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     Most everyone has dined at a Chinese smorgasbord, except for those who are still in prison and maybe those suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome. It is an adventurous excursion into the world of Asian cuisine. Secret and mysterious delights hidden in veils of tempura. Wifey and I go to the Dragon about once or twice a month when they run coupons in the local rag gazette. Janet Yang greets us at the door with her best, pretend, Mandarin accent as she attempts to disguise her South Carolina twang. "We sooo glad y'all hera." We are then routed to our seats and introduced to our waiter, Ralph Yang, Janet's Bro!ther who's making a few extra bucks during fall break from Clemson University. "We sooo glad y'all hera," he mumbles. "Y'all want sum tea or anythang from the bar?" We order iced tea and then me and my cohort scampered over to the smorgasbord.

      Smörgåsbord is a Swedish word made up of the words smörgås, which means open faced sandwich and bord, which means table. In China, smorgasbord simply means cheap ass food for wealthy imperialist Yankees, but....hold the sweet and sour dog with snow peas.

      So....we river danced up and down the heated buffet counters while we filled our plates with all sorts of delicacies, only knowing what half of it is. We quickly walk back to our table and as promised, Ralph had our tea waiting. Most of what I got was variations of chicken cooked in assorted sauces and either roasted, fried or barbequed. Then there were some shrimp concoctions and a few things that tasted like tile putty. Wifey loaded up on shrimp and crab legs, fried chicken wings and a pile of dirty looking noodles. We ate like starving rice peasants and then went back for the other items we couldn't pile on from the first trip. We ate until we felt like sun bloated narwhal whales....then we hit the desert center. I got a bowl of chocolate ice cream with ancient Chinese delicacy, while Wifey got the cheese cake with blue berries which was a personal favorite of Mao Zedong.

     Then we got our fortune cookies, tipped Ralph, and as we passed Janet, she said, "Sooo glad y'all come hera, y'all hurry back, ya hera.” As always, I ate too much and it was way too spicy, so, later that night, I had to deal with a case of Genghis Khan's revenge. As I sat there in solitude and gut agony, I took my fortune cookie out of my shirt pocket and cracked it open for my fortune. It read...."He who sit on throne, not always make wise decisions."


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