid point! We do tend to read far inbetween the lines and have the tendency to over analyze almost everything, but hey! if we were as “simple” as men, then where would the challenge be?


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    • azdana wrote Jul 25, 2008

    • I love the article!! It is so true! And Stephanie your picture is priceless!! Thanks for the laughs! My husband always says to me…Dana, I’m not that deep…you give me way too much credit…or I don’t have that much depth…Oh my gosh…I just think all of the things that he tells me are so true after reading the article above by David and Stephanie’s picture just reinforces it!! Thanks to both of you!!! It has made my day a lot brighter!!!


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    • babyboomerbev wrote Jul 28, 2008

    • David,

      My husband and I have these discussions all the time. He wants me to “just get to the point” and I want him to explain himself further :) It keeps the relationship interesting, that’s for sure!


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    • hotwomen wrote Jul 28, 2008

    • Or, as Chris Rock so articulately put it:

      “Men are simple. They want 3 things:

      Feed Me, F…k Me and Shut the F…k Up!

      Hey, we didn’t say it—Chris Rock said it.

      Maybe all of us women need to get the book, “How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it” by Pat Love and Steven Stosny. A book that finally focuses on the different styles that most men use when communicating.

      LESS IS MORE is a popular male motto (except when it comes to body parts!).

      Lorraine and Mary


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    About this author

    author

    My career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. For three years, I served as Musical Director on "The Young and the Restless," for which I was fortunate enough to win an Emmy. From there I moved to sitcom writing, where I penned scripts for "The Nanny" (CBS) and "Living Single" (FOX). Next, I landed staff writing and producing gigs on "For Your Love" (NBC/WB) and "Half & Half (UPN). Following that I helped produce the soon-to-be-released documentary, "A Musical Journey To Freedom."

    But it is my most recent endeavor that has me most excited. I have just released an eye-opening new book that has been receiving rave reviews. Titled, "Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think," this humorous journey into the seamy underbelly of the male mind exposes all men's dirty little secrets. Inspired by my many years as a "relationship advice guru," I have packed this book with startling revelations that are sure to shock, amuse and enlighten. Check it out at www.EveryManSeesYouNaked.com.

    If you have any questions about men and relationships, dating or sex, please feel free to email them to me at: david@everymanseesyounaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

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