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Yes I know...it’s been some time since I last blogged...but I made it...finally. There have been some stuff going on in my life...and some new changes about to happen.

I think I am finally settled in...I have unpacked the majority of my things and it is starting to look half-ass decent around here.  My room is a disaster though...I have boxes of my personal belongings sitting there unpacked...I have no where to put them...I need to buy myself a dresser and some shelves...But that will come in time.

My life as usual is chaotic...I don’t know why it gets like that...it is a way of life for me I guess...I have been really tired...exhausted is probably a better word...my physical, emotional, spiritual sides are all burnt out...and my stress level is very high...I have made some decisions about my future that might not go well with some people....but right now I need to concentrate on me...I spend too much time worrying and caring for everyone else and I think it has finally hit the point where enough is enough...

As of April 1st Steven will be going to live with my mother...I can’t do it anymore and I need a break...To be honest it was his idea and I just kind of went from there...My mother is happy and willing to do it...the extra money will help her and also she is close to Steven and right now she says this is what she needs...He is 10 yrs old (today is his birthday) and it’s not like he is a baby and needs to be tended to all the time...I admit he is very demanding at times....not with her though...I wonder why...it’s like I can never have 2 minutes for myself...he has been clingy lately and I am starting to feel smothered...This may sound harsh, bad or mean...but I have to something about it right now before I lose it...doesn’t make me sound like a good person but that is how I have been feeling lately...I am quick to anger and feeling anxious and sad all the time...I put on a happy face for appearances but deep down inside I feel awful.

I also found out that his mother is expecting again...I am happy about it...who wouldn’t be...but I am wondering if she can handle it...she wants Steven back but not sure if she can handle the two...especially with Steven’s ADHD and ODD...Besides, Steven does not want to go and live with her...He is still angry at her and I don’t want to put him in a place where it might set him back further. I know she is going to be upset about that...but technically I have full legal custody and there is not much she can do about it...we shall see what happens in the future...but for now he will stay in Thunder Bay.

My health comes and goes...I have been having a heck of a time with my legs...especially my ankles...they sometimes don’t want to work and it is frustrating...I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I am going to see if she can refer me to someone to check this out...I still don’t understand why at my age I am having so much problems with my legs and feet.  Everyone says it’s my weight...yes I do believe that has some to do with it...but I see plenty of over-weight women walking and they don’t seem to have the problems I seem to have....It really gets bad at times...to the point where I can’t walk at all and have to stay put on the couch or use a walker.

While Steven is gone...I will have plenty of opportunity and time to start working on myself...I am planning on going back to counseling...take care of my medical needs and be more social...maybe join a group or club or something...

Guess we shall see what happens...




Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Mar 1, 2010
    • Karyn

      I think you do get to a point where you have to look out for you and you alone – as you sound exhausted on all fronts and trying to cope with a row of spinning plates, not letting one drop.
      I know it must be hard about Steven but I'm sure he will thrive at your mothers and it will settle down.
      So take some down time honey and get you in order – trust me the others can look after themselves xxx



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Mar 1, 2010
    • Yes Karyn it is time for you to rest and put some focus on your health. Once that is done you will be better able to “be all” for everyone else.
      You certainly deserve to have your health so I am pulling for you!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Karyn Olson wrote Mar 1, 2010
    • Thanks vicki and vikki...lol  And it is the right time...probably should have been sooner but it is hard for me to let go...I didn’t want Steven to think I didn’t care...but he is a pretty understanding boy and he understands how I have been feeling...At least at my mom’s he will get the attention he needs and deserves...not that I don’t give that to him...but lately there sure has been a lack of it....and that is not good...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Hbrose wrote Mar 1, 2010
    • Karyn, it’s good your taking time out to take care of you now. The rest will work itself out, one way or another. I’ve kind of learned that myself recently. So cheers to you!



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