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Betrayal ....Regaining your trust. How if ever can you get it back. You have someone in your life Female/Male (either or) someone who you have given your complete trust. If this person said it was so..It was gold. Now as you get to know this person you hear things she/he says that don't quite add up..The seeds of doubt begin to grow..You confront this person with your concerns..Now this person is someone you love very deeply..And to even imagine that the things you are thinking could be done by this person makes you catch your breath..Everything as you have known about this person has been a lie. It's like they were playing a part in a sick movie.  You say to yourself..No this can't be so..I could never have been that naive and just plain stupid..And if it is so..Am I that blind..You begin to doubt your skills in being able to discern between what is real and what is fiction..In other words the ultimate Mind Fu*k .  When you bring your information and questions to this person and confront them they are shocked you could have ever thought they were capable of such a nasty trick...You feel a little embarrassed and start thinking how paranoid your being..Come on after all.. This person Loves You...Then about 6 months into this adventure..Evidence against this person mounts and then finally they admit it..They give you the reason for this unacceptable, hurtful, and somewhat cruel game. Your mind reels when you start to realize that everything you thought you knew was a sham...the events that took place up to this point have been part of a game..Nothing was real...The reason for this deception: I did it so I would be more interesting..I thought that if you knew me as I am, you would find me uninteresting...The first feeling you get is like being punched in the gut...you feel like ripping this persons heart out..Then you realize that your heart is broken in a way that you're not sure it can be repaired..You start examining yourself..Wondering if maybe it was your own fault..That you should have seen this coming..But you didn't because it would have been to devastating to admit you have been played for a complete fool... You made excuses to yourself and dismissed the facts that were staring you in your face...Now the real heart break is that You Deeply and Truly Love this person..You can't imagine your life without them..So what do you do..How do you ever regain your trust in this relationship..You're looking for reasons to stay..But..Your mind is saying "Are You The Poster Child For Stupid"..What do you do?



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 13, 2008
    • Do we all wear masks at some point in our lives?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Oct 13, 2008
    • That picture kat reminds me of our upcoming Chicks Retreat in February.  The theme is :  Unmasked-the lies women believe.  I can’t tell you anything about it because it hasn’t happened yet...but your story and pic reminded me of this upcoming event with the chicks in my church.  

      You know....most women are smart.  We can read into these lies...and our gut feelings are usually right on it.  

      I’ve always said if you get burned once...it’s ignorance..but get burned twice...it’s stupid.  It is hard to trust again....but it’s something you need to pray about...if prayer is in your beliefs.  You can forgive, but it doesn’t mean you ever forget.  

      I’m 44 years old.  I have come to the point in my life that I’m looking out for ME.  No one else is going to truly do that...so I’m taking charge of my life...and I’m definitely not putting up with other people’s crap.  Why should I?  I’m not saying that you are to easily give up on a relationship, but you need to look at the pros and cons of it and visualize how it will be in the future.  And remember it takes at least 2 to make a relationship..and both have to work at it DAILY.  But that trust factor is a hard one.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 13, 2008
    • See that's just it..I have an uncanny ability to see through that stuff and I for the most part read people well..But I think in this instance being blinded by love makes us a bit bias...We don't want to see the worst in those we have entrusted our hearts to..But there is that time when you have to do that reality check. I was in my thirties when this happened..It was just on my mind and thought I would throw it out there...I have never been able to forget it and I don't know how to forgive over it..I just walked away and never looked back..



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Oct 13, 2008
    • Well...you definitely have not forgiven...because if you had you wouldn’t have posted this..and you can tell by your words.  Forgiveness is a hard thing.  I did a 6 week study on forgiveness once.  You definitely need to pray that God will help you to forgive the person who has hurt you.  Hanging on to it isn’t hurting that person...but it is still hurting you.  The rule of thumb of forgiveness is...when you think about what was done to you..your temperature doesn’t rise anymore.  But it doesn’t mean you ever forget.  

      You won’t ever forget it...and there is nothing wrong with that.  Ask yourself...“what am I really gaining by hanging on to it?”  I bet..not a damn thing.  Don’t let what happened 10 years ago...control what is going on now.  I promise..if you will let God handle it...turn it over to him...and truly let it go...you will feel the freedom.  You can do it Kat....you deserve to be free of it.  

