Don't have an account? To participate in discussions consider signing up or signing in
facebook connect
Sign-up, its free! Close [x]

Benefits

  • okay Create lasting relationships with other like minded women.
  • okay Blogging, let your voice be heard!
  • okay Interact with other women through blogs,questions and groups.
  • okay Photo Album, upload your most recent vacation pictures.
  • okay Contests, Free weekly prize drawing.
  • okay Weekly Newsletter.


I posted this on my blogspot blog earlier in the year, but this is always the time of year I reflect. I met a lady recently (on Joshua's birthday no less)who has a baby boy named Joshua Caleb. When she told me his name, I almost lost it. Then I stood in the middle of the gas station parking lot and blubbered out my story. I often feel like I was robbed, and then I remember how God has blessed me so incredibly. I repost this not to relive the pain (though I do) but in hopes to help someone else who might be dealing with a loss. I also need to be able to share with other people. At our house we don't talk much about Joshua. None of the children remember much, and the older children shush the younger children for fear of making me cry (even though I tell them it is okay.) I guess I should rewrite this from a 10 year perspective, but for now I'll just let you read the blog I posted back in the summer when I 'met' Heather after losing her son Sawyer who was still-born.
..........................................................
It is funny how God takes us down rabbit trails to lead us back to Him, and to remind us of who we are - where we’ve been. Several times over the course of the last few days Joshua has been the topic of conversation. Then tonight while reading Amanda’s blog the Lord led me down memory lane. Tears filled my eyes as I read of another mother’s pain and struggles. The realization that Joshua would be ten years old this fall struck me like a slap in the face. The hurt never goes away. It still physically hurts, like the weight of several hundred pounds of bricks laying across my chest. I am so thankful that the Lord is my Rock and my Refuge. My struggles over the past few years pale in comparison to the death of my sweet baby. Gratitude fills my soul as I ponder how merciful my Heavenly Father has been to me, even when I was at my lowest. Life and death are in His hands. I am so thankful that He filled my heart with praise when my sinful wretched human nature only wanted to be angry and bitter. It is not I, but He who gave me the ability to Praise Him, Even in the Storms of Life. I have wept bitter tears, but God prevented my heart from being filled with bitterness.
As a tribute to Joshua, I wanted to post the journal I wrote a few weeks after he died. I posted it quite a while back on my CafeMom homepage. It is good to remember and not forget. The age diffrence between Michael and Elisabeth is so small. There is no noticable gap, but I always feel like there is someone missing. It hurts that everyone seems to think talking of him is taboo. It is true that it makes me emotional, but it almost feels like we dishonor him by never talking about him.

“Because I Said So”

There are qualities in our parents that we want to emulate, and there are some that we vehemently vow never to copy. I can remember as a child being given the answer, “because I said so.” I hated that answer! I vowed never to respond that way to MY children because, as a child, I felt like it was a cop-out. My parents just didn’t want to take the time to explain, or they didn’t have a reason (or so I thought then.) With six living children, the oldest being ten, I have to admit that I have broken my vow more times than I can count. It didn’t occur to me until I was a parent that “because I said so” is an answer that we must give when the explanation is beyond the comprehension of the one asking the question.

I was lying in bed, screaming from the depths of my soul WHY WHY WHY when that still small voice inside said....“because I said so.” Now, please don’t think that I have gone off my rocker so far as to think that God was “speaking to me.” It was just a realization that God doesn’t cop-out by not answering our WHY’s. He just knows the answer is more than we can comprehend in the dim light of this world. Even if he offered us HIS reason, it would never be good enough for us while we still are at war with our flesh.
As the weeks pass, I still struggle to move past the “whys.” I have had to admit to myself that they will never completely quit haunting me. I received a letter from a saint of 68 years. She recalled her loss as if it were yesterday. So my question after reading her letter was, “How do I move on?” Paul says in Philippians 3: 13, “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”

Joshua Caleb was born October 16th (1998). God called him back to sing with the angels on Nov 19th (1998). Five short weeks to enjoy a precious blessing from above didn’t seem like enough time to me. Joshua was born with aortic stenosis (a heart defect). He had a heart cath when he was 6 days old which corrected the problem. The autopsy showed that he had suffered a heart attack (presumably caused by a blood clot from the procedure) several days later that went undetected (even though I took him to the emergency room suspecting something was wrong .) He died three weeks later from the build up of scar tissue. The cardiologist said that his heart literally exploded from the pressure. Even in his death God was merciful. Clay was home. We had just stopped in long enough to grab a bite to eat. I don’t even like to think how I would have responded had we been on the road. God could have left us wondering if there was something else we could have done that day to save him. Calling 911 and performing CPR always works in the movies. The autopsy was clear that it was beyond human efforts to save him that day. So why didn’t God intervene? Why does He allow His children to suffer such agony? You don’t have to search the scriptures far to find where David and Job ask the same questions. The answer is clear...“because I said so.” And that must be enough for we haven’t the ability to comprehend the mind of God. We have had many people offer us verses of encouragement. (And they have all been encouraging.) However, knowing that he is able to worship God perfectly -without me there to enjoy it too... doesn't’ quench my selfish desire to be a mommy to him here on earth. Even knowing that God is going to use it for something good rings hollow when you ache to nurse the child you labored to give birth to. It is only when you stop to realize that it was God that breathed life into him in the first place that the healing begins. Isaiah gets to the heart of the matter when he says, “Hast thou not known? Hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? There is no searching of his understanding..” We have to give up on the idea of ever understanding why and learn to accept...“because I said so.”

