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Last April I found a letter I had written 5 years earlier to my husband - I was shocked cause I’m telling you it could have been written that day!  The realization that all the little things* that had bothered me , that we had written & talked about had been going on for YEARS & YEARS.  AND Nothing had changed.

Life/marriage wasn’t TERRIBLE or abusive.  We had been married 13 years @ the time, had children the last 8 of it.  We were 30/27 when we married - my 2nd his 1st.  Set in our ways, but adjusted pretty well, traveled, had fun.  I was a WILD child (of 29?) when we met.  He grounded me, I quit partying hard, drinking as much & was ready to play Suzy Homemaker & get my act together.  He met & knew me as outgoing, opinionated, lively, fun, entertaining & flirty - yet these are all the things that he ended up NOT liking at all.  Seemed to put a wedge between us & an air of angst from him.  He seemed to me to always express disappointment, disgusted, aggravation w/me.  He would get upset w/me before a dinner party would even start - because I “might end up doing something” that would upset him.  Whatever.  Enough basic history.

Anyhow the letter - the realization of it all, all I could think - & tell him was that apparently all I had ever said meant nothing, obviously he took none of it serious & I had no desire to be accountable to him anymore.    I moved into the extra bedroom.

Our sex life had been strained for YEARS, & never ever ever "wonderful" at ANY time thru marriage.  Most of it I had what I consider "obligatory sex".  I take A LOT of responsibility for the lack of communication & adventure – For whatever reason and for all of my VOCAL, OPEN, EXPRESSIVE Self – I had never talked "sex , desires, fantasy" with anyone.  I'd had GOOD sex before, wild, adventurous & fun but now I know not GREAT due to lack of vital communication.  

BACK ON TRACK – We obviously were not gonna be having ANY kind of sex now – and I explained that he could figure out how to fix our problems or get his needs met somewhere else.  He started "hanging out" with someone...always home before the boys were up for school – swears he didn't "sleep w/" whatever – either way – I truly don't care.  Within a month he moved out, rented a room for a month then bought a small house in a suburb near.  That was over 1 ½ yrs ago.  

We've been friendly, had family dinners in each home & dining out.  We rarely argue, we've been really good to & about each other in general.  HE pulled some BS for a bit doing the asking ?'s thing with the boys – They tell me when he does - & I've reminded him that we agreed NOT TO DO THAT & that it makes the boys uncomfortable (7&10) The boys are great, no social or personal problems, no rebellion, acting out – amazingly – NOTHING.  He makes my house payment plus some & has the boys a fair amount of the time.  We have gone thru times of talking like we would be back together, & more now about "if we don't".  We love each other , I do appreciate him, & believe that he may look at things dif than he use too – to have "changed" – appreciates me more now, blah blah– HE has scheduled a TALK this next week – time to Sh-t or get off the pot sort of thing.   He's been patient – no doubt & it is time....

I HAVE NO IDEA what I'm going to do.  In my heart I KNOW that he deserves more than I am willing to give.  I don't even know if I believe in IN LOVE anymore, I know I don't lust for him – haven't missed sex with him, he's not my soul mate.   He is my friend.  I care very  much for him and his family – his wellbeing, I want him to be happy.  I enjoy my time in my home – I love the quiet time alone.  I am terrified of not having insurance for awhile.  I feel I'll be stronger without him – self reliant, but worry about home-improvement and auto issue.  How I'll swing finance without working full time. I wonder if I'm selfish.  I worry how the boys will be if we try & fail.  No doubt this small sampling expresses the anxiety I bestow upon myself daily.......

Just got this email from him: "Sometimes I might think a little to much on certain topics so here it goes, I want you to think baby about the us thing. It needs to come from the heart and a desire to be with each other if we are to brainstorm on a solution to fixing us.I really do not think it should be because it is suppose to be the right thing to do. I know you know where I am coming from so listen to your heart and your deepest inner feelings on this topic. happy"

So – see – perceptive, kind, fair – HE KNOWS – He knows my issues – and that sex is one of them....and yet, he knows I most likely will never discuss it – How could I?  I mean whatta ya say "Hey, I think we could give it a run  at trying to stay married, but I still have NO desire to have sex with you – yep, just like before – Sorry hon."   Thing is of course I would have sex- and perhaps I would learn to chill & enjoy it someday with him....but I've 44 and thinking......for years I asked "is this my life?"  & wonder if I'll be saying it again – to the same situation....
I know no-one can tell me what to do——guess I'm just looking for food for thought....

Sorry this is so long....

*lack of appreciation, encouragement, response, ambition, drive, & the (in P3 noted) way he acted about ME, being me.


Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jan 14, 2009
    • I am a friend for you.  No advise but a tiny shoulder if you want to cry.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Saylor101 wrote Jan 14, 2009
    • China you are always so great.  Yes, I do know that even my dearest, oldest, & closest friends here can not advise either - this all has to come from within.


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Bodycombe wrote Jan 14, 2009
    • Saylor!  I know you will find your way to You!  Your story reminds me of my first marriage.  I know you know that this has very little if anything to do with sex.  Find ways to carve out quiet time for yourself and go within.  Each day is a new begining. You‘re a strong and courageous woman...claim it and the universe will take care of the rest!

      Much Love!

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Doreen XoXo wrote Jan 14, 2009
    • Saylor...I dont know what to say.  Some of the things you say are exactly the way I feel.  I love my husband.....but...(there’s that but) I dont know any other way.  I often wonder how it would be to just come home from work, kick off my shoes and do whatever the hell I want.  Then I think, Ive never been on my own....what will I do?  Could I do it??? Then I think, am I only thinking this because the grass is always greener on the other side?  Just how do you get the answer

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Stephanie wrote Jan 14, 2009
    • Thank you for sharing all of this with us, I can imagine that this was very difficult.

      Do what your heart tells you. Don’t go back into a relationship because of your kids. This is your life, your children seem to be doing fine.

      You need to be happy and do what you want to do.

      You have maintained a relationship with him which does not often happen, you have stayed strong and positive.

      Do what your gut tells you,money is just money. You need it to survive, however it should not determine what life you live.

      We are all here for you.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Jan 15, 2009
    • Saylor ~

      At the conclusion of reading this it seems apparent to me that you have answered your own question within the blog.

      “In my heart I KNOW that he deserves more than I am willing to give.”

      As you describe, the “marriage” is over, has been for a long time. You both need to gather the fortitude to move on from here. You will be happier in the long run... maintaing the relationship as you both are is not doing either of you any favors. Money is only that...  easy come, easy go...WE all can survive on less. Scary as HECK...

      Stephanie says the rest...

      We are all here for you

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