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Now that the ground rules have been stated and expressed clearly to my step-daughter, I’m dealing with attitude. Mind you, she’s always had attitude but now it’s worse ten fold. We are down to one syllable responses and very little time spent outside of her bedroom when she’s home.  

Do I have to live with this for the next six months or do we insist that she get snap out of it?



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Darla5 wrote Nov 10, 2008
    • As Will Smith said the other day on Oprah this is my house that I let you borrow a room in... You need to clean up the room I let you borrow. This is what I would say about the room.

      On the  disrespect to you... I say this to my kids when they are fighting or creating havoc. My home is my refuge from the world outside. I deal with enought stress outside this zone that I refuse to deal with it in my safety zone.    Respect is...  

        

          

      Respect is...  

      Respect is...listening with out interrupting  

      Respect is...taking the other’s  feelings into consideration  

      Respect is...keeping an open mind  

      Respect is...agreeing to disagree  

      Respect is...trying to understand the other’s viewpoint  

      Respect is...loving yourself  

      Respect is...trust and honesty  

      Respect is...giving each other space  

      Respect is...nonviolence  

      Respect is...direct communication  

      Respect is...building a person up instead of tearing them down  

      Respect is...friendship  

      Respect is...not pressuring the other person  

      Words that we found on the web....



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      AnneMarie Kimberling wrote Nov 10, 2008
    • You can’t change her attitude... but you can change YOUR’s....  Be the adult - be the mature one...  speak her her in complete sentences - even if it’s through gritted teeth...  Be a role model...  Remember the saying “kill ‘em with kindness” - well, at least smother her with maturity...  And secretly have a count-down calendar tucked away...  It will give you GREAT PLEASURE to mark another off each night....



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Nov 10, 2008
    • Vi...i wouldn’t press my luck.  Accept the fact that she is what she is and go about your life.  You‘re not going to force her to be nice.  Ignore her...she’ll come around or she won’t.  Either way, i wouldn’t make it more than it’s worth.
      Go about your daily business without regard to what she’s doing.  I’m willing to guess that she will grow weary of being nasty and come around.  If you just let it go, when she comes around you won’t have all the resentment built up that will make it difficult for you to be receptive when she decides she’d like to try to be nice.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Darla5 wrote Nov 10, 2008
    • Girl, I forgot to say you are entitled to respect. You are putting a roof over her head. Shelter in a storm. Food in her stomach. This is why I said all  of the post about respect. I thought I would spell it out for her so she knows what it means. You and your husband deserve respect.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 10, 2008
    • vi..I kinda expected this reaction from her, so I’m not at all surprized. In saying that however, yes she still needs to respect you and your home, rules and all..You need to tell her that when you ask her a question, you expect her to answer RESPECTFULLY and IN COMPLETE SENTENCES, she is not in Kindergarten and if she wants respect it is a two way street, if she doesn’t want to be treated like a child then she needs to grow up and assume the responsibility of an adult...then leave her alone to stew in what you have said..Under no circumstances should she be allowed to make you uncomfortable and get away with it...CALL HER ON IT...

      I do agree with what the other ladies said...but you have to have the respect due you...

      Just my opinion...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Robinesque wrote Nov 10, 2008
    • How old IS Miss Thing?!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 10, 2008
    • Miss Thang is 23.

      Thanks for all of the responses. I agree with Annie that they all make some sense. I’ll keep you posted!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 10, 2008
    • I concur with all above.. she is pushing YOUR BUTTONS and just maybe with this toilet paper experiment you have been pushing hers too.

      Have Dad set the ground rules and you get off the board.. if your off the board you cant be played. or play the game.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Wow, all good suggestions. I love bfly’s, though. If you are familiar with the movie ‘Office Space” you could have the conversation in a tone like Lundberg’s-“Uh, yeeeeeah, uh, this just doesn’t seem to be working, and, uh, it’d probably be best if you just moved on ok? Yeah thanks....”



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Almostfive0 wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • When I first started reading the comments I didn't know how old your step daughter was... I thought maybe a teenager.
      But 23!!! She is a grown woman!
      You should be able to talk to her woman to woman. This is your house!...not hers.
      I don’t know the whole story and I want to give her the benefit of doubt just as I am with you.
      She sounds like she is really going through some changes and all of them may not even involve you. You may just be an easy and close target. Remember the drama of your twenties..lol?
      Have you had a real conversation with her? Do you know what’s really bothering her or are you assuming it is you?
      At any rate, I would try to have a serious conversation with her if after that she is still trippin I’m with Bfly
      she needs to get to steppin.
      Your home is your sanctuary. You shouldn’t be made to feel like you have to strap on the armor every time you open the front door.
      Good luck Vigirl.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Her dad wanted to set a deadline of 12/31. I got him to change his mind to June 1st and it was my original idea to have her move in with us.

      My mom used to tell me ALOT when I was younger that she loves me but right now she didn’t like me. I pushed her buttons like there was no tomorrow. That’s how I feel now. I love my step-daughter but right now I don’t like her.

      My husband came up with a list of chores for her to do regularly - she asked him to write them down for her. She doesn’t do them and he doesn’t follow through with her. That’s my biggest frustration. I’ve let him be the one to make all the rules and have watched him not have the balls to follow through. What’s the point in giving her guidelines but not caring if she follows along with the program.

