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Benefits
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I’m steaming mad right now...and there’s nothing i can do to avoid it from happening again!
I called my mother this morning and, thankfully, it was my mother who answered the phone. Too often, it’s my mother’s husband who answers the phone and, to be perfectly honest, i don’t care to talk to him...ever. My mother and I haven’t talked in a couple of weeks and i’ve been meaning to call her for days. Today I am not working so i carved out some time to spend on the phone with her. We were having a nice conversation for about 10 minutes when i heard Mom whisper, “Linda“. The next thing i heard was her husband say (in a VERY demanding tone), “Call her back! I have to get this medicine in her (their cat) right NOW!” My mother responded with, “Oh, okay...can i call you back?” Of course i said yes...
Who-in-the-hell does this guy think he is??? I have a million things running through my head and none of them are good. He is the one person who gets thoroughly under my skin. I have tried to be tolerant and, quite frankly, the primary reason i don’t talk to my mother more often is because of him.
For years, i have been telling my mother that she is an enabler where her sister is concerned. Her sister manipulates people to her own advantage with no regard for anyone but herself. My mother’s response was always, “I don’t want to upset Mimi,” because telling her sister to take a good (bleep) for herself would cause a raucous, thereby upsetting Mimi. I find myself in the EXACT same situation, in that i won’t tell my mother’s husband to back off because it would upset my mother. He demands her attention all the time without consideration for me or anyone else. Even more maddening is the fact that my mother never says anything to him about it. If it was me, i’d have told him a LONG time ago that he needed to stop making demands on my time when i’m talking to or spending time with my children. We live 1500 miles apart and our time is very limited. Why does he have to step in on our time when he is with her all the time? Am I being childish?
I remember a time when my mother's allegience was with her husband (my father) and children. I guess i lost rank when my mother re-married. And there it is...the truth! As i just typed the beginning of this paragraph, i unknowingly answered my own question. My mother's allegience has always been with her husband first...now that she has a different husband, why do i expect to rank higher than him? I have never ranked higher than her husband but it was far more acceptable (in my eyes, anyway) that i fall in line after my father than after this man.
I wonder if i’d have come to this realization without writing about it...thanks for “listening“.
Linda I always enjoy your writing and wish it was on here more. You always have such honest insight and wisdom into what is going on.
Hmmm.... is that because you‘re in the hair world and surrounded by diversity? Or is it because your Mom taught you that?
As for the 2nd hubz what is that saying about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer????
Maybe he still feels threatened by his wife’s 1st family. Maybe he is still struggling with his place in this dynamic. Maybe he is the baby of the family or single child and is spoiled and used to getting his own way.
Who knows!
I would just say for your Mom’s benefit get to know the guy separately from her. And call her often.... just in case!
Call often! I like Vikki’s answer. Also getting to know the husband...might help, you just never know.
I loved this post - and I feel for you. I’m going to tell you how I really feel, but please promise me you will read through my entire comment before you think I’m raining on your parade.
1. I believe that a wife and a husband SHOULD put their relationship first - before their relationships with their children, that is. We all know couples who don’t know how to talk to each other or don’t want to spend time together because they are focused 110% on their children. The best gift you can give your kid is the security of knowing that his/her parents are solid. That said....
2. Frankly, your mothers husband sounds like a control freak. And to be further candid...I would be worried about her if I were you. Is he seeking to isolate her from her family and friends? Is he trying to control her? My skin crawled a little when I read what he was saying to your mom, and I tend to trust my gut (or my skin, in this case).
Unlike the other two wise women who have already responded, my advice would be this...don’t waste any time getting to know him, if he is the man he sounds like. BUT don’t turn away from your mom. It’s possible the day may come where she will need you. If he successfully isolates her from you, he has won. Please don’t let that happen.
Godspeed to you!
Regarding the “getting to know the guy better” idea; they’ve been married 18.5 years. I already know him FAR more than i care to know him! He IS a bit of a control freak, he is clinically OCD (maybe one day i’ll share with the world his nightly “going to bed” routine that i have personally witnessed on several occasions), and a complete know-it-all. No, really...he’s done EVERYTHING...just ask him. GAH!!
Dori...you bring some interesting thoughts to light. I have, on many occassions, questioned my mother about him. She quite frequently says, “he’s very good to me.” Not much i can say after that, is there? My mother is not helpless or isolated...well, she may be more now that Mimi is gone (she passed away in late April). Mom and her husband did a LOT with Mimi.
As far as the skin-crawling...i’m right there with you. Not only did my skin crawl, my blood boiled. I’m sure i was a pretty sight right about then!
My brother and I have talked about this situation and we both agree that Mom is where she wants to be. With that said, i simply resign myself to the limitations of my mother’s and my relationship. I don’t like it...but i GET it.
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