Here I am. 40 years old. Divorced. With three children, and two baby daddies. Still trying to make sense of it all.

Growing up in Midwestern Iowa, this is not what I anticipated for myself. When we played House or Wedding or Family...there was always a man in our imagination who rose at dusk and went off to fend for the family, and a woman who rose shortly thereafter to tend to the children. They were a united front. They were strong. And somewhere behind the curfews and the rules and the life lessons and the gathering of dandelions to make “stew“, they had a bond and love that even our worst shenanigans couldn’t touch.  

Where is that man now? And where is the stoic and staid woman I pretended to be all those years in my parents garage slash playhouse?

I have to confess that I’m not sure either party exists today.  

I just returned from a week-long trip to visit the person that some would describe as my SO. Or my BF. Both of which consternate me. In my mind, I’m too old for a BF. And too straight and Dutch for the SO. I’ve known this man for almost 20 years. We have similar upbringings, similar beliefs, and a singular dedication to our children. It is easy to love him. But I haven’t come close to understanding him.  

Tell me this...how do you explain a man who takes you to dinner in his hometown, but doesn’t introduce you to the many familiar faces he meets? How do you deal with the polite and sometimes sympathetic looks you get? How do you reconcile the person who tells you that you are the love of his life with the man who makes every effort to hide you from his ex-wife? How do you understand the individual who has already established such a firm grip on your baby daughters’ heart that she reaches for him over you with the man who won’t hold your hand or say he loves you or even touch you in front of his children?

During our recent visit to the aforementioned BF/SO, my daughter wandered into his as-yet-unpacked office and emerged, triumphant, with a greeting card in her hand. She handed it to me. And I read it. And found that it was a Valentines Day card from his ex-girlfriend. I marched back to the office with my heart brimming and hucked the card through the air, where it landed on the floor. I felt it was the right thing to do. And I told myself I hadn’t snooped. But here come the questions again...what kind of man saves a Valentines Day card from his ex-girlfriend? And why? What does he hope to gain from this memento? Or is he just extraordinarily inefficent at dealing with old paperwork?

I sit in my kitchen tonight and read over what I have written, and I consider the fact that I may sound like a shrew. I want to be fair. He can be loyal and strong and true. He has tolerated a ridiculous amount of BS from me, and has steadfastly come back for more. He is an excellent father and he believes in God. But let me say this - he was emailing another woman at the beginning of this year (when we were most definitely together). He told her he loved her. He told her it was a pleasure to have her in his arms. He told her she was his confidante and that he admired her. He told her, to my dismay, that sleeping with her during their so-called Movie NIght was not “just sex“.  

And again, I sit in my kitchen and read over what I have read, and I consider that I may sound like a fool. That hurts much more than shrew. So I’m left wondering on this dark Friday night - which is worse? Fool? Or shrew? And can I combine them, like Benjamin Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, to something cool...like Bennifer? Maybe Shrool? Somehow I can’t picture myself wearing a DKNY gown and licking my lips as Ryan Seachrist announces that Shrool has arrived.  

So what do I do? Because here I am...40 years old....still trying to make sense of it all.
Posted by Dori Dawn at 9:50 PM