**UDATE OF AMERICAN RESULTS TOP 5 RECAP**SPOILER**BOTTOM OF PAGE.

AMERICAN IDOL “5 CONTESTANTS REMAINING” RECAP:  SUSPENSE BUILDS AS 4 CONTESTANTS BATTLE FOR SECOND PLACE!!!

        (The Mickey Mouse club trying to be the Rat Pack)  

Okay, yawn yawn, what everyone has been waiting for:  THE AMERICAN IDOL 5 CONTESTANTS REMAINING RECAP!

Lacking cigarettes and booze in hand, unlike Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr. and Frank Sinatra (the dead rat pack), the 5 remaining contestants for Season 8 came on stage alive and ready to go.

This is getting so exciting!  Isn't it?  The suspense?  The drama!

I can't do it.  Let's stop the insanity.  Let's stop the denial, the pretending, the lies we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better.  It's time to deal with reality.  The reality is that there is absolutely no suspense about who will be the Season 8 American Idol winner.  Let's save ourselves all a lot of time.  Adam will win by a landslide. Don't even try to insult my intelligence with your ego-driven need to have chaos and drama in your life.  Adam is the Winner.  

So, time to move on and take a good hard look at the remaining four contestants who will be battling it out for 2nd place (yawn yawn).

 

(PERFECT ADAM IS UNSTOPPABLE:  AMERICAN IDOL 2009)  

Change of heart.  Let's start with EVEN MORE PERFECT ADAM who the producers often choose to perform last.  This is for obvious rating reasons but it causes tremendous anxiety for those of us who are still suffering post-traumatic stress disorder because of that time the show went late, and Adam's part got cut off and those of us who have actual lives (I was watching reruns of American Idol at the time and had DVR'd the show) missed his performance!  I'm still getting nightmares from that.

Back to Adam:

(Adam gets 2 pictures tonight for being the Winner)  

People, have I been calling it for weeks or what?  With my alert eyes and intuitive gut, I picked Adam before Simon picked Adam.  I picked Adam before he picked Eve.  How can I describe Adam's performance tonight?  It's one of those, "you had to be there" moments.  

Adam's stunning entrance was mouth-watering (God, why wasn't I born a gay male?), jaw dropping, head bowing, that made the audience say in unison, "Yes there is a God!"  Even Christopher Hitchens was spotted in the crowd.

Adam continued to tease.  He's crooning,  "I'm feeling good.  Oh yeah, baby, I'm feeling good.  You know how I feel (oh yeah he knows how I feel), I'm FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELING good!

(Jamie Foxx...rethinking heterosexuality after working with Adam)  

I mean this guy is So good, SO compelling, SO sexy, SO talented that even Jamie Foxx has a crush on him!  Really, he does.  I'm trained to detect these things.  After Adam rehearsed with THE FOXX (and he is), Jamie was drooling all over him, like getting all girliefied, and batting his eyes.  Jamie said, and I quote, "Yo, my man!  You took me in, you took me up, you brought me in, you drew me in, man".  THE FOXX was all in a dither over Adam.  Tell him to stand in line...Kara should be done with the Rabbit shortly (this will become crystal clear straight away).

(The well used Rabbit is shared by Kara and Paula)  

 

(Kara:  Suspiciously red faced)  

Kara was fawning all over Adam (as were all the judges).  Kara is also a Kleptomaniac and had stolen Paula's Rabbit from under her chair when she wasn't looking.  Kara went crazy.  She was acting like she had the Rabbit strategically located in her chair.  She was gushing, her mouth open wide, leaning forward, bobbing her head, and muttering, "OH, UH, MOAN, GROAN, SHOCKING, CONFUSING, MOAN, GROAN, SLEAZY, SUPERB, I DON'T KNOW, CRAZINESS."  Geez, I felt like I was watching soft porn.  And I'm pretty sure there are a couple of insults in there.  Passive aggressive and inappropriate is what Kara is.  

Let's face it.  The judges are getting more entertaining than the remaining 4 contestants.  And speaking of SLEAZY, what was with that red napkin dress Paula had on? Oddly enough, I can't find a single picture of that fashion fiasco anywhere on the Internet.  Wonder what's up with that?

(If this picture looks blurry, then you need your eyes checked!)  

Paula's dress looked like a French tablecloth that's all messed up after a long satisfying meal.  And not to be catty, but her left eye was a little more droopy than the right...a possible botched Botox job. Any woman who gets Botox doesn't like herself; let's get that clear from the get go!

(Kris:  I’m getting the urge to pinch his wittle cheeks!)  

KRIS ALLEN sang, "Someday"...and I swear he changed the lyrics to, "Someday...I'll reach puberty".  Isn't that what you heard?  This week, Kris went from sexy lover to mousey munchkin.  There's something so YOUNG about him.  Like it should be against the law for any woman over say, 39, to have fantasies about him.  Anyway, Kris's song for me was fine, good in the good way but a little weak.  He looked a little anemic, like he needed some protein.   Give the guy some cheese.  Again, a great voice but that note at the end...squeaky.

(Randy:  Self-Educate!)  

Randy started in with his feedback: "Yo, Yo.  That was the bong."  Okay, since I'm being really brutally honest tonight, may I say this?  Randy needs to get some current verbage.  He needs to log on to www.urbandictionary.com and get some new words.  His grammar sucks as well.  He said and I quote, "Yo, Yo, don't care what nobody tells you, that was the BONG."  Okay, Randy, you should know that double negatives are a no no.

(I didn’t know what this was until my children told me.  They said they learned about it in school.)  

