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This is likely one of the only subjects that can give me a case of writer’s block and is not particularly easy to share. It’s heavy on my mind lately, and honestly, I am sick of it. I don’t know where to begin with this topic & it really isn’t something I speak of often or to many. It generally only comes up between myself & people who know my whole story because they’ve been there & have known me for many years. The other reasons I don’t generate conversations about this topic often is because I don’t wish to appear negative or as though I’m playing victim, etc. I also have no desire to hear anyone tell me things I realized decades ago regarding anger, bitterness, what it can do to me, etc. I’m well aware of all of that & have done alot of work around it.
I’ll attempt to describe my Mom~
She is a woman who adopted two kids (me and my brother)40 yrs ago. She was raised by fabulous people and has never gone without anything once in her life and other than dealing with some illness, she has NO idea NO CLUE what stress IS. On top of that, she is beyond LOADED. Her & my Dad spend all of their time either adding to their elite property in Door County or taking month long vacations GOD FORBID anyone disturb her. I'd say by the time I reached the age of about 14 if not earlier & I just didn't realize it yet, she changed her mind about wanting to be a parent altogether. She is a very resentful womanI do not begin to know whatever forit makes no logical sense anywhere. When I think of this, I am beyong thankful for my FABULOUS Grandparents as well as the Aunt I spoke of yesterday. Who even KNOWS what would have become of me if it weren't for them?
My mentors in life have been my Grandparents, music teachers who were also friends and still are, friends and a few other very close friends who I consider family. Thank God for them.
The story of me, my mom, the family life is long & would take pages~ some of it’s pretty heavy, some, not so much.
This is hard to say, and to some of you may sound ridiculous, as at times, to me it even does. Here’s the deal~ I’m going through ALOT right now & most women would turn to their Mothers. I can’t do that because at the end of the day, I really don’t have one. Is it fair? NOT REALLY. I didn’t ask for this. And I guess for the first time ever, I’ll just come out & say, I feel like I got ripped off in a way. And no, I’m not walking around as though I think the world owes me something. It doesn’t. But every now & then, like, now, this has the ability to make me feel like hell. I’ve attempted to talk to her. I’ve written letters & emails. She’s either cold & bitter or there is no response at all. This is an abandonment issue. Who the hell can’t turn to their own Mom? THAT is what’s ridiculous. Not the way I feel about something that I didn’t ask for.
I can tell you this~ I make damn sure my kids can come to me with anything 24/7 and they know it.
Thank you for listening...
Have a good day~



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mz. Queen wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • “Who the hell can't turn to their own Mom“?

      Hang in there Jenz41!
      You are loved and lovable. My sister-in-law has some issues similar and she gives her mother(birth mother)minimal opportunities to push her buttons.

      [Link Removed]


      47ntiredorunnin, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Same here.
      Actually though, I’d appreciate 5 minutes of face to face time with my Mom. I’ve earned it.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • So sorry to hear this Jen. As you know, you are not to blame, but that doesn’t take the pain away. We will all pray that she will come to realize the error of her ways.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lisa Middlesworth wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Jenz, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this at this point in your life.
      I have also had major issues with my Mother. As a child, she was never there, never. She put a wall up and you dare not try to go around it.
      Like you have said it’s a long story.
      The one thing I can say to you, is that you are a better Mother for it. It’s great that you recognize that you don’t want your children to feel the same pain and hurt you have had.
      I finally sought help for my issues, as I’m sure you have. Some days I deal with it fine, but then there are those days when I still get very angry at her.
      If you need a friend, I am availableestatic



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Jenz.... I can’t say that I know what you are going thru because I don’t. However I can feel your pain and that hurts me. I wish I had the ‘right’ words to make you feel better but I don’t. But I am here for you.....



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Jenz...Unfortunately we don’t get to pick who our parents are or I’m sure people would make other choices (smile). Hearing stories like yours make me thankful for the mother I have today. My mum and I were not really close when I was growing up, she was closer to my older sis. Mum and I became close when I got pregnant with my oldest daughter and I basically stood up for myself when others told me to terminate because I was not married and I was still young. Now we are close and I’m so very thankful that yes I can go to her whenever I need her and she can do the same with me. My sister and her, well that’s another story. They are not close and I blame my sis for that. Family dynamics are something else and they can ruin a great family life.

