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I have many old fashioned family values but when I came across this old reprint of a 1955 Good Housekeeping Article titled "A Good Wife's Guide" I had to laugh. I always wanted to be a 1950's wife and mother. Problem is, I was born in 1963, so I missed out.

I love the idea of wearing an apron. (I think I touched on the apron subject a few months ago in my blog post [Link Removed] How great it would be to welcome my children home from school and kiss my husband hello at the door with a fresh glass of lemonade in my hand. Just one issue with that...the only apron I currently have is the one that says "Beef. It's What's For Dinner" (I won it). OH..and another major problem: I don't have a husband. Instead, I greet the children at the door and say, "OK, who has homework? Did you eat all of your lunch??"

Not too much time to squeeze the lemons in the midst of the mayhem. Do I want to re-marry and have serve lemonade at the door? Well, that’s a complex question to ponder at 12:18 in the morning. However, yes...I do want to re-marry or at least have a great life-companion to share things with. I’m dating someone who would not only appreciate the lemonade if I happened to make it and after many years of dating totally self centered, emotionally inadequate men, he’s as refreshing as a cold drink. However, I’m digressing here and don’t want to be romantic...I’m trying to have some fun here....

Below are my responses to the aforementioned Good Housekeeping article. Keep in mind, I’m a bit tired and when that happens I get a little silly. Don’t take my answers as gospel...I still do long for that white picket fence, but this is reality, not 1955.

    * Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Try to figure out what you're serving your children within an hour of the last time you said "I have no idea. How does cereal sound?"

    * Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

When the children walk in the door from school, head for the bathroom and tell them you'll be out in 15 minutes. Screw the ribbon in your hair, kids really don't care if your hair is sticking straight up because you've been battling with the broken toilet most of the day. Brush your teeth and rub a little Noxema on your face. It makes you smell like you just showered even if you didn't.

    * Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

I don't care what your sexual preference is, however, I'm heterosexual and the only time I'm bound to be gay is when I'm told that the last man on earth is Hulk Hogan. By the way, did anyone ever think that my boring day might need a lift once in a blue moon?

    * Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

I don't think I even own a dustcloth. I usually use my sleeve. Sometimes I whip out the Pledge and spray it around the house so it smells like I just dusted. Frankly, to me making one last trip through the house means I'm going to fall. I'll stay put, thanks.

    * During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Where would I light this? In the middle of the floor? Perhaps burning his Penthouse magazine collection? Oh, and what immense personal satisfaction that would bring!

Instead, during the cooler months, I race to the door to ensure that the children come inside quickly so I don't lose any heat.

    * Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Guess we don't have to worry about that! Encourage the children to be quiet? What is this a Quaker home? I don't think so. We like making noise and if I was ever so unfortunate to be married to a man who needed noise minimized in the house upon his arrival, I'd make sure he knew what "I've got a headache" meant....every night.

    * Be happy to see him.

Especially on pay day.

    * Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Does this mean send the children off to their rooms and get on your knees? Oh, brother.

    * Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Yes, and you now live in a third world country. Don't forget to wear your veil and cover your breasts at all times.

    * Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

Just keep them to yourself and when the water heater explodes in the middle of the night, throw your hands up and say "Honey, I just didn't want you to be greeted with a problem earlier in the evening".

    * Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

Consider it a blessing if he stays out all night. He's probably sleeping with his secretary who will lighten the load in the bedroom for you...after all, he's not as fun as the pool boy.

    * Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

What the hell did he do? Go to work or run a marathon? I'm sure his day was a lot more stressful than doing twelve loads of laundry, cleaning up cat puke, plunging the toilet, preparing a delicious dinner, helping with homework, breaking up sibling squabbles, mopping the floors and enjoying a Slim Fast shake and a sensible snack.__

    * Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Good God. Take off his shoes? If his feet smell anything like my ex’s, I’d say bring in the bomb squad first.

A low and soothing tone isn’t really in my repertoire unless I’m about to receive a spa treatment or I’ve got laryngitis._

    * Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity.

In other words, lay down and take it. Great advice! Is this why I am divorced now? Shit. I should have just let him screw me over and kissed his ass.

    * Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

That's right. He now has a new wife who can spend her days with the master. I've lived the I Dream of Jeannie it's time for me to be "THAT GIRL".

    * A good wife always knows her place

Yes, with her children....enjoying life, having fun, dancing during dinner, jumping off the couch, making noise at the end of the day......._

Cherylphillips, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.


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