I have this friend.. we knew each other first online.. then visited for a long weekend.. but i am in my 40’s she in her 20’s... and though that shouldnt make a difference i have learned sometimes it does..

Our friendship few yrs ago soured.. due to some choices she made... and i probably did not handle it well, now she wants to be buddies again.. and truth be told? I cannot do it.. i have tried.. and i honestly cannot do it..

I never can seem to talk to her, we are thousands of miles apart.. so thats not gonna happen real time, and i am not using phone cuz i have a track phone and only so many left till pay day two weeks away..  

so i mailed/noted her

here it is:

You and me need to talk..  And I am sorry that its not gonna be happy happy.. Cuz I cant do it.  Every time I wanna talk with you, you‘re always either saying to everyone you are tired from being sick or your two girls are on your lap.  Or whatever.. And I am not gonna get in any way there :P  

 Iv been turning this friendship thing over and over..  I dont think it will ever be as close as we once thought it to be..  *I* have trust issues..  And probably always will have, and I dount it will change anytime soon to a degree that will make it to a close close friendship.  

 Truth be told, I feel way to old for you..  Way to old...  And thats ok..  I probably am.  We are nto NOT friends..  But we arent close friends..  And I dont think I can be.

 We arent enemies either...  And I cant say its dizzy, dizzy just shows it best..  Cuz thats the only place I see you ever..  We rarely chat in aim, we dont chat in lj..  I dont KNOW you..  And your life is so vastly different its not funny.. Since years ago, with all the hussle with bryce and such..

 I dont WANT to get over it completely, cuz I do not want to trust that much ever ever ever again.  Every time I do, it slaps me in the face and when I turn round, I get kicked in the ass.  

Joan.. who just cant be like i was.. and never want to be again.  

***

sigh, was that cold? harsh? fair? I dont know.. it confuses me.. this friendship thing? I either am.. or am not.. but i cant pretend and keep ‘trying’ to be a trusting friend when in reality i am NOT a trusting friend because I am to damn busy looking over my shoulder.

(dizzy btw is an online game my soon to be son in law runs and we both help him)

anyway.. i needed to get it off my chest and this is the place for it i reckon..

i just.. bah..

I hate hurting pple.. but prollonging something and making them believe something thats nto true.. isnt right either..  

maybe now i can relax enough to where she and i can talk and not be strained because i am trying to ‘force’ myself to be a friend again to her..  

bangs head on desk

why do i feel like i am a bad person?