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My husband told his daughter she had to move out and then left it open at the end where she could change his mind with hard work. To avoid the end of the year deadline coming, the obvious changing of my husbands mind and then everything going back to sh**,  I decided to make my own rule and here it is.

I‘M giving her until June 1st. At that time, she’ll have lived with us a full year. She will be 24 and plenty old enough to be on her own.

I am, however, giving her the option at that point to stay but under 2 very specific conditions. 1. Working full time AND 2. going to school full time. This will be her choice. If she doesn’t want to do this, then she’ll have to leave.  There are no other options. And, all of the other expectations of cleaning up after herself, etc will have to continue.

At that time also, she will have to use the money she’s making for ALL of her expenses. i.e. groceries, toilet paper, laundry detergent - everything she uses on a daily/weekly basis will be her responsibility - just like a roommate.

What my house will NOT be to her is Club Med!



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • I agree with you! If you set no boundaries then she will continue to camp out with you.
      I’m dealing with a similar situation. I have 2 adult sons(20, 22) that think my husband and I are wardens, giving them 3 hots and a cot!
      They both work, but my youngest son has his dream car on his mind and nothing else. My older son thinks his life revolves around video games. My husband and I have talked and we have decided to give our sons an ultimatum as well. It’s time. Hell, it’s been time!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • Congratulations! This is a great decision and very generous on your part to even consider allowing her to stay. I hope your husband feels the same way. She is his daughter, but, as you say, she is also an adult. They must grow up and be independent at some point in their lives. Your ground rules are more of a help to her development than she will probably ever admit to.

      Good Luck
      Cynthia



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yve wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • Vigirl,
      At 24 years old, I agree she should be working and going to school. She is too old to be “taken care of” any longer.
      I have a 17 year old, she works and goes to school and knows that as soon as she finishes her research paper the end of this month, (and graduates high school, 7 months earlier than all of her friends), she has to take care of herself. I will provide shelter and some food, but she is on her own as far as extra’s. I gave her a car, I have helped with her car insurance, and medical insurance. (I am a single mom, providing all of this while sacrificing a lot of my own “wants“.)When she graduates, if she doesn’t stay in school fulltime she will lose her health insurance, so I think, for that reason, she is going to enroll in the community college full time. But she is excited that I have enough “faith and belief” in her, to think that she can make it on her own. It empowers her. I want her to take time and figure out “who she is” as an individual and then live her life “out loud and in living color“. She is capable of ANYTHING she chooses to become. She knows this, because all of her life I have reinforced that she is a strong capable young lady.... I have never told her she “can’t“. It was always, let’s find a way to make it happen. And we ususally did.
      I think when we don’t push our children to be all they are capable of being, we are telling them we don’t believe in them.
      Even my 13 year old daughter, has to earn her own money, baby sitting and mowing lawns, for her recreational expenses. I know that may sound harsh, but I know they value what they earn.
      Both of my girls have their own savings and checking accounts with debit cards and access to their own money and they have to manage it on their own. I do give them advice, but I want them to be prepared for the real world. Both have also learned to shop clearance racks, Good Will, and to do without, instead of impulse buying. Our rule is if you want something.... think about it for 3 days, then decide if you really need it or want to go back and get it.
      I work at an University, and I see kids 18, 19, 24, and even 30 years old still unprepared for the world, because their parents, don’t make them (or won’t let them) grow up.

      Making your daughter take responsibility for herself will be the best gift you give her. Give her the confidence to know you believe in her. Let her know you love her and have faith in her.... you aren’t trying to “get rid” of her, but build her confidence up so she believes within herself she is capable of making it own her own. She may have fears that she can’t express about being on her own. Sometimes we have spoiled our children thinking we are doing the best for them, instead we are sending the message that we don’t think they can take care of themselves. I don’t know you and your situation, but I wish you, your husband, and your daughter the best. Do you have other children?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • I told my husband about it and his first reaction was to accuse me that I didn’t want her living there at all. I reminded him that it was my idea to have her move in with us!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • I can imagine it’s hard for him. You know how dads and daughters can be. But in the long run she has to know how to take care of herself.
      My sister in law is 36 and still lives at home. WITH her 11 year old daughter! My father in law feels this sense of duty to them because he promised my deceased mother in law that he would look out for them. And my sister in law pays NO bills at all, yet never has any money. And she does zero housework, her room looks like a homeless encampment.
      Tell your husband that.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • I’m thinking it may be time for your husband to come clean about why he’s so resistant to his adult daughter becoming an independent woman in the first place.  

      Also, is the daughter gaining anything from being the center of attention like this in your household?

      step parenting is a thankless job. Sometimes I think that we step parents are treated like we don’t have a voice in our own homes. My step daughter is 27. Thank goodness we have a pretty good relationship but I know things would be different if she lived with us.