      I’ve been sitting back because “he’s her dad“. I think now I need to step up and start letting them both know what needs to be up.

      Cindylou-your comment made me LOL. I can picture that scenario now.

      Bottom line, I feel she is disrepecting her dad by not doing what he’s asked of her. On the other hand, he’s never followed through with her even when she was younger so who can blame her for not taking him seriously!

      Him setting a deadline for her to get her act together made her take a little notice.

      This is my home and everyday is tense. I need to call a family meeting where I’m running the show.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Heck-I don’t even want to stay here right now.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Feathermaye wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • vigirl, I have to wonder if the entire situation wasn’t made worse by encouraging your husband to put his foot down, and then undermining him by making it your decision in the end.

      He made a rule of a December time line, and then you changed it, actually giving her longer. I don’t know how that made your husband feel, or how it made him look in his daughter’s eyes, but I can’t imagine either one is a great place to be in.

      I agree with the questions above, asking what DO you want from her. She’s doing the chores, right? And she’s got an attitude like a teenager. With all due respect, it sounds a little like she’s being treated as one.

      You might need to look inside and see what it is you really want out of this. Until you‘re clear on the goals, no one is going to be able to do right by you.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Originally, I approached my husband about setting a time line in which his daughter needed to move out and on with her life. I came up with 6/1. To my surprise, he told me that he had already thought of setting a time line and his was 12/31. I thought to myself - COOL!!  

      My husband made the 12/31 decision early October. It took him 1.5 months to inform his daughter of his decision. I didn’t feel that was enough time for her to get herself together. It would have been fine if he told her about it in early October.  

      In fairness to her, I talked to my husband again about the 6/1 date. He realized that he had procrastinated too long in telling her and felt better about giving her more time.  

      Here is what I want from her. I want her to be a responsible adult (she is 23). This includes cleaning up after herself in the kitchen, keeping her room and bathroom clean and if she notices anything that needs to be done around the house - go ahead and do it. What I don’t want is a full time guest at hotel Rowe.

      No, she’s not doing her chores and the other things we’ve asked of her. She is constantly making messes in the kitchen that she doesn’t clean up. We are always on her case about keeping the kitchen clean. I do not want splat all over my stove top. Hounding her like that is definitely treating her like a teenager. If she’s going to act like one - she will be treated like one, period.  

      As far as her attitude, it developed when we told her that she needs to shape up or ship out.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • P.S. The irony is that it was my idea to have her move in with us!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Vigirl..I still think a family meeting is in order (I think I saw you said you were gonna call for one) That way everyone gets to say their piece, calmly and as rationally as you all can. Set the rules for the meeting (We do this in our home every other Sunday after Church). And see what you get from that. You all may have to come back to the table several times to iron things out or re-enforce some things, and that’s cool too..

      I remember when I was growing up. I had a step-sister and a step-brother and we all lived together. House rule was that we could not use the word ‘step’ because my parents said that built walls. My step-dad was dad, plain and simple and we learned to respect him as that, without the step title. Now that I have step-sons, the same rule applies in our household. The children can’t refer to each other as ‘step’ and they can’t refer to us as such. I find this to work for us, for whatever reason...maybe it does build up walls to label, I don’t know..Just my thoughts...Hope this makes sense to someone..lol



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Thanks Soulful. I think that is a good idea. I’ll ask her if she’ll allow me to call her my daughter. When I married her dad, I told them they could call me mom if they wanted to and they didn’t want to. They were 10 and 12 then.

      Today I had a talk with her - just me and her. I think we definitely made some head way.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • hi vigirl.. lots of great suggestions here for you! i hope your talk today with her started the lines of communication opening for you both! keep us posted!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Virgil, everyone has given some great advise, now if none of that works, next step would be to *"whup that ass"*  ....LOL...

      Seriously, at 23, responsibility should be second nature.  You did good by taking the first step in talking, and continue to talk.  As Almostfive0 says, she might have some underlying issues that she is trying to deal with and most times our anger is taken out on the ones closest and dearest to us.

      I pray that she will soon get over that attitude and realize that all that energy channelled into her negative attitude can be redirected to a more productive area, that both you and her can benefit from.

      Good Luck
      Jacquie



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • vigirl..please let me know how things go..like i said i’m totally on board with the whole step thing..lived it then..living it now..email me and let me know how the meeting goes and if you need some pointers..i’ll be happy to help..like i said we do this every other sunday..even with my 20 yr old who we have issues with too..not as bad as yours..but issues nonetheless..lol

      we‘re due this sunday for our meeting, but our kids are performing at another church so we have to postpone it until next week..and i had a praise report to mention..my son got honor roll and i wanted to commend him for it during our meeting..shucks..lol



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 13, 2008
    • Things have been going well since I had my talk with her. I gave her my advice and she actually listened!! She’s being more social and actually responds when I talk to her. She seems happier. The house is a bit more harmonious. Thank goodness as this is my sanctuary!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Nov 13, 2008
    • I hope it keeps going well!! knocking wood for you!! lol
      hugzzz



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