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I have spent the last 13 years of my life hearing from various people that I’m “not for everyone.” I understand that not everybody thinks “ooh, shiny!” when seeing a spiked bracelet. I understand that not everybody appreciates a good meth joke or a blog about the terrors of Green Hills. However, I think where “various people” and I differ are percentages. They think 70% of America would hate me, but I think it’s more like 17%.  

I joined because I thought it might be a good way to market the company I work for (, plug plug), but I also started cross-posting my blogs there. I never miss an opportunity to post a blog, you know. I braced myself for a tidal wave of soccer mom hate, but forgot a couple things:

1. The internet isn’t short on trolls, but most normal people will just ignore you if they disagree with you. It’s easier and less time-consuming.  

2. It was stupid and naive of me to assume that, just because someone turns 40 and has a couple kids, they automatically stop having pet peeves, goals and bouts of cynicism. Such an assumption is similar to people in L.A. thinking that no one in the south wears shoes, or that we‘re all going to freak out if they make a movie about gay people in love.  

People think that women become grayed-out versions of themselves once they crank out a couple kids and sprout some gray hair. I don’t dispute that having a toddler gives a woman a certain sense of zen; it takes a lot to piss off someone who has been thrown up on repeatedly. However, I now have friends who have kids, and having kids hasn’t turned them into mindless van-driving mombots. My own mom may look like a stereotypical middle-aged, middle-class white lady, and in a lot of ways she is. She has a billion purses, gets manicures and has a fetish for clean kitchen counters. Hell, she even drives a BMW. She thinks “a nice pair of flats” goes with everything. She owns at least one Christmas-themed vest and, yes, she wears it with a turtleneck.  

Is she easily offended? Is she freaked out by my clothes? Does she burst into flames at the mere mention of the f-bomb?

No. My 60 year-old, BMW-driving, purse-loving mom watches Fox News solely for comedic value, buys me Halloween fabric on clearance, and thought Tropic Thunder was funny.

I may mellow with age, but I’m only 8 years away from 40. Do you really think I’m not still going to be cantankerous eight years from now? Me neither.  

I made the mistake of assuming that women over forty wouldn’t “get” me. My bad, y‘all. The women at are pretty much just like the younger people on MySpace and Facebook, but older. There are probably some people who are offended by me, but there are more who are just as ornery as I am. Check back when I’m 40. I’ll probably tell you this:

How dare you make me a caricature just because of my age. You will not put me in some quiet little box, shove me to the side, and pretend I don’t exist. Don’t assume that I can’t handle the truth. Don’t assume a damn thing.  

PS: My mom also loves David Sedaris, who should watch his back. When he dies, I’m coming after his book deal with guns blazing.


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