      Try this....write the person that has hurt you a letter...and say everything and I mean everything...don’t hold anything back...cuss...whatever....but say it...in the letter....read it several times...and get it out.  Then...take that letter outside....and burn it...and tell yourself....all of that is gone.  I can’t tell you how liberating it can make you feel.  And let it all turn to ashes.  

      Remember....you have been given today....it’s a gift....make the most of it..and don’t live in the past...it’s gone.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Oct 13, 2008
    • My father would remind me that, “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.”
      It appears that you were/are angry with yourself for “allowing” that relationship into your life...and i think that’s a reasonable reaction/feeling.  Time has passed and you have moved on...trust isn’t about the other person, it’s about ourselves.  Some people see things in their lives and they choose to ignore it or give it less value than it deserves.  Others see things and give it way more value than it deserves.  Finding the balance that keeps us sharp and fair is a product of emotional/mental health.  When you‘re badly burned by someone you trust, it is our own work to do to feel confident enough to put ourselves out there again.

      Just my humble opinion...   :c)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 15, 2008
    • **Daphne...You're so right I am really mad at myself..I just cannot believe that I was sucked in like that..And then when I think of all the lies I heard for 6months prior to the confession..It just shake with anger..How could I have allowed this person to get that deep in my head..I can't forget it..I have always had a hard time with forgetting...and an even harder time forgiving..I know I am the only one suffering over my hate..I have prayed and asked God to heal me from it and to open my narrow scope of reality so I can learn from this and just say ok it's over and leave it behind me..I have wasted countless hours on this issue..It's like a sick tape being played in a loop over and over in my head...Your Father gave very good advice..I will keep trying and hopefully I will go throw a whole day without giving it another moment of my time...Thanks



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Oct 15, 2008
    • Kat...i hope you don’t mind my commenting further, but....

      Events, trials and tribulations, and obstacles in our lives need to be used to their fullest advantage before we can put them away.  If you believe that you‘re “wasting countless hours“, try looking at it from a different angle.  Have you ever tried to put yourself in the place of the person who hurt you so badly and look at the situation through his eyes?  Choose another angle rather than dwelling upon how you were done so wrong.  I think you’ve made peace with that fact, now you need to make peace with the idea that you‘re human...you made a mistake, you will make more mistakes.  Whether you believe that your inner voice is sharper today than it was before this man hurt you so badly, at some point you HAVE to trust yourself and your instincts again.  If it goes woefully wrong, you WILL survive...you did then, you will again.  If you live your life in fear, you limit your life experience.  You look back and see that you allowed things to slide, but consider the fact that you DID get what you needed to truly GET what was going on.  You DID figure it out...you DID act on your findings and needs.  Remember, you‘re looking at the situation through clearer eyes now that you‘re not so physically and emotionally invested.  You will naturally be more objective when you are out of the situation...and most especially when you have moved on and find yourself in a healthy, honest, trusting relationship.

      The idea that you love someone enough that they can hurt you so deeply speaks volumes about you.  Not everyone can love like that...be thankful you can/do.

      Sometimes we don’t get the answers we hope for in life, and sometimes we have to find our own answers...but we do get answers.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Gina Venturini wrote Oct 15, 2008
    • Kat,

      I feel that holding grudges against those who have wronged us is only hurting ourselves because most of the time these types of people walk through life not realizing what they are doing and continue to hurt others.  

      You have to forgive yourself first and then you can forgive the other party that was involved in order to move forward and find inner peace.  

      I feel God brings people into our lives(good or bad) who fit a purpose for that specific time and some relationships we  will keep throughout our lifetime and some become merely aquaintances.  

      Take the lessons you have learned from each and everyone of your past relationships and put them into your little book called Life. You’ll have to refer back to them from time to time.

