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I have always loved Christmas...the season, the reason and the whole feeling of it.  Over the years, the perspective with which i enjoy Christmas has changed so much.

My memories of Christmas when i was a child are filled with bright lights, laughter and the closeness of family.  I remember my father saying how he didn’t enjoy the holidays as a child.  His reasons were very understandable.  But in spite of his own feelings, he and my mother never failed to provide a wonderful holiday season for my brother and I.  

While my children were small, Christmas was financially trying sometimes but always a joy.  Now that the children are practically young adults, i find myself longing for the days of wide eyes, broad grins and silly anticipation of Santa Claus.  I long for the financially trying times, making every purchase one backed with love, consideration and anticipation of the beautiful smiles and laughter of those who opened the gift; all the while knowing that the credit would be given to this fictional person whose arrival and departure was never seen, yet faithfully anticipated and appreciated.

The Christmas snow began today...we‘re expecting 4“-5” by morning.  Usually, i’m opposed to the snow but as of about mid-December, i welcome it...for a while.  Nothing is prettier at Christmas-time than fresh snow, making the world so sparkly and new-looking.

My shopping is essentially finished, the tree is up and decorated, my house is decorated and i’m baking cookies tomorrow.  I usually don’t bake cookies but we are invited to a holiday brunch on Sunday and part of it is a cookie exchange.  I’m going to have a pile of cookies i can’t throw a rock over once i come home with the 100 or so cookies from the party and add them to the cookies that my clients bring me.

So why am i feeling so blue lately?  Why am i needing to spend time alone?  Why am i emotionally fragile?  Why is my threshold for the kids’ bickering nearly non-existent?  I suspect i know the answer, but i don’t like it.

My father died 5 years ago on December 18th...one week from now.  Five years ago today, i was preparing to fly to Florida.  I was told that Dad’s time was short...very short.  When i’d left him less that three weeks earlier, he was struggling to walk but was hopeful that, with physical therapy and determination, he’d be walking before my next planned visit in early January.  I had talked to my family and clients about my decision to work 3 weeks and fly to Florida for a week every month until Dad and his wife could come home in the Spring.  This was not to be.

So, here i am...prepared for Christmas Day but i certainly am not prepared for this emotional funk.



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Dec 11, 2008
    • I feel you, Daphne. I’ve felt that Christmas has lost some meaning for me after my son died. Then, you turn on the news or open the paper and someone else has lost their job, home, etc. How can I really celebrate?
      I almost feel guilty for having “things“, and I’m by no means wealthy. Heck, I’m lamenting my high property taxes due at months end, but I know we will be okay.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Dec 11, 2008
    • Well, since the other stuff is done, you can concentrate on yourself. xoxoxoxoxo



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Feathermaye wrote Dec 11, 2008
    • Eat too many cookies and drink a bit more spiked eggnog than you should. Right now you need to comfort you!

      It’s not uncommon to feel this way at this time of the year, especially with all you’ve got on your plate.

      Allow yourself to be sad if that’s what you need, but recognize that this should have it’s time and then make way for something else.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Dec 12, 2008
    • Hey Daph..

      i go through it too my friend. and you know, i KNOW it is not how daddy would want me to be.. its just so hard without him.. some years it is easier than others..

      you HAVE to give yourself the time for you.. its essential..allow yourself to feel sad, to cry, and to do whatever it takes to get you back on track..

      its not easy, but it can be done..we are all here to love on ya if you need!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lisa Middlesworth wrote Dec 12, 2008
    • Daphne, these funk times normally end with some kind of enlightenment.
      I hope this comes very soon so you can enjoy the memories that you cherish so much this time of the year.
      This time will always be a reminder of how much you miss your Father. There will never be anything you can do to change that. Feel it, do what you need to do for you .
      I lost my Father unexpectedly in 1991 and my Grandmother 2 weeks later.
      My kids are older, like you, I miss those sparkling little eyes with full of wonder and anticipation.

      It’s kind of bitter sweet in a way.
      I hope with all my heart that you are feeling much better soon.  

      I bet your decorations are just beautifulestatic



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Dec 12, 2008
    • Thanks for your kind words, ladies.  I’m feeling better this snowy morning.  While i slept, Mother Nature was at work creating a day off for my children and I.  I’m thankful for that.  I needed this day.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Feathermaye wrote Dec 12, 2008
    • Hey, I know where you can get some great movie recommendations for a snowy day at home! ;)

      Glad you're feeling better. And that is a beautiful sight... as long as I don't have to get out in it, lol.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lisa Middlesworth wrote Dec 12, 2008
    • Wow Daphne, the snow is beautiful. Almost like a clean slate to start your brand new day out.
      Lisa



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