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Question: My ex and I broke up several months ago after five years. Right after the break-up (which was pretty much mutual) I became desperate and needy, begging for him back, which obviously only pushed him away. Now that we've gone almost two months with no contact, we've started texting a very little bit here and there. I'm looking to get back together with him, but how can I take it to the next step (i.e. past texting and maybe out for a drink)? ...Frannie

Answer: Being naturally (and sometimes annoyingly) inquisitive, I am curious why you so quickly had a change of heart, if you were, in fact, in favor of this break-up? I can think of a few reasons for this: 1) You didn't really want to break up, but preferred the idea of "mutual separation" to being dumped (and who could blame you for that); 2) You didn't really realize what you had till it was gone (cliche, but nonetheless a common occurrence); 3) There was someone else you were interested in, but that didn't pan out; 4) You were so used to being in a relationship, that suddenly being without one, caused massive anxiety and acute loneliness; 5) You have "seller's remorse" and feel like you've made a horrible mistake, letting your soul mate slip through your fingers, and now you're destined for a lifetime of loneliness, microwave dinners-for-one, and long weekends reading romance novels, surrounded by a houseful of furry, feline friends (devastatingly dramatic, but highly unlikely).  Whatever the reason, though, you now find yourself pining after your lost love, desperate to find some way to get back in his good graces so he'll re-up for another romantic "tour of duty."

Forgetting about why you broke up with him, why did he break up with you?  Whatever the reason, this is the first item that needs to be addressed before you two can be rejoined.  Why was he unhappy with the relationship?  Is there something you can do or not do that will remove this impediment?  And are you willing to do whatever has to be done to make that happen?  Please understand that I am not saying that you should change for him.  I am merely stating that if you want to accomplish your goal of getting him back, you may have to do whatever is necessary to make right whatever he considered was wrong.  It is only after making this assessment and initiating whatever changes are indicated, that you should move into step two: Escalating the frequency of contact.

While absence may make the heart grow fonder, unwanted presence can have the opposite effect.  Rather than diving back into his life, you need to wade in slowly.  Ever-so-slightly increase the number of texts with him, always keeping things light and undemanding.  Whatever you do, don't be needy.  This is your opportunity to reacquaint him with how cool, fun, and interesting you are, thus reminding him why he fell for you in the first place.  After a few weeks of this (remember, slow progress is what you're going for here), invite him out for lunch - your treat. Why lunch? Because this unassuming midday meal isn't usually considered a "date" date and he will be less likely to turn you down. And why should you pay? Because it's hard for anyone to resist a free lunch, especially with a delightful, appealing companion. Once you have him face-to-face, be as upbeat as possible. Show genuine interest in what is going on in his life and keep the conversation light and breezy. At no point mention wanting to get back together. This is very important. If he brings it up, fine. But under no circumstance should you bring up that topic. At the end of your lunch, tell him how much you enjoyed yourself, give him a kiss on the cheek, and then say good-bye. Resist the urge to say anything like, "let's do it again sometime." If he suggests that, great, but otherwise, bid him adieu and get the hell out of there.  

What you are doing is giving him the opportunity to pursue you - which is what you want, because obviously pursuing him will probably only push him further away.  Wait a few days before texting him again, unless he texts you first (which, we hope he will do).  When you do finally text him, be friendly and upbeat, but don't make any plans with him unless it's at his suggestion.  After a few more texts (over the course of days), you can tell him you have tickets to a particular event and ask if he'd have any interest in accompanying you?  This is what you have been building to - the chance to go on a real date, where you can truly show off how great a companion you are and how he'd be a fool not to welcome you back into his heart with open arms.  If he accepts your invitation, there is a high degree of likelihood that you are making progress in your quest for his love.  If, however, he does not accept your invitation, you must accept it with grace and good humor, then decide whether or not you want to continue this romantic pursuit.

There is one thing I would like to suggest at this point.  I believe that it is important that you ask yourself a very tough question before you begin this journey back into his heart: Is it really him that you long for, or do you just miss the love, physical closeness, comfort and security of a relationship.  While that may seem like a harsh question, it is one you should definitely give fair consideration.  If you determine that you truly miss your ex, and not just all that he represents, then follow the instructions I've given you and go after that which you desire.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's [Link Removed] 

(C) 2010 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.


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