Sunday, May 30, 2010
Ironic, parents used to threaten children that they would find a lump of coal in thier stocking at Christmas if they misbehaved-perhaps if kids had known that the coal can become a diamond with the right elements, they would have misbehaved worse! The phrase “a diamond in the rough” would probably be fitting for who I am at the moment. It is hard to believe that at 42 I don’t know who I am yet-but, I don’t. I have always been someones wife, someones significant other-I have never been single and on my own-until now. I know what I USED to like to do before life became complicated and confusing, but it is hard to bring it back starting at the point where I had left off rather than having to begin all over again. Now, not only do I have to try to do that, but I have to find the real me under the layers of the person I have been to so many others. I’m not the significant other or wife of anyone at this time-so, I have a hard time with what to do with myself. I enjoyed the domesticity of housewife duties, while not necessarily being good at or enjoying being married. I enjoyed spoiling the man in my life and taking care of the man in my life-until it got to the point where I realized it was pretty much one sided. This is not to say anything bad against the man-he is a wonderful man-as a friend. As a friend, I am released of the weight of trying to get him to care enough about HIMself and becoming the nag and bitch that I DON‘T want to be. As a friend, his life is his OWN-and my life is MY own. So, now, I am faced with having to do for myself what I did for him all these years-will I do any better with myself than I did with him? only time will tell. There are parts of me that shine through (the diamond struggling to break free) while going through the trials of life that will change who I am. I am the coal that wants to be the diamond-preferably before I die.
It is easy for others to point out the diamond sides in me and make me feel better-but in the long run, I have to accept those diamond shines and work harder on breaking the coal peices away, allowing the diamond to shine brighter. And we all know diamonds take many years to BECOME diamonds-again, I am NOT the most patient person. :)