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heartbreakWhat I need is some advice from you ladies. I met a man on a dating site about 3 months ago. Things seemed to go well and have defintely become more serious. This man is very attentive, generous, caring and affectionate, really the whole package. We have a trip booked to go to Cancun in 2 weeks which of course is very exciting. The trip he booked for us a while back, all expenses paid, how could I say no. Well, the other night while at his place, his cell phone next to me, I noticed an email come through, and it was from a dating site. Of course it alarmed me, so when I got home, I went to that site and sure enough, there was his photo and profile. I am hurt and disappointed, obviously I am not the love of his life, as he proclaims and I am not going to involve myself with someone who does this kind of thing, I cannot trust him. The hard part, the trip. He doesn’t know I know of him on the dating site and I do intend to bring this up, he is out of town on business so to do this in person anytime soon won’t work. As much fun as the trip will be, I will find it hard to be real with him or intimate, it is such a slap in the face. I have arranged child care (sister coming out) the whole bit. I have introduced this man to all my family and friends. This is just awful, any advice will be most welcome.

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Member Comments

    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Tuliplady wrote Jan 29, 2011
    • Is there a simple explanation for this?  Most people who are dating sites are on more than one and probably don’t take the time to delete their memberships when they are dating someone.  Be up front with him about it as soon as possible.  Give him a chance to explain.  Just because he’s still on another dating site does not mean he’s actively pursuing anyone.



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Macy wrote Jan 29, 2011
    • Thanks for the reply, Tuliplady. When we first started dating, he kep his profile up, which I did understand, I did too. As things progressed and became more serous, we discussed removing our profiles from the dating sites and followed through. I checked and he was nowhere on the site, or so I thought. In retrospect, he likely just hid his profile and now brought it out in the open again. Obviously he is still not convinced I am the one and is actively looking. I have to accept that and the trust has been compromised, I have intentions of talking about this with him and see what he has to say, more like, what can he say. The trip to Cancun is booked, reserved, the whole 9 yards, that is the hard part.



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Tammy Wallace wrote Jan 29, 2011
    • I too dated a man that I met on a singles website and I thought we were past that too. If he is active and you will be able to tell by looking at his profile, I would advise you to say something now. A 9 day booked trip or not, it’s worth asking. There is nothing worse than the feeling that you are feeling at this moment. It sucks. But if that’s what he is doing you have to find out now....trust trust trust..it’s a good thing.



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    • +2 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Jan 29, 2011
    • you need to find out now because if you say nothing and go on the trip you’ll either have a miserable time on the trip and spend the whole time thinking about this and also give him a chance to explain .....plus if you go on the trip and really fall for him it’s going to be worse later on if you do find out he has a roving eye



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Macy wrote Jan 29, 2011
    • What I know for sure is the fact he is actively looking on those sites, the dating sites tell you when they were last on, etc. The fact that he hid his profile after I asked him to remove himself, left it hid for a few weeks then goes and places himself back onto the dating sites can only suggest he is looking elsewhere for a partner. What I don’t know is whether to go on that trip or not. I will have a very hard time being intimate with him after all of this, obviously I should have been more cautious right from the get go. The sad part is how I fell for all of his attentions, telling me he loves me, how he speaks of our future together, the wonderful gifts, I feel like such a fool.



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Diane17 wrote Jan 29, 2011
    • I’m with UK Girl on this one.  Have a heart to heart talk with him before the trip.  See what he has to say and then from there, based on the discussion, maybe that will help you decide about the trip.

      Good Luck!!



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Linda L wrote Jan 29, 2011
    • I agree with UK Girl and Diane.  Talking to him about the situation is crucial and you don’t need to go on this trip if you‘re having mixed feelings.  Please don’t think of yourself as a fool, I’m sure some of us have gone thru what you have.  Stay strong and take care.



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Anne E wrote Jan 29, 2011
    • Don’t go on the trip!  As you may be aware, Oprah Winfrey keeps a list of the things she knows for sure. Number 4 on her all-time list is the following “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. (A lesson from Maya Angelou.)”

      And, remember, as Linda said, you are not a fool.  You are kind and trusting and just got bitten by a snake.  You don’t need a snake in your life- keep looking for the right man.  Two people I know, including my older brother, found their spouses on Match.com, so I know there are a lot of good people out there.

      Sorry you had to go through this heartbreak



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Frannie1964 wrote Jan 29, 2011
    • I would have a serious talk with him. If he’s still on those dating sights then you are probably just an option to him until someone else comes along. I’m not trying to be mean or give you negative thoughts but.....Are you sure he is on a business trip and not on a leisure trip with someone else from one of those sights? Just a thought. If you really like this man and you want something more serious then I would have a heart to heart talk with him.hearthappy



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Jan 29, 2011
    • I agree with what has already been said....find out now and deal with it before any trip!



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Macy wrote Jan 29, 2011
    • I sure do appreciate all the advice. SOmehow I feel like his stable back up plan, I may be the person he comes running back to when things don’t go well with the internet dating site. I suspect this man has some serious insecurities and always needs someone in his back pocket so to speak. The hard part is how serious things seem to have happened, he asks often if I want to take it to the next level with him, but I guess that is not what he wants. He would like for me to go to that next level while he plays the field. Given his history, I should not be shocked and after reading the one post where Oprah was quoted, things are coming into perspective. We will definitely chat tomorrow and get this all out in the open, however the damage is done.



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Cathie Beck wrote Jan 30, 2011
    • Macy, it’s (the relationship) not too serious to cancel your plans for the trip. I met a man on  a dating site who told me he was done with it, but he wasn’t so I told him I wasn’t going to be his back up girl. You‘re having doubts for good reason, I’m sorry to say. And he’s a fool,
      not you!  

      Cathie



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Macy wrote Feb 1, 2011
    • Well, I did it, I asked about my boyfriend about his profile on the dating site.  He admitted to it being there, claiming he had cancelled it but had a couple months paid left on the subscription. Told me he receives emails from the site, just matches they send, all part of the business they do.
      Did a little research on my own to discover he really can turn off all that stuff if he really wants to, but he didn't. He also told me his profile was hidden, it wasn't, but I knew that long before I asked him. However after questioning him, that very night he got home and removed his profile from the site. Yet professed his undying love and exclusivity to me and that he had no desire to date others but... the proof was in the pudding. I never called him out on his lie, I knew he would have some excuse for the behavior.
      Simply put, I have a liar on my hands and trip to Cancun hanging in the breeze.



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Pat68 wrote Mar 22, 2011
    • Well Macy, at least your decision (whatever it will be) will be an informed one. At least you have the facts before you. Good luck!



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