      Let the Healing begin:)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 15, 2008
    • **I think I figured it out..I could not get it to post..LOL



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 15, 2008
    • **Daphne Your like a breath of fresh air...All you have said is true..I know I will make more mistakes and most of them will never reach that level of hurt..I have given what you said and I feel better..I will starting today look at this from a different perspective..You are right about me forgiving myself and realizing I am human..And yes there are people out there that are very slick..And can make up some incredible stories..And some will go to great lengths to make their lie seem true...You are a real friend..And I am glad I have had the pleasure of getting to know you...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 15, 2008
    • Gina..Yes it is true..The ones who do the hurting don’t care and I believe some of them see no fault in the games they play..I made a promise to myself after I read the posts here I am gonna let go of the hurt and anger I feel..I do so need inner peace..I don’t do Drama well so I try to avoid it..again Thanks



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Almostfive0 wrote Oct 15, 2008
    • Kat—-know that this person came into your life for a reason just as the other women have stated. Sometimes we are so entrenched in our emotions that we fell to see the lessons in the turmoil.
      Sometimes the lesson is seen and learned quickly then some lessons don’t show themselves for years. Then it’s like a light has been turned on and your like,..“Wow!That’s what that was about?”
      It’s when you find yourself meeting the same people or facing the same challenges over and over again that you have not learned the lesson. It’s then that you have to have an honest conversation with yourself..., “Hey,maybe I need to try another way or go down another path!
      At any rate you seem to be learning your lesson.
      Just thank him for helping you to grow and continue moving forward.
      Peace.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Oct 15, 2008
    • ****Almostfive0..You know I was thinking that this afternoon..I have learned from it now I need to grow from it..I will not be as easy of a target next time..and I swear I will not let it cheat me or steal away my need and desire to be deeply in love..I have a wonderful man his name is Jerry..I have never been so happy in my life..The path I took was a hard one..only because I am hard on myself..But I am moving forward and no looking back...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shari Tenner wrote Oct 16, 2008
    • Hey Kat,

      Well at least you were able to get him to admit to you all the deceptions and to come clean  My guy is the king of denial and because of such our “marriage has run it’s course“.  For us rather than coming clean and doing some work and getting rid of the offending party, I am going to be set free.  Wow.  Nice.  34 years later...but that’s okay. Five or Six years ago when the first offense was committed I dedicated my life to the relationship and making things all better.  I worked on the laundry list of complaints that I was given ( yes a whole list of complaints) and yet after a vow renewal for our 25 wedding anniversary in front of 50 friends and family-three months later the current squeeze enters the internet picture.  Well needless to say it has been at least a daily torture for me knowing that this relationship was ramping up.  But I came to the decision last nite, that he needs to move out peacefully or I have papers drawn up next week and charge the retainer to his american express charge card.!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shari Tenner wrote Oct 16, 2008
    • Hi Mary,

      I have read your post with interest.  I wonder have you ever had someone that you gave your heart and soul to betray your trust and rock your world?  Those of us who have been burned seem a little jaded (charred sounds too weird) and always have an icon of doubt.  It’s like something you download to your computer, even if you uninstall the program some tiny little piece still remains in the hard drive and mother board of your computer.  Some sense of self doubt or maybe even self preservation defense mechanism will always remain. I posted somewhere on this site about my feeling or lack of feeling on the ‘soul mate” issue, but even those lucky ladies who have found their soul mates after recovering from a terrible relationship tell me that they will never be as carefree and naive as they were before the initial incident. They are deeply in love, having a happy ever after relationship but still are watchful.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Nov 2, 2008
    • Hay Amber...I just read your comment..I take it from your comment you were disillusioned as well..I am so sorry to hear that..It is truly heartbreaking.. It is by far the worst of hurts. A person you love so openly and freely..When you love like that you never ever give it a thought that this person, whom you have trusted with everything and all you are and have..To only find one horrible day that you were Tricked, Lied to..Mislead..And for me it was not the initial confession he gave it was weeks and months later when out of nowhere a memory would come up..Maybe something I saw or a song I heard that reminded me of a moment we had shared when love was the only reason we were together..And I go ridged and feel sick Knowing now that this memory and hundreds like them were only lies...while I carried on like it was real and important..He sat there straight faced and pretending to feel what I was..What A Fool I Was...I still have angry feelings about it..just not as often or sever..Yes I do have a wonderful man now and he is real and my everything..I truly do not know what would happen to me if I had something happen like that again...Madness Maybe..



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