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Question: After having an affair 8 years ago, out of the blue the man calls me to tell me he "wanted to make sure I was okay," and ended the call with "I also wanted to tell you I still love you after all these years." I'm still married and worked through the affair, but never really got over it. So I began to "chat" with the Other . He was married to a woman for 22 years before their divorce. During our affair, he told me of another woman he was "in love" with, which tore me up inside. I thought that the two people having an affair would be really into each other--not trailing a line of other people behind. Anyway, Other  ended up marrying the woman and is now separated from her.  

So now he calls me, we have a few chats and get pretty wound up with each other.  Then he ends up telling me he's seeing someone--after a very intimate and loving conversation.  My brain never felt so messed up.  But curiosity got the best of me and I asked plenty of questions.  I come to find out that Other's  seeing a former student of his (he's a 52-year-old college professor) and she's 27.  He goes on to tell me he had a threesome with her and he won't be available to chat because she's coming to visit (she lives 420 miles from him and sees her once a month)--so I don't hear from him for four days.  

There's a push and pull and tug here that I'm trying to understand in men, particularly this man.  Other told me he was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder...and that explains a lot about what I went through with him eight years ago. Now, on top of that, I feel as if he's sadistic too--just hurting me with telling me about this very young girl. I'm 40--and I feel repulsed by the thought of a threesome, and a man that is screwing around with someone 25 years younger (his son is the same age). So---is this guy totally messing with my brain? And why would someone do this...and....why would he ever call in the first place when he's getting it from some young slut? He doesn't need me...and now my life is just turned upside down--my brain can't handle any of it. ...Darlene  

Answer:  If I could distill my advice down to a single word, that word would be: "Run!"  The probable outcome of re-involving yourself with this man will likely be lots of emotional upheaval, guilt, regret, confusion, pain and self-loathing.  Why do I say this?  Because every indication is that this guy is at best, insensitive, and at worst, a master manipulator.  The saying goes: "You can cheat on your wife, but you don't cheat on your mistress."  Yet, he did both, eight years ago, with little regard for either of your feelings.  Then he bragged about loving someone else, despite the fact that you were risking your marriage and future being involved with him.

Now he's returned, again insinuating himself into your life, trying to lure you back into his web, knowing you're vulnerable to him and his lines.  Don't believe he still "loves you after all these years."  If he did he wouldn't call you up out of the blue, throwing your whole world into turmoil...only to once again savage your heart by telling you he's hot for some twenty-something girl with whom he had a three-some.  I don't think he "still" loves you, because I doubt he is capable of loving anyone but himself.  Someone who truly cares about you would never be so blatant in his disregard for your feelings, no matter how much he wanted to get inside your pants.  

It's hard to say whether he is more motivated by his urge to have sex with you, his desire to stroke his own ego by proving he can still "get to you," or his need to diminish your self respect in order to enhance his own.  In any case, none of these are good reasons for you to disrupt your life and peace of mind and plunge headfirst down the rat hole that any relationship with him must surely be.  I know this may sound harsh, but you asked for my honest assessment, and thus I feel compelled to give it to you in the most straight-forward way possible.  My opinion is that any romantic entanglement with this guy is going to ultimately end in heartache for you.  Do yourself a favor and immediately tell him good-bye and good riddance.  Your heart will thank you.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Dec 22, 2008
    • This man isn’t even worthy of being told Goodbye! If you have one more word with him you are essentially telling him it’s ok to treat you like he has been.
      Put him on the Do Not Call list!!!!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Maria Louise Van Deuson wrote Dec 22, 2008
    • Why acknowledge is calls or messages to begin with? IGNORE HIM! He should have no power over you. He is not worthy of you. You have a husband/marriage that you‘re trying to save.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Dec 22, 2008
    • This guy is a toxic narcissist.  There will be nothing left for you if you don’t get away from him NOW.  No last talk, no explanation, nothing...evaporate!

      This guy’s motives and actions are ALL about him and so not about you.

      Burn me once, shame on you...burn me twice, shame on ME.  Especially when the “burn-er” is so transparent.