Speaking of BONG, did any of you notice the subtle form of brainwashing that was permeating the show tonight?  Ryan is responsible for starting the subliminal message to the youth of America to be dopes and smoke dope.  You didn't notice?  Were you stoned? This is like the cover of that Beatles album where Paul is the only one walking barefoot; this is like when if you played that album backwards, all it said was, "Paul is dead, Paul is dead."

American Idol is on a secret mission to promote the well-known gateway drug marijuana.  Look at this:

 1.    Ryan said that Matt was "stoked".  We all know what "stoked" really means (urban dictionary, definition #10).

 2.    Randy told Kris he was the BONG.  We all know what a bong is (urban dictionary, definition #2).

 3.    Paula compared Adam Lambert to Michael Phelps (that Olympic greedy gold medalist guy).  Phelps is also a well- known pothead (urban dictionary, definition #2).

American Idol is going to hell in a hand basket.  I’m pretty sure I saw Ryan at the 420 gathering in Boulder last week.

(Sweet Sultry Suddenly 17 Allison)  

ALLISON:  Hey, Allison's hair was all subdued.  It went from hot pink to hot pink with dark hot pink streaks.  She looked adorable in her sweet 17 birthday party dress.  But something really creepy happens when she opens her mouth.  Don't get me wrong.  I think Allison should be in the final 2, well I guess really the final 1.  It will be her against her for second spot because Adam already won. But there's a Freaky Friday sense about her.  Like she's really her mom who got time warped into her body.  

(Look how sweet Simon looks )  

No thanks to Simon who I'm now mad at (it's our first fight) for dissing sweet sultry Allison.  Simon said she lacked the confidence.  Kara told Simon he was crazy.  Simon looked like he was desperately searching for rat poison to put in Kara's drink.

Status:  Allison is in trouble and for absolutely no good reason.

MATT:  Why does Matt suddenly remind me of Kevin Federline?

   (See what I mean?  Identical twins separated at birth.)

Anyway, Matt sang Funny Valentine, I was thinking April Fool.  His voice was smooth, his contact with the camera sincere.  Yawn, yawn.  Randy used his standard fallback word "pitchy".  Again, urban dictionary ASAP.   Kara was obviously still preoccupied with the Rabbit and talked about the "stiff" competition.  She wasn't feeling emotionally connected with him.  Passive aggressive and co-dependent.  This girl needs therapy.

Simon must be experiencing manopausal symptoms (I'll be posting about this very important topic soon) because he was being completely irrational.  He thought Matt sounded like Nat King Cole and was brilliant.  He's clearly not seeing the Matt/Federline connection.  And sorry, but the word "brilliant" is never going to come to mind when you're thinking anything that has Federline in it.

Status:  Matt, despite Simon's unexplainable accolades, is in trouble.

Danny:  America's Sweetheart!  

He sang, "Come Rain or Come Shine".  Maybe I'm peri-menopausal.  I was bored.  I felt Danny was in a drought. Kara went on a charismatic filled with the Holy Spirit speaking in tongues rant:  "Danny, that was a Rat Pack Swagger.  You had Swag tonight."  Even Simon liked the word, "Swagger".  Simon offered a peace to pipe to Kara (another subliminal message about the demon weed) by agreeing with her.  I think Simon was wasted.  

All I could think of was that televangelist who used to cry more than Tammy Faye Bakker.   I know they're hard to keep track of, but the Swaggert guy was the megapastor who was always sobbing and beating his chest because he was addicted to prostitutes and meeting them in cheesy motel rooms, and he would feel really really guilty because of the bittersweet combination of enormous pleasure mixed with obvious hypocrisy but then he couldn't stop himself, and please could you donate more money to the ministry?  Yeah, that guy.

Status:  Danny is safe.  Duh.

Next week is Rock 'N Roll Week.  I can feel a universal shift in the right direction.  But Adam, don’t mess up your Karma.  You know I love you, you know that for sure, but I swear...if you sing an Elvis song, I'm gonna have to start backing Jamie Foxx as the next American Idol.  Or even worse...Kara.

SPOILER UPDATE APRIL 29TH  11:00 MST

ADAM IN THE BOTTOM TWO???  WTH? WTF? SERIOUSLY?  ADAM IN THE BOTTOM TWO?  NEXT TO MATT??????? REALLY?  SURE IT'S NOT AN APRIL'S FOOLS JOKE?  OH, IT IS A MAD MAD WORLD INDEED.

I smell a rat.  This screams conspiracy.  Where is Mel Gibson when you need him?

And if this wasn't rigged, it's all my fault.  I will take personal responsibility for this.  I jinxed Adam with my cocky post today pronouncing him the American Idol Winner.  I alone am responsible.  And poor Adam almost had to pay for my pride.  Pride almost cameth before Adam's fall.  When will I ever learn?  Every time, and I mean every time, I think I know something for certain, I get humbled.  It's getting really old.

But maybe it's not me.  Maybe it's Adam's edginess?  Maybe it's homophobia coming out in full force?    

Or is it that we're at a time in our country where we want to go for the underdog, any underdog, no matter what?

Is Adam going to have to get rid of any kind of emo/goth/makeup look?   Did he forget that people in the Red States vote too?

Well all I know is that American Idol became real interesting tonight real quick.  And I for one am relieved.  It's kind of hard to make a post interesting when you know who the winner's gonna be.

Right now, it's anybody's guess.  But I promise you all one thing.  This was a harsh cold reality in my face.  From now on, I guess I’m gonna have to actually vote.  ADAM!  ADAM!  ADAM!

As for Matt's farewell swan song, I don't know about you but he was THE BONG!  He rocked the house, sang impeccably, and made me cry.

Well, gotta go.  Things to do.......

 

 Eating Crow