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Question: We are struggling in our sex life, due to sickness. My husband has developed two hernias. The one in his tummy he has had for years, but the one in his groin is newer and starting to cause him pain, including during sex. Do you have any advice to help us cope and stay connected sexually. We are both still very attracted to each other, but his hernia is causing him pain. I know the quick fix is to repair his hernia, but we are currently without insurance. Kind of an extra question to you: Does a man enjoy a little buzz to his penis, as a woman does with sex toys? Anyway I would appreciate any advice you can give me. We are both frustrated!!!! ...Kim  

Answer:  First, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that hernias, no matter where there are located, can cause very serious problems if left untreated.  Your husband should seek proper medical evaluation and care as soon as he possibly can.  I know it may be a financial hardship, but perhaps your physician may have some recommendations as to how this may be treated with a minimum of out-of-pocket expenses.  At the very least, it seems worth looking into, if you haven't already done so.

Now to your question:  There are many ways for you and your husband to be sexually active without engaging in activities that cause pain.  The key is avoiding any movement that puts pressure, stress, or tension on that area of his body.  Unfortunately, by its very nature, sexual arousal will naturally cause a tensing in that region, so creativity is a must.

1) If you want to engage in intercourse, try utilizing positions that require a minimum of thrusting on his part.  One such position is to straddle your hubby’s genital region and carefully insert him inside you.  If you are facing him, you are in a great position to kiss and fondle each other.  If you sit facing away from him, Reverse Cowgirl-style, you can achieve deep penetration.  In either case, as long as you don’t get too rambunctious, you‘re free to yell, “Giddy-up” and ride him to your heart’s content (no spurs necessary).  And although these positions require you to do all the work, they also allow you to completely set the pace and give you greater ability to orchestrate your pleasure, as well as his.

2) Intercourse aside, there are a number of other sexually intimate activities you can enjoy with a minimum of pain and discomfort.  In fact, you might even look at this as an opportunity to more fully explore many forms of sex-play that you might otherwise only consider as foreplay.  Rather than engaging in these activities merely to whet your appetite for the "main event," now what was once an appetizer, becomes a satisfying entrée in its own right.  One such example is mutual masturbation.  You should feel free to feel freely.  And while this may be something you haven't engaged in to any great extent in years, it can be a very sexy and satisfying experiencing - giving and getting with this hands-on approach to orgasmic release.

3) Of course, most obviously, oral sex should definitely be on the menu if it is your desire to keep pelvic movement and stress to a minimum.  Using your mouth on him should cause him only positive stirrings in his loins.  And with a minimal effort on your part, you can help yourself to his loving lingual ministrations by carefully perching astride his face.  You may trade off giving and receiving oral attention, or engage in simultaneous mouth-to-genital resuscitation by assuming the traditional "69" position (with you on top, of course).  Again, consider this not simply a pre-amble to sex, but a lovely, satisfying sexual feast unto itself.

And to answer your question about men enjoying sex toy vibrations on their penis – I'd have to say that this probably varies to some degree from man to man.  That said, however, generally speaking, any  attention or direct stimulation to the penis is likely to be warmly received.  The male member may have no conscience but its sincere appreciation of even the slightest gesture is usually quite obvious.

The most important thing to remember in all this is that despite physical limitations, you both still want to demonstrate your sexual desire for each other.  This is where the "for better or for worse" really comes into play.  Sexuality is an important part of any long-term male-female relationship, and your mutual desire to keep this part of your relationship alive and thriving, bodes well for many happy years together.  Congratulations on having the commitment to doing what is necessary to keeping your marriage loving, vital and intimate.

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: david@EveryManSeesYouNaked.com. I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column. If you are interested in a more comprehensive compendium of musings on the male mind, check out David's Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think. 

(C) 2009 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.



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