      Good for you for opening the lines of communication. Any chance of having a family powwow or are you and your husband trying to resolve this between the two of you?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • I don’t know-I worked and did school full time when I was her age. She’ll have all weekend to study and do homework. Girl needs to figure it out! She can either do this or go live on her own, pay rent and figure something else out. Where there’s a will-there is a way!!
      My husband agrees.

      LOL to the blood sucking comment!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • Oh-I did I mention that my step daughter has a younger sister who is living on her own in Las Vegas? She is struggling and we’ve asked her why she doesn’t come back to CA. She told us that coming back to CA would be taking the easy way out. She’s determined to make it on her own. Now, this is something I can (and am) be very proud of!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • I hear you, Vigirl! Big sister sounds lazy. You can do it if you want to. If she was staying with you and hubby and really trying hard I’m sure you would not mind helping. But when you take advantage, it’s something different.
      I sometimes think our kids have this sense of entitlement, like we owe them something.
      We all came into this world the same, naked and helpless. It’s the choices that we make in life that shape how our lives can/will be.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • chocolatier-I think my husband is acting out of guilt, pure and simple.

      inakika-I need to share this story with my husband!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • I admire the younger daughter for sticking it out on her own. My step daughter lives with her mother about 5 minutes from us. She has a three year old child. Once in awhile we help her financially but my husband firmly believes that she got the way she is because her mother always enabled her. I agree from what I’ve witnessed. It’s hard sometimes because there is a grandchild involved and we worry for her welfare but we‘re close at hand when we‘re truly needed.

      I agree that your husband is probably acting out of guilt. But, gosh, if he doesn’t get out of the way and allow her to grow up, it gets worse and worse every year. When I see my 27 year old step daughter I don’t believe she will ever be on her own.

      Her mother’s sister lived with her mom until she was 40 years old and then moved into another apartment in the same building.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • Teeky-my husband has a serious problem with follow through. I’m quite sure that my step daughter realizes this and has taken full advantage of it. I’m done waiting around for him to follow through. It’s MY turn to set the boundaries. I stayed away from being the “heavy” because I felt her dad should be that person. It’s clear that he doesn’t want to be nor is he quite capable of it. That leaves me. I realized I’m ready when this morning I left to run errands at 9:30 am (after getting up @ 7:30 am to take the dogs out, feed them, etc.) and she was still asleep! Some days she doesn’t emerge from her room until noon! I’m tired of it!! AARGH!

      Thanks to everyone for all of your support. I needed it!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • AMEN vigirl! im with you 100% on this!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yve wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • Vigirl,
      After reading all of the comments from others... I think others feel she is “spoiled“. On the surface it does appear to be so..... But do figure out if there are issues within her, fears that are holding her back. Or is it that your husband simply enables her?... is she afraid she can’t make it??? is she unsure of what she wants to do and therefore “paralyzed” by the uncertainty? Communication is going to be the key to resolving the issue.... positive communication.
      (If you are familiar with the Myers-Briggs Institute, you probably have figured out, I am an ENFP.)
      Regardless of the “reason“, it is time to empower her to GROW UP, and take responsibility for herself. This will be the best gift EVER to her.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • Yve-Thank you for your insight. I truly believe that if things stayed the same here we wouldn’t be serving her well. Unfortunately for her, neither her mom nor her dad took the time to nurture her in these ways. No one taught her the value of credit, working hard for what you want, etc. My parents did the same thing you are doing with your daughters. It taught me to value the things I have and work hard to achieve my goals. We do have a 21 year old daughter-see different comment above about her.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • inakika-You have comepletely summed up my thoughts exactly.  

      If she were busting her hump, we wouldn’t be talking right now because I wouldn’t have a problem with her. I feel this way because I do feel taken advantage of. You hit the nail squarely on the head!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • I’m telling you, Vigirl, I’m living it too. I so understand what you are going through.
      And her little sis makes her look worse, she is really trying when big sis is not. I think alot of the time it’s easier to just “get by” then it is to really work hard.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • My husband comes from a very poor family from Fort Worth Texas. Part of his argument is that when he goes home to visit, he sees young ladies his daughter’s age who are pregnant and living off of welfare. He says at least she is not doing that.  

      What do you guys have to say in response to this?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • I’m not buying it. My husband’s daughter got pregnant, never really had much of a relationship with the child’s father, barely works, collects welfare, lives with her mother. You get the picture.

      This just kills my husband who grew up very poor and all his siblings, even his sister, worked very very hard to make a place for themselves in the world.

      There are single mothers everywhere, and your step daughter doesn’t even have the responsibility of a child, who make it, as difficult as it is, they make it on their own without benefit of being coddled by their parents.



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