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RECAP!  RECAP!  RECAP!  RECAP!  RECAP!  RECAP!  RECAP!  RECAP!

(Oh no!  Paula has stormed the stage in an animalistic frenzy rushing towards Adam!  Disco Night is a disaster!)

Ah, just messing with ya.  Here’s the real perfect Adam:

Last week, the American public made their voices heard.  They told Simon, Paula, Randy and Bobble head Kara they did not care for just 2 judges-at-a time feedback.  And America, the judges listened.

To remind you of what happened last week, Simon saved Matt even though Simon said Matt would never win.  I'm confused.  What was the point of the whole save thing? Simon et al, you could have saved us all a lot of further cringing and bouts of nauseousness by putting us out of our misery last week.  

When Matt was saved, there were screams, shouts, and tears flowing in abundance.  No, it wasn't Matt. It was the other contestants who had realized that two of them would be voted off next week.  If they had had those cartoon bubbles over their heads, the bubbles would have looked something like this, "&$ #xx%#&W! *" But they acted all supportive when they were really all pissed off.  What a bunch of codependents.  

Back to Tuesday night’s show:  Get out your polyester...it's DISCO NIGHT.  Ah the memories:  John Travolta, the strobe lights, Donna Summers, the Bee Gees.  Some blogger had the nerve to say the Disco theme made it a show for old people.  Well I never.

I was watching with my 21-year fellow co-dependent Cassie.  She heard the word "Disco" and said, "Ugggghhhh."  I heard the word "Disco" and said, "Slap me five!"  Generation gaps can be so alienating.

 

(Paula could hoola hoop with those earrings!)  

Lil rounds:  Whoa!  They're not messing around with the timing tonight. Geez, Lil Round is already singing.  No guest celebrity tonight.  Maybe Tarantino put out death threats to anyone trying to follow his act.

Lil round is getting big time square.  Just not feeling it Lil.  I'll admit it, the girl can sing.  But she's not great at listening.  Hello!  Show after show, week after week, the judges are begging, pleading, practically getting down on their knees (a familiar position for Paula), entreating Lil to show us the real Lil.  The only real Lil I saw tonight was a fake Donna Summers.

When the judges were giving Lil their feedback (Lil was wishing they had stuck with 2), she looked sad.  I started feeling sad.  I started feeling guilty.  I should have done more to get Lil to hear the judges.  This could be my fault.  I'm so codependent.  Then wise Simon who I love noticed the same thing!  He said, "Oh Lil, you look so sad!"   Simon and I were separated at birth.  I love him.

Lil went into denial mode and blathered on and on about how much FUN she had.  Okay, I just need to say this.  I've been aching to say this.  It seems like every contestant who gets bad feedback because they deserve the bad feedback, always shrug their shoulders and say, "Well, I don't agree cuz I HAD FUN!"  

Excuuuuuuse me but when did it become a major criteria when one is attempting to be the biggest greatest bestest singing star in the whole United States of America, that they have FUN???  Are these people related to Paris Hilton?  Thank God for perfect Simon who is there to remind them that the music business is brutal, cutthroat and merciless.  Nothing about it is FUN.  Geez.

They should have had a guest judge and it should have been David Spade.

 "Buh-Bye Lil"

 

(Kris was Pink and Passionate)  

Kris:  Maybe it's my hormones acting up again, but I no longer want to nurse when I see Kris.  Kris got rid of the security blanket and picked up the guitar.  Kris went from Linus to Lover and Marytkelly went from Counselor to Cougar.  Kris was sexy, soulful, Paula said "Santana like".  This was my favorite performance from Kris.  And Kris, you really don't have to work hard for my money.  I'm downloading your salacious song as soon as I'm done writing this.  BTW, my identical twin Simon loved Kris too.  Naturally.

Of notable note, Paula mentioned something about Kris buying and wearing women's underwear.  As a therapist I can tell you, so what?  Kris is in good company with many men who, when under stress, feel a sense of calm and comfort wearing women's underwear.  It's a little known fact that many senators in Washington wear women's underwear when addressing the Senate (true true, I have the article to prove it).

(Danny...good but amnesia producing)  

Danny:  Is it just me but was I the only one that got bored real quick with this?  I felt like I was watching American Idle, not American Idol.  Danny seemed to be in cruise control.  Great voice and range, but something was missing.  Kara did the bobble head thing, "Danny, I, bobble, liked it, bobble bobble."  She leaned forward towards the mic (for effect or just trapped gas?), "You made it, double bobble, you're owwwwwwn."  Switch camera shot to Simon who looks like he wants to break Bobble Babe.  This show could get violent.

