In the midst of my divorce an old boyfriend (I'll call him P) reached out to me - he was getting divorced too. He's not just any  guy - we met in 1st grade and he was my first "boyfriend". We've been in and out of each other's lives ever since, including a 2-year relationship in our early 30's but he wasn't ready to get married. After we broke up, I married the next guy I met (not the brightest thing I've ever done...).

After P emailed me, we met up for drinks one night and started seeing each other exclusively right away. And the passion was unlike anything I’ve experienced with anyone else. I was with him every time my ex had the kids. It seemed like the “3rd” time around was the one, except he was struggling with the kid-thing (he does not have any). He only met mine once, even though I kept giving him opportunities to do so. I know he tried but he has serious abandonment issues (like I do) and nearly a year into our relationship he bailed. He couldn’t even face me - just sent an email saying that he was confused and needed some time. After a few emails and texts, I decided to give him that time and a couple of months went by. I was really devastated especially since he wasn’t even willing to talk to me about it - or take a chance that he might actually enjoy my kids.  

I didn’t have my kids last Christmas and decided to go home to visit family. P sent me a text and wanted to see me (his family still lives in our hometown too). Of course, I agreed, we ended up having sex and talked about what happened. He said he was very sorry and confused about his feelings. After that, he texted or emailed me about the same time each month until I finally agreed to see him. I still wasn’t seeing anyone else, and our physical relationship was intense, more so than with anyone else I’ve been with. It was tough to stay away and a girl has needs... We decided to try a friends with benefits arrangement since a relationship wasn’t realistic (he was still too unsure about my kids).  

For the most part, I am satisfied with this arrangement, and the sex is amazing! He is the one reaching out to me and I feel like I have a lot more control over the situation than I did before. If I wanted to, I could go out with another guy (assuming that could happen ). However, the last couple of times I saw him, he wanted to spend more time with me than just in bed. Sort of like we used to, with me staying the night. Until the last time, I was still feeling pretty good about not being so attached to him. However, when we were hanging out, a lot of feelings started to come back. Then we had sex and I left - surprisingly able to separate those feelings.

I wonder if it is really possible for people who have such a connection to truly have a friends with benefits arrangement. I know for me, it has kept me from wanting to put myself out there for anyone else, something I am really afraid of anyway. For the last 15+ years, I’ve only been with 2 guys and I knew them before I dated them (P was one of them). There aren’t a lot of single guys in my circle of friends and I will not date anyone I work with again. Online dating doesn’t appeal to me either. One of the things that makes things hard for me is that I know P loves me and I love him - I can’t negate our lifelong connection. Based on his recent behavior, I am inclined to think he is trying to determine whether or not he wants to try again and involve my kids. Funny thing is, recently I have felt more like Kim Catrell in Sex & the City because I just want to have fun, not get serious with anyone. I find myself attracted to guys younger than me - I feel young myself. I don’t want to get married and I’m sick of getting screwed over by guys.  

I’m not sure how long this arrangement can last, but the sex is so satisfying! If you knew me, you’d realize how weird it is that I’m ok with this. I usually go from relationship to relationship. But I’m really enjoying my single status and time to myself, without someone expecting something from me or having to check before I make decisions. This fits my needs for now, just hope I don’t miss something (or someone) along the way.