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I believe that the feelings we have inside us can be misleading. Sometimes it is the most uncomfortable feeling we have that can be the true answer.  

I met my last boyfriend through an Internet dating site. We had an amazing connection over email and talked for five hours our first time on the phone. I was so nervous when I was driving to meet him that I made a wrong turn and barely found my way out of a confusing cul-de-sac neighborhood. Already late, I ran the entire three blocks to the café from my parking spot. Not an auspicious beginning. I found him on the outdoor terrace and sat down, at what seemed to be the only table completely in the sun. It was ungodly hot. The food was terrible. I don't remember a bit of our conversation; I was sweating and uncomfortable and just wanted to leave. I wasn't attracted to him at all.  

Or was I? I agonized over it for days. A computer scientist with an artistic bent wasn't my usual type, and he clearly hadn't exercised in a while. The more serious boyfriends I had had in LA were all volleyball players or lifeguards. But then, as several of my friends pointed out, those relationships hadn't lasted. Still, I was convinced something was wrong. With other guys I had dated, there was an instant attraction. I decided that I had to stop seeing him; the stress was too much for me.  

I called him to break the news. We chatted first about innocuous things, and I remembered how much I liked talking to him. I kept a running dialogue, afraid to face that once we hung up, I'd never talk to him again. I asked him whether he'd felt any chemistry at our meeting. He agreed it wasn't the best first date, but he was willing to give it another shot. I suggested a platonic friendship. In no uncertain terms, he informed me that he was looking for a relationship, not more friends. He insisted that I make a decision. His firmness of purpose, combined with the fact that he used the word ambivalence  correctly, won me over, at least temporarily. It was a few more weeks before I was able to accept that I was dating him. Once I did, once I relaxed and allowed myself to like him, I found a deeper and more meaningful relationship than I could have ever imagined.  

Just when I was convinced that I had found a lifelong partner and father of my future children, his own uncomfortable feelings started bubbling up. He decided that something must be wrong, and left. I wish I could remind him that his past relationships, in which he hadn't felt so much anxiety, didn't end well. Maybe the discomfort indicates the one that would. Uneasiness signals a chance to grow - that's what I believe.



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Apr 8, 2009
    • I hope he gives it some thought, check his feelings, and at least re opens the lines of communication with you. I know it’s difficult to have things end without some clarity.

      Best to you



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Apr 8, 2009
    • did he explain what his ‘uncomfortable’ feelings were?

      for me, discomfort was always a bad thing...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Apr 8, 2009
    • He may need more time for his own healing.  Meanwhile, concentrate on ‘You‘.  Take care.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Apr 9, 2009
    • For me discomfort just means you are out of your own personal comfort zone and need to decide if you‘re willing to expand your comfort zone.

      I hope he does and I wish you the best!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Apr 9, 2009
    • vikki, good point, i never thought of it that way!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marianne Ruane wrote Apr 9, 2009
    • Thanks everyone! Your support is appreciated. I agree with Vikki - to me expanding one’s comfort zone is growth, and it’s scary. It means rewriting one’s view of the world at times too, which some people are just unwilling to do. He told me that he was ‘miserable every single day.’ He used to be, but he wasn’t really anymore. I saw how happy he was with me and how much he enjoyed his new experiences, but I think finally getting what he had always wanted absolutely terrified him. It would mean that his way of viewing the world was wrong - there were people he could trust, who did love and support him. Maybe he needs to be a victim; I don’t know. At any rate, it’s very sad, and yes, as chocolatier said, it is hard to end things without clarity. I do hope he will eventually talk to me again, at least to end things nicely.



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