Paula luuuved Danny...oh his sexy voice, she was all excited, getting herself in a dither, squirming around.  I just get embarrassed for her.  I want to say, "Get a Rabbit!" (Oprah loves the Rabbit!)

(Paula needs one of these...real bad!)  

Simon, the Truth Teller made it short and sweet.  "No star power".  Thank God for Simon.  He keeps it real.

(Whoa, Allison...Fantastic vocal but reign in the tongue!)  

Allison:  New do and all permed up.  Except she reminded me of Cat Woman.  All that shiny leather...where's PETA when you need them?  And does anyone else suspect that this sultry sensuous in control top-notch singer is really 16?  I mean really?  Did her parents give her hormones?  Vocal steroids?   I think they need to produce the birth certificate. If we could get the Chinese to come up with those phony birth certificates for their gymnasts, certainly someone can produce this girl's birth records.  I have a need to know.

Allison sang, "Hot Stuff" and she was.  Kara was doing the bobble head, "You are the bobble, best, bobble bobble, singer."  Profound.

Allison is safe.  

(Adam...pretty in blue)  

Adam:  FINALLY.  Gawd, this show was tortuously slow until perfect Adam came on.  And hey, first time I've seen his Mom and Dad there.  Did you see Dad?  The Dad that looks like he was dragged there and couldn't bother to wear anything but shorts and a T-shirt (I'm sensing Dad may have been kidnapped and forced to attend.) I think he may be in need of some "I must accept my son is gay" therapy.  

Ooooh, I was getting chills when Adam was singing.  Paula had a "visceral" response.  As she was squirming even more in her seat, she was vacillating between pain and foreplay.  She was feeling his pain.  Like really really feeling his pain.  I suddenly felt like I was in group therapy.  His pain was her pain.  Talk about codependent.  Randy and Karla were practically reaching orgasm.  Simon peaked with his pronouncement that Adam's vocals were "immaculate."  Shortly after, all 4 judges were smoking cigarettes and looking sleepy.

After Adam's yet again “no one can go near him when it comes to the vocals” song, I turned to my husband and said, "I could be a cougar you know...lucky for you that Adam is gay."  My husband began laughing hysterically.  "Do you really think you had a chance“, he chortled loudly.  Rude.

(Matt, you‘re saying it all with your eyes)  

Matt:  Sang "Staying Alive".  I was wishing he wasn't.  I don't mean in the physical sense, really.   Just wishing Simon hadn't been so codependent and saved him last week.  Matt's singing was so dead in the water.   Bring on David Spade!

 

"Buh-Bye Matt."

Anoop:  Anoop is still on?  I'd totally forgotten about Anoop.  Thought he was gone ages ago.  Hope he doesn't have one of those goofy preppy sweaters on.  Oh no, he looks pink!  Again, the pink!  What's with the pink?  Which reminds me of Allison's RED hair.  You thought I'd forgotten about that red hair hadn't you?  Well, I haven't . The RED hair so needs to go.  Puhlease.  Pretty please with pink sprinkled on top?

(Anoop...pink proves to be punky)  

Hey, Anoop isn't bad.  In fact, he's actually pretty good, despite the sweaty lip syndrome.  But ugh, the pink sweater, the pink light glowing on him. I was started to feel sick.  All that pink gave me sudden urges for pink Pepto Bismol.

Whoa...what happened at the end of Anoop's song?  That end was abrupt to say the least.  A little "premature" if you ask me.

Simon said, "Anoop, not pretty in pink". That guy can read my mind.

So if you've made it this far in my recap, you're codependent.  This can't be healthy for anyone.

My top 3 contestants:

1.)  Perfect as Always Adam

2.)  Amazing Allison

3.)  Crush Muffin Kris

Living in Limbo:

1.)  Darling Danny

2.)  Annoying Anoop

** (See Update below):  The 2 being voted off:

Do the math.  Duh.  (Don't forget, I was wrong last week...probably just a blip.)

My prediction on who will win American Idol Season 8:

SUSAN BOYLE!

See you next week.... but first, comment, vent, gush, rant, rage.  Let it all out...it's cathartic...it's healing.

UPDATE!  UPDATE!  UPDATE!  UPDATE!  UPDATE!  UPDATE!

Humbled again!  Hmmpfff.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but whenever I become really sure about something, like SO positive I am RIGHT, I get humbled.  It seems to happen on a daily basis.

Last night was no exception.  MATT IS SAFE.  Can you believe it?  ALLISON WAS SECOND TO THE BOTTOM.  WTH?  This is a travesty.  What is not a travesty is that ANOOP WENT BUH-BYE...this is a good thing, although you gotta admit when he sang his farewell song, he was great.  He was relaxed, interacting with the crowd...I actually started liking him.  But now he’ s gone and American Idol life goes on.



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