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I have this friend.. we knew each other first online.. then visited for a long weekend.. but i am in my 40’s she in her 20’s... and though that shouldnt make a difference i have learned sometimes it does..

Our friendship few yrs ago soured.. due to some choices she made... and i probably did not handle it well, now she wants to be buddies again.. and truth be told? I cannot do it.. i have tried.. and i honestly cannot do it..

I never can seem to talk to her, we are thousands of miles apart.. so thats not gonna happen real time, and i am not using phone cuz i have a track phone and only so many left till pay day two weeks away..  

so i mailed/noted her

here it is:

You and me need to talk..  And I am sorry that its not gonna be happy happy.. Cuz I cant do it.  Every time I wanna talk with you, you‘re always either saying to everyone you are tired from being sick or your two girls are on your lap.  Or whatever.. And I am not gonna get in any way there :P  

 Iv been turning this friendship thing over and over..  I dont think it will ever be as close as we once thought it to be..  *I* have trust issues..  And probably always will have, and I dount it will change anytime soon to a degree that will make it to a close close friendship.  

 Truth be told, I feel way to old for you..  Way to old...  And thats ok..  I probably am.  We are nto NOT friends..  But we arent close friends..  And I dont think I can be.

 We arent enemies either...  And I cant say its dizzy, dizzy just shows it best..  Cuz thats the only place I see you ever..  We rarely chat in aim, we dont chat in lj..  I dont KNOW you..  And your life is so vastly different its not funny.. Since years ago, with all the hussle with bryce and such..

 I dont WANT to get over it completely, cuz I do not want to trust that much ever ever ever again.  Every time I do, it slaps me in the face and when I turn round, I get kicked in the ass.  

Joan.. who just cant be like i was.. and never want to be again.  

***

sigh, was that cold? harsh? fair? I dont know.. it confuses me.. this friendship thing? I either am.. or am not.. but i cant pretend and keep ‘trying’ to be a trusting friend when in reality i am NOT a trusting friend because I am to damn busy looking over my shoulder.

(dizzy btw is an online game my soon to be son in law runs and we both help him)

anyway.. i needed to get it off my chest and this is the place for it i reckon..

i just.. bah..

I hate hurting pple.. but prollonging something and making them believe something thats nto true.. isnt right either..  

maybe now i can relax enough to where she and i can talk and not be strained because i am trying to ‘force’ myself to be a friend again to her..  

bangs head on desk

why do i feel like i am a bad person?



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mz. Queen wrote Dec 16, 2008
    • Dear Willow,

        Being true to oneself is a tower of strength, that’s what I believe. Be at peace with your decision.

      [Link Removed]


      47ntiredorunnin, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Dec 16, 2008
    • I agree with Teek.
      It’s good to know what we want & don’t want in our lives, and healthy to make choices accordingly.
      Also, if the situation is disturbing your peace of mind, then by all means, remedy that, which it sounds to me like you’ve done. Good for you.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Joan Cox wrote Dec 16, 2008
    • i think you all for your comments.. I know what I did/said was right.. because i have enjoyed almost three yrs of drama free situations since she and i stopped doing more then ‘occasional keep up with one another msgs‘.. and in the week that she has been ‘back’ into my life even if its ONLY online.. the drama is starting again.. and it makes me feel..

      childish.. like i am playing high school drama bathroom girls games (you guys remember back in high school? bad girls hung out in the bathroom....and drama lived... and lived.. i wonder if it is the same now)

      it is hard too though.. because i feel callous.. cruel.. i know for me its a relief but for her.. its painful.. and i am not cutting off ‘friendship‘.. just cutting it short of becomming close like we once was..  

      I think sometimes some things in our lives come to an end for a reason..

      i think too in my case.. our age/lfe difference is such an extent that i honestly find myself looking down on her as if she is a ‘child‘, when she is an adult in her early 20’s with two daughters of her own..

      i suck on that winces

      but i am sure my decision was right.. just.. feel harsh bout it

      blows kisses

      thank you for your support



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