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Hello all and I am wondering if anyone else had the problem I had. Being on my own and trying to pay the bills and virtually just survive, I found I needed more help with household finances. I had chewed this up one side and down the other as to how I would approach my adult children without them blowing a gasket.

It became a monster that would take over all my thoughts as to HOW I would approach them, etc.... The issue seemed to go from needing help to worrying more about their response. I was putting more time to their reaction than the issue at hand. They are both gainfully employed and had alot , well lets just say everything provided for them. They each payed alittle but it really hardly made a dent.

I asked my friends about it, and they said I had every right to ask for help since I was trying to do it all. I knew they were right but still waivered in doing it.I knew that if my friends had this problem I would also give them the same answers they were giving me. But it felt so hard to get this conversation started.

Finally I found my nerve and opened the whole thing up for discussion. While we had a few MOMENTS in the conversation, I held my ground and stuck with it. I was worthy of help and knew it. We came to an amicable agreement and I know I did the right thing.  

If you need some push in doing this, give me a shout, maybe I can help!



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Feathermaye wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • I think you absolutely did the right thing.

      When my husband’s youngest daughter had a falling out with her mother, she came and lived with us. She was a senior in high school at the time.

      We explained to her that although she would not be required to contribute to household expenses while still in high school, she would be expected to contribute once she'd graduated (she didn't intend to go to school full-time).  

      She landed a full-time job and we all agreed upon a $100/month payment toward her utilities, food, laundry supplies, etc. This include meals (we cooked nightly and still had a high schooler in the house, too) prepped for her every night and sometimes her dad even did her laundry, if we needed to ‘round out’ a load or two.

      Our goal, more than seeing any profit from the situation, since we were doing all right, was to teach her to anticipate the ‘bills’ at the beginning of every month. Even though she worked full time and drove a car that was paid for, she still struggled to manage her money to have $100 to pay toward her livelihood. Many family meetings later, she decided that it was more appealing to move back in with Mom because she wouldn’t have to pay to live there. However, they did NO grocery shopping, she had to do her own laundry and buy her own supplies (and often showed up with clothes that told the tale of how often THAT happened).

      Cutting to the chase: she learned absolutely nothing from this experience in her mother’s house, and ended up worse off than if she’d just buckled down and started taking her life seriously. Her mother thought that to hold her accountable would push her away; Scott and I believe that teaching her responsibility is tantamount to her supporting herself.

      Today, she (the daughter) is almost 20 years old and the situation with her mother has gone to hell. She (the daughter) ran up a $300 cell phone bill (that mom all of a sudden had a problem paying), lost the car that she was coerced into (with mom and step-dad as co-signers) and then bounced a check to her mother when told she would have to pay back some of these things.

      Now, she’s living with her older brother and his family, and they are trying to help her get her $h*+ together. She has lived such an entitled life that I really worry about how she’ll ever survive on her own. She’s making progress, but it’s slow and painful to watch.

      I completely agree with holding our adult kids accountable for the expenses they generate and the items they consume.  

      Good on you, Mom!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Meshell Forest wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • Wow,  well wait till you hear my story,  

      My H and I have 3 biological children but, When we met, I was a single mom, I already had a daughter that was 13 months old. We married met and married in 6 weeks, he accepted me and my daughter as his own, and in fact, my daughter has never seen her real father. He split, and even tho I tried many times to find him, I was never successful.  

      Our oldest daughter ( she is 24)  is going thru a divorce right now, she is extremely independent, and has a little boy, my grandson Austin, he is 2.  They live on their own.  

      Our other daughter, ( she is 21)  STILL Lives at home.  downstairs in the bedroom in the basement,  With her FIANC‘E, and My 1 year old Grandaughter, And on Fridays To Mondays Jeremy’s “(the Fianc‘e ) 4 year old boy, comes to stay with us.  

      They both work,  full time... And pay us 200.00 a month.  There have been many issues, many times where I have wanted to make them MOVE OUT.  but Hubby will not Force the issue.  And it took me for ever to get him to even start making them pay anything at all ti live here. That has just happened within the last 6 months.    

      Do not get me wrong here, I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a Grandmother, and I love having My grandchildren here,  My grandaughter Caiden is sooo precious to me.  She is a Memaw’s gurl..  

      But, my daughter and her family have been living with us for almost 3 years now,  She met Jeremy at a night club, almost 3 years ago, and then before I knew it, she had secretly moved him into our house, with out our knowledge,  being that she was downstairs,  and we live upstairs,  Then within 6 months time, they announced that they were pregnant.  Unfortunately, when she was in her 14th week, the baby died in utero.  We thought that they would split, but they didn’t. If anything, they got closer, and within 3 months time, she was pregnant again.  

      So, Hubby refuses to make them move out until they Can make it completely.  I am not saying make them move out, and not help them.  But, they decided to become parents, and grownups,  they need to play the rest of the game.  Even if we have to help them out a bit.  Its not like we havne’t helped out our other daughter some, in her times of need,  

      Arrrgghh..  3 years....



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Maura Jones wrote Oct 20, 2008
    • We had a similar experience with our two kids.  Neither one wanted to go to college and I wasn’t about to finance them sitting around the house living off mom & dad.  Since we didn’t need the money, we made them get jobs and charged them each $300 per month (plus car insurance and cell phone) that I put into a savings account.  At the end of 6 months, they had a nice little nest egg to supplement them moving out.  I gave them the money and their walking papers!  It worked great and both of them are now independent and living on their own for the last 3 years.  Of course, I was traveling out of the country for the last 3 years, so there is no chance that they‘re gonna move back in!  They don’t even have keys to my house!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cassandra wrote Dec 21, 2008
    • Good for you , you did the right thing ! I have a friend whos kids live off her and its hard for her to make it . They have jobs and make good money could move out on there own but don’t . I think it helps young adults to get ready to go out on there own and to learn you have to leave the nest sometime . I love what you did maurajones .
      Cheers to you~



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