      I pray that you find peace with your mom and that she comes to realize that families come in many forms. I know there is so much more to your story, but from what you have already said, it seems like you have learned some valuable lessons from this woman, the main one being that you don’t want to be the type of mum she was/is, that in itself shows that you have benefitted from your relationship with her, in a positive way!!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marie Hempsey wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Jenz...
      Hang in there. I am really sorry you are going through this. I am here if you need to talk...
      Friends,
      Ree



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Thank you for providing me with a ‘safe’ place to bring this. And all of the wise, kind words. They and you are very appreciated.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Peejay64 wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Hi Jen,

      As I read this, it rang a lot of familiar bells.  I won’t go into a long dissertation about dysfunctional mothers and what they do to their offspring, especially their daughters..

      My sweetheart sister-in-law, who happens to live in Racine, has suffered at the hands of an adoptive mother for her entire life.  Maybe her adoptive mother and yours went to the same parenting class!  frown

      My own mother, was not meant to be a mother.  (She even admitted it)  And she had 8 kids!  She was raised by a foster family in “the old country” and never had a nurturing experience, and in turn, did not know how to nurture.  This left a lot of “issues” throughout our family over the years and these issues are still evident, even 6 years after her death.  

      Okay, I’m rambling...my point is:  Your mom obviously has something missing in her own moral, mental, physical and/or spiritual fabric and is unable and possibly unwilling to see her shortcomings.  

      The challenge is dealing with her and not letting it affect your other relationships.  Which, I believe, you are already working hard to preserve or improve.  I would encourage you to deeply love those who deeply love you!  Maybe your relationship with her needs to change...accept it and maybe put it on the “back burner“.  Focus on the love and encouragement you give & get from those who truly know, love, and support you.

      You are a strong, beautiful, wise, and intelligent woman.  Those around you know and appreciate all of your talents and gifts.  You are a blessing and we are all thankful for you.  

      Blessings,
      Patti



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Scorpion13 wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Hi Jenz,

      How terrible that your mom chooses to not be a mom. You can be angry! I don’t have the kind of mom I could turn to for support either, and it’s been a hole in my life. I’ve been turning to girlfriends for support for years, and that’s been so much more satisfying than my mom could ever be. Still, I wanted a mother that I could call up and get her wise opinion as I moved through the rough times. I feel for you.

      Nancy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Karin Vibe-Rheymer-Stewart, Ph.D. wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Hi Jen,

      Reading your post made tears come up... I can relate to an extent, because my mother, as much as she tries, simply can’t handle a lot of things, so our communication is very limited.  

      I’ve reached peace with it, though, through personal work, and also understanding where she comes from and what happened in her life to make her the way she is. Could she have worked on herself and changed things and so hurt me much less terribly than she did? Absolutely. But I’ve come to the fact that she is who she is, and she did the best she could with what she had - which was most definitely inadequate, no question about that!  

      Now I’m learning to mother myself. After looking for many answers outside of me, I’ve come to realize that it’s the only way I’ll ever be whole, since she can’t make me whole.  

      Maybe you can do the same thing... You are a strong, amazing woman to have survived this ordeal (my sister didn’t survive ours - at all), with all your wits, mind, and heart intact. Take care of yourself, mother yourself the way you mother your children, you deserve it!  

      With love,
      Karin



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lisa Middlesworth wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Jenz, if you can imagine what a great big bear hug feels like. I am sending you one. If I could be there with you, I would give it to you in person.
      You are a wonderful and beautiful person to have shared this with us. It’s not easy to talk about some things. But, remember, you have to get it out of your head for it to make any sense.
      Are you and your brother close?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • i am so sorry Jenz..You are an AMAIZING woman, and i am blessed to have your friendship! i am here if you need anything!

      Keep up the great work! thank goodness for your grandparents and your Aunt!

      love to you!
      Linni



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Good evening ladies.
      Thank you very much for your responses, every word actually. It really does mean something to me. I always wondered what it would be like to have sisters.
      Now I think I know.

      happy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Leadinladytracy wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Jenz - hang in there and keep praying.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • That is so cool~ everyone come over! lolestatic



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • jenz...is it warmer where you are than Maryland is right now?...If so, how long can I stay???...lol



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Jenz,

      I’m sorry that you don’t have the relationship with your mother that you so desire.  You seem to understand your mother’s limitations and that’s important.  In life, there is so much that affects us directly yet is out of our hands.  The Serenity Prayer comes to mind...

       God grant me the serenity
      to accept the things I cannot change;
      courage to change the things I can;
      and wisdom to know the difference.  

      Consider the possibility that you are a better mother because you know first hand what it feels like to need someone more than they are willing/able to fulfill.  I believe that, in the end, your way will prevail!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Dec 18, 2008
    • Thank you. :)



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