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I wanted to start this topic because its something I think of often in my line of work as a Licensed Private Investigator.
I have so many clients victims of adultery that are understandably upset over adultery, hurt and betrayed. To the point of domestic violence and even murder.
Betrayal is a horrible emotion and its so painful and hurtful in so many ways.
I think with men the betrayal is a little different because it is more of a strike against his manhood, or masculinity, or his home.
With women we take betrayal internally and intimately as our womb is so sacred to our inner being, we protect it and we feel violated, with threat of disease and inner sanctity.
Its the way we view marriage, that makes the difference. I have so many clients that view marriage like ownership papers, or title to a car or a house or a lottery winning. They say.. your mine now. They actually think they own thier spouse when they get married. Not true.
I just wish and want to make clear that Marriage is not an ownership, or title to your spouse, you cant own people, slavery is over in our country, we dont own our spouses when we get married, we all have free will. Marriage is two individuals that promise and vow with thier own free will to be faithful to each other. Basically they make a promise of fidelity.
Promises can be broken I see it everyday, free will gives us all the right to change or minds and break a vow or promise, such promise can be taken away or changed at anytime. Its our right to do so.
Having said the above, with free will comes responsibilties and if your no longer in love with your spouse and your cheating or wanting to be with someone else, go and officially break the marriage vows officially first. Its still going to hurt your spouce but at least you have done all the right things as best you could do in such a sad and bad situation.
The reason Im stating all of this is that many have a misconception of marriage my estimates are more than 80 percent of my clients feel they own thier spouce and that the spouse has gotten away, like a trapped animal or pet. Marriage was never intended to be ownership or any form of it. It was intended for two free souls to vow to love, honor, chersh and to be together faithfully through sickness and health better or worse, etc.. Period.
When a spouse breaks this vow, if either partner has a misconception of what marriage really is and thinks they own thier spouse, such thinking can cause domestic violence and or even death.
So ask yourself, do I own my spouse. If you say yes, then please re-think the concept of marriage and realize, your spouse is with you by choice and can leave by choice too.
Lets break the misconception of marriage vows in this 21st century.. and get the message out. You did not give up yourself or your life when you got married. All you did was make a promise and you can take that back just like your spouce can. So think about it and honor the vows. If not get out legally.
So the next time you hear your girlfriends saying I make my husband mow and weed the yard or men when you tell your buddies, I make my wife cook and wash my clothes, step back for a moment and realize that you dont make them do anything. They do it by choice as part of a vow a promise that they can take back. So appreciate the things spouses do for you out of love, vow and promise.



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rosa Page wrote Sep 30, 2008
    • I couldn't agree with you more. I think that our society is selling this notion that marriage is a Walt Disney fairytale.  We are not Cinderella, Snow White or any other princess, and men are not prince charming coming to take care of us. These are impossible models to live by. Marriage is about forgiveness and forgetting.
      We as mothers need to teach our children how to have a married relationship. We must stop telling little girls that their wedding day is the best most beautiful day of their lives because it isn't. I would like to think that this beautiful day should be the day they become mothers in a safe & healthy stage of their life. Don't get me wrong marriage can be a beautiful relationship, but it should not define a woman. Little girl want the big wedding. Let's be honest marriage is not that way. Marriage is not a big party and it is not fancy. We gather everyone we know to see our wedding but how many of those people support you and him when the chips are down in the marriage. Very few if any!
      We should teach our girls and boys to forgive not forget but forgive. So much about marriage is just that forgiving. Truly forgiving not just forgiving and bringing it up over and over again, I will give you some quick examples.
      My Mother and Father have been married for 47 years. My father was unfaithful and my mother reminds him every day since she found out about it. I feel bad for him. I think that this is so wrong.
      My Mother in-law and Father In-law have been married 44 years. My father in-law had an adventure as he puts it. She truly forgave him and I use their marriage as a model of what I want my marriage to be. They are each other best friend and it is a beautiful thing to see.
      Both my sisters cheated on their spouses and they didn't come to the family for support. They turned to girl friends that did not attend their weddings nor did they know the men in those relationships. Both are divorced and have had relationship both say they will not marry again. To this day they will not forgive the spouse for issues in their failed marriages. Both are alone. Not that this is bad because they are both strong and happy women.
      My husband and I went through this same issue. He cheated and I had a choice to make. Walk away or talk and work out our issue. First I had to forgive him than I had to move pass it If I wanted this to work.
      My younger brother same thing had an affair after 1year of marriage but 10years of being with her(high school love). My sister in-law came to me for advice. I told her she need to imagine her life without my brother the father of her 3 children and although I thought my brother was an ass for what he had done. She needs to make the decision could she truly forgive.
      My brother and his wife have been married now 10 years. I will celebrate 17years.
      I chose him for better and for worse with all his faults. No one is perfect. We need to tell our children to love themselves enough to step back and not jump into marriage which is a very real and messing relationship with out the ability to forgive. Marriage is like all other relationships you have with family.
      Your spouse is the family you chose. You can't pick your parents, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, or even your children. The one person you get to pick in your family in your life is your spouse. So why can't you love them unconditionally.
      Now! To forget, not one of these people forgot the pain of infidelity. Regardless if you stay with that person or not the pain will be the scare but with time it will fade.
      Again we have free will and that is a God given gift but so is the gift of forgiveness and unconditional love.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bobbi Bacha wrote Sep 30, 2008
    • Bravo What40.  Im so proud of you and your family.  We all face this issue or know of someone that has.  

      Its important to keep focusing on what marriage really is.  

      When we get married and sign the marriage license, we must keep in mind that that license is not like the title to a car or house.  It does not mean your spouce owns you forever and your stuck with him or her, doing thier bidding and or taking any abuse.

      We must realize that marriage is simply a vow, a promise of fidelity.  And promises can be broken, just as we see so many marriages disolved. Your right too many are viewing marriage as Cinderella, Snow White and society pushes this concept.  The reality is marriage is a promise a vow, and depending on the person that makes that promise, ultimately results in how well the promise is kept.  Thats the reality of it all.  

      Cinderella, Snow White.. wake up.. marriages arent always forever and statically, most marriages fail, the major cause is infidelity.

      We do have free will and I agre we also can have the desire to forgive and unconditional love if so want it.  I dont think that is a gift, I think its something we should all stive for, but with you and your family, what40... I think its a gift.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bobbi Bacha wrote Oct 5, 2008
    • iidlyyckma  

       I love that your equal.. its the only way.  Now my question to you.  If he cheated on you and you did not know and everyone else did.  Then one day you caught him.. would you be angry enough to harm him ?  Or would you be able to walk away.  

      For every action there is a reaction and the question is how will you react ?

      This is the biggest problems in marriage.  Some how.. deep down or by teaching or misconception.  Most people dont think like you do in partnership, equal terms.  They think of marriage as they own thier spouse and spouse  is PROPERTY.  They think they OWN that person, body and soul.  It also occurs in some boyfriend / girlfriend relationships.  

      The danger is that all too often, that anger and thinking is enough to kill.  

      Thanks for sharing.. your comment.. this is a subject I deal with often.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 8, 2008
    • I’m all for viewing my marriage as a partnership.



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