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I love my step daughter and I love my step grandaughter. They live only five minutes away with my husband’s ex-wife. We see one another a lot. We’ve been a big part of their lives.

That being said, my step daughter has been coddled most of her 27 years, she works inconsistently, she is broke much of the time and her mother has been supporting her on and off since the little one was born three years ago. Their relationship is not the healthiest and things have come to a head.

Tonight she’s moving in with us. And, I’m nervous about it.

We have a cottage on the property so she’ll have her own space. That’s a plus.

Is anyone in the same position as I am? Are you living in the same household as your step child/child and grandchildren?

Any advice?



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Alanda Sikes wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • I am in the same boat.  I have an 18 year step-daughter who has a little boy that is almost a year old.  She lives with her mother but for the most part is financially depend on her father as she is still in high school.  He gives her just enough money to buy the things our grandchild need or we buy it ourselves.  Yes I consider the grandchild to mine as well.  My step daughter knows I love her and her son and accept them, but I do have my limits.  The thing that is a must, is she finds a job of some kind even if it is flipping burgers.  Offer to keep the grandchild only when she is working.  Do not keep the child for her to go out partying or hang out with her friends.  You have to set boundaries.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • cynthia you know I am co-raising my (step) sons, but they are much younger. I think your anxiety is because of the unknown. Give it some time and I guess the best thing I can say is try taking the ‘step’ out of the description of them. To me that puts up walls and barriers that could make transitions a little harder. We never use the phrase ‘step’ and I think it helped us a great deal. I was raised in a ‘step’ family and the word was never used, they were my father, my sister and my brother. Actually for my wedding I had 3 dads there vying for my attention..lol..My bio dad and 2 ‘step’ dads and they each had a role in the wedding as they each had a role in my life...

      Sorry to ramble on...hope this helps though..Just give it some time..and relax..it might be better than you anticipated...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • Oh, honey thankfully I have no knowledge of this on a level that it’s my daughter - but my cousin has just gone through the wringer with her daughter and we the cousins and other sisters stepped in and sorted it out-  but think you need to speak to MsLorid ...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Bodycombe wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • Cynthia, the closest I have come to a situation like that is to have my daughter move in with me and my new husband after being apart 5 years.  She was a lot younger..13...but her dad and I have very different parenting styles.  

      My husband and I wrote up a contract...this included things like...our expectations of her...behavior we had zero tolerance...we all signed it.  

      With that said...my philosophy for any relationship is...*Take care of business first so you can enjoy the relationship later & longer*  

      My first thought is you, your husband and your s/daughter should sit down and have a heart...so that you are all more or less on the same page.  Voice hopes and fears...and since your daughter is an adult...draw up legal documents if you see the need.  

      My daughter is 17 now and I have told her neumorous times that if all she takes away from my house is that...*she is her own responsibility* ...then my job is done.  Sounds like your s/daughter still need that lesson.

      my 2 cents...hope it is helpful.

      best of luck!
      :)Michelle



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • cynthia..you can also ask vigirl..when she comes back online..she had a time or two with the same issue..she posted quite a few blogs about the subject...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jomi wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • My step-children still come home from college.  I think I would love it if they had their own space!

      You never know what will happen until a situation comes up.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • Hi Chocolatier. estatic
      I’m very sorry, I have no advice to offer in this matter as I’ve not been in your position. However, I get the feeling that you will handle the situation flawlessly. In addition, she can probably learn alot from you.
      Good luck & many blessings.
      Best,
      Jenz



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • Not I, but I have a friend who has an unmarried 26 yr. old daughter with 2 kids that she spends a lot of time and money helping to support.....   Seems to be a big trend, probably will only get worse in the future with the economy. We will go back to the “old world” way of generations living together.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Adriana Phillips wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • My husband and his brother had both a stepmother and stepfather and they loved them both until they each passed away.  I think soulful40 hit the nail on the head - they were never stepkids, just another child in the family.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • I’m grateful for all the great insights here. Thank you all. I’ll message Lori for her thoughts. She’s not online at the moment.

      I’m also very grateful that I have a really good relationship with my daughter (thank you, Denise!) I’m very different from her mother and she gets a completely different perspective on things from me. She asks my advice a lot. I tell her straight up how I feel but I’m more gentle in my approach than her parents are. That could be our saving grace.

      My mother says that I may be what she needs to encourage her and move her forward. I’m nervous because I have no children of my own and I don’t want to do this wrong.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • Oh Chocolatier.....no one is perfect....and parents, step or otherwise...always mess up....   It’s a live and learn big old world.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • I’m not only in the boat, I think it’s a submarine! I’ll talk more later. Maybe tomorrow. Busy day!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Meto wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • Yes yes Yes! been there done that.. I good news is she will have her own space, which means you and your husband will have YOURS!! This my dear is VERY important. However, let me “warn” you.... You and your husband need to have a long realistic talk and be sure you both ar on the same page with “RULES” Then all three of you need to sit down and her father needs to tell her what is expected of her. After that it is totally up to her father YOUR husband to make sure all is going well. You really cannot interfer because this is HTS child. (even though she is an adult). A big wedge can come between you and your husband, should you start complaining about her. And no matter what Blood is thicker than Water. So PLEASE  everyone talk about what is expected BEFORE she moves in!!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Feb 16, 2009
    • One more thing cynthia...God puts people in our lives for a reason...I believe that you are given this opportunity to be more of a help to your daughter than a hinderance...You have helped so many of us, including me, in so many ways..I truly do consider you a friend because of your caring and compassion, but most of all, your honesty...You daughter will benefit from this move, trust and believe in that..You will not steer her wrong!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dee Dee Shaw wrote Feb 17, 2009
    • Cynthia,
      I don’t really have any advice (unbelievable from me, the blabbermouth), but I will pray for you, Joe, and her. I can only imagine that there will be ups and downs, but I agree with everyone else. You will do a great job! I am praying that your influence will help her grow up and into her potential. estatic



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