Penned December 1998



  •  

Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Oct 26, 2008
    • Dee Dee,

      Thanks for opening your heart to us. You‘re a really special lady.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dee Dee Shaw wrote Oct 26, 2008
    • I just posted a video of my all time favorite song. I will one day figure out how to add a playlist to my profile. LOL



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Chrissyandcoco wrote Oct 27, 2008
    • As this time of year approaches for you I am sure that you relive a great deal of emotion and spiritual challenge.  We can thank God that you have great faith and acceptance of God’s abundant love and his plan for each of us. Your understanding of God’s word is a true testimony.
      Our son Daniel was born on November 19, 1989 we nearly lost him four weeks later. We count our blessings that he is with us today.
      What a glorious day when you will see Joshua again!
      Thank you for your touching story,
      Gayle



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dee Dee Shaw wrote Oct 27, 2008
    • Gayle,
      We have friends who have a child born within weeks of Joshua. For years I couldn’t be around them because it hurt so much. Now, I hurt for them. Their son has severe non-verbal autism. They have ‘lost’ their son, but with no closure. They have spent countless thousands trying to recover him (it is (diagnosed as) vaccine damage induced autism.) He is much better than he was diagnosed, but still their little boy is trapped inside himself and they agonize everyday. My heart aches, and the pain is great, but I can not fathom the incessant pain they have to struggle with. It is part of what drives me and makes me so passionate about health education.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Chrissyandcoco wrote Oct 28, 2008
    • We have two families that we are extremely close to that have children that have mental challenges.  One is autism and one is downs syndrome. They are both boys.  I think about their long term care needs. You are right I cannot fathom the  pain they have to struggle with on a daily basis .  It has to be unconditional love and faith that help you work through it.  What an immense challenge though.   I know that it has to be taxing on all of the family members and God bless us mommies!.
      I woke this morning early with a heavy mind.   Sunday morning around 3:30 AM we had a young male student visiting our campus for homecoming from GA.  He and some friends were at one of the overlooks and he went to sit on the ledge and lost his balance and plummeted about fifty feet.  I am assuming alcohol was involved but I do not know that for certain.  He passed away shortly afterward.  I try to put my self in that family's situation and it breaks my heart.  We have had several terrible things happen to families while we have been here.  It would be a real test of faith for a tradegy like that to occur.  I told my son yesterday that if I knew for certain that my child will be in heaven then I think it would make dealing with death a bit easier from a spiritual aspect but it has to be one of the heaviest burdens a parent would bear. I pray that I will never know however; we are not promised another day.  I pray that I never have to deal with the loss of one of our children! And ours are adults or nearly adults. It doesn't feel natural...we are supposed to go first in my mind.  

       We live on a mountain, the campus is beautiful and we have many over looks and bluffs.  But its beauty has some scars.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Feathermaye wrote Oct 28, 2008
    • Dee Dee,

      I was so moved by your story, and your come-to-terms with the “Because I said so” that we’ve all heard, and said, in our lives.

      I imagine even after ten years it does not become any easier. Thanks for sharing your wonderful Joshua with us.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dee Dee Shaw wrote Oct 28, 2008
    • Heather,
      It wasn't until I went through this that I understood how 'because I said so' can be more than just a cop-out answer. Our pat answer for our children when they ask things they wouldn't understand, or what to do things they aren't ready to do is "when you're 21". LOL We got that from an Australian friend. Same concept though - "when you're ready" - and I think there are some things in this life we'll never be 'ready' for. Burying a child is one of them, as is understanding all the evil and corruption. That is something I never want to be able to comprehend! I have learned not to ask "why God?" because sometimes I'd just rather not know. :)
      Gayle, I agree - it is unatural to have to bury your child, no matter how old they are. And that story is very sad indeed. So many young folks think they are invincible.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Chrissyandcoco wrote Oct 28, 2008
    • That is the very word a friend of that young man used to describe him ironically...INVINCIBLE!  Jerry my husband just came home a bit ago and I asked about the young man’s family and if alcohol was a factor.  It was and that is a shame. This is one of my “because I say so” responses.  Never over indulge...“because I say so!”  You never know what might happen if you do!
      I’m with you Dee Dee, I never want to comprehend evil or corruption but I refuse to live in fear. Maybe that is easy for me to say because of where I live. LOL I truly feel like I live in a “safety zone” as far as community. A wonderful blessing and I’m thankful for it!
      Talk to you soon,
      Gayle



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Theresa Simmons wrote Nov 17, 2008
    • I am praying for you with allmy heart.



            Report  Reply


About this author View Blog » 
author