      From there, i think you need to seek some professional help in your marriage.  You may have “worked through the affair” but you don’t sound as if you did much “work” on your marriage if you could be sucked in again so easily.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Dec 22, 2008
    • Like is this for real??? Please.........this gal needs some BIG TIME PROFESSIONAL HELP!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lisa Middlesworth wrote Dec 22, 2008
    • I would say, close the door on this guy. Would you really want to take that roller coaster ride again?
      Wow! I would kick his ass to the curb, quick!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Amy L. Harden wrote Dec 22, 2008
    • Daphne...took the words right out my mouth...along with David’s...RUN!!!! as fast as you can away from this guy.  

      Here is another saying for you that this guys reminds me of:

      “Skin of the truth, stuffed with a lie”

      “Evaporate” is good advice too!

      This guy is playing you for a fool...only YOU can let him!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Dec 23, 2008
    • He sounds like an A -1 manipulative shit ...
      Head for the hills ...........



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Dec 23, 2008
    • go and NEVER look back!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Dec 23, 2008
    • Why would you ever want this piece of crap?  Why would you even think of settling for below basic?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Dec 23, 2008
    • Mary, I have to agree with you, she needs some help.  She is allowing herself to be hurt, by allowing him to hurt her, she has both the bat and ball in her court



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Dec 23, 2008
    • Why do some people not see that or allow that kind of behavior to go on?  I just don’t get it....



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Dec 23, 2008
    • Seems like there is some self esteem issues, because from the sound of it, the man is no “catch of the day”



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rebecca Deos wrote Dec 27, 2008
    • This man sounds impulsive, and completely selfish, pulling on old strings to fill some sort of void he is feeling. He’s thinking of nobody but himself



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lilibet wrote Dec 27, 2008
    • I agree with everyone. Just reading through half your story my first thought was, “RUN!!“. There is nothing there for you, nothing.
      ~lilibet



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Fabulousfefe wrote Dec 27, 2008
    • Run and don’t look back ever!!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Funjewelri-com wrote Dec 28, 2008
    • Just wondering what made you have an affair?  What really makes people have affairs?  I will admit that it is very hard to be with the same person for many years.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Sunniethoughts wrote Jan 1, 2009
    • Isn’t it amazing how much we “Love” those who say they “love” us??  It is our human nature to seek out those who make us feel needed and loved.....However, the devil can come to us disguised like an angel in light..Don’t be fooled!!..You don’t “need” his toxic attention...You‘re stronger than that!  Get proactive and stop being reactive......Take control and stop being controlled.......Be Kind to YOURSELF and realize that there are some people who are just SICK!  Take care and be STRONG and count the many blessings you have without him in your life! st



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Saylor101 wrote Jan 2, 2009
    • The words RUN spoken before were GREAT advice.
      Remember YOUR worth.   Remember Your Value.  

      And remember any situation that does not offer More Joy than Sorrow is not worth being a part of.  Life is short.  This man builds you up and knocks you down in the same breath - and with such a short history - can you truly imagine spending extended time with someone that treated you like that?  

      What advice would you give your best friend........



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lauradagoddess wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • A guy like this will start and continue to do this type of behavior, which will get worse every time there is correspondence, just to see how much you will take from him.  Run is the right word.  In fact I would tell my S/O that this person will not leave you alone.  Perhaps, if your husband tells him to get lost he finally will.
      But, in any case, stop accepting Other’s calls or any correspondence from him whatsoever. No IM’s, no texts, no calls, block block block. In fact disappear, like Other will or would.
      I had a good friend that was in a situation like this for over ten years. I also know how hard it is because these guys will use any plot and ploy to get you to feel sorry for them, while having an excuse as to why the behavior should be acceptable to you. If the illness or crazy ploy doesn’t work, they usually will turn the tables,by convincing you that their actions were your fault in the first place. They will do or say something they know will piss you off or make you feel bad, or if you call them on something that bothers you, you will always be the one at fault. This ploy makes them the victim that was perfectly within their right to lash back.
      These idiots cannot push you around if you do not allow them to.
      If you were lured back into this situation, even a little, then you absolutely have a problem with your marriage. If your marriage was strong and you were really over this affair, there would have been no way you would have even taken this jerk’s first phone call. Perhaps you need to find the right person for you or maybe you need to find you first.
      Don’t let anyone dictate to you, who you are and how you should be. I agree with saylor, if the relationship gives you more sorrow and self doubt than joy and empowerment, then it is not worth being a part of.
      PeacH
      LDG “TUT” [Link Removed]


      Lauradagoddess, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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