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I’m not sure where to start with this one... As some of you who know me are aware, the relationship between my “Mom” and I (I’m an adoptee)etc has always been shaky and that I’m an adoptee from a dysfunctional family, etc. My Grandmother has always been more of a mom figure to me than “Mom” was. In any case, I’m an adoptee and have been made aware of this from time to time, subtly, but not unnoticably, during my life.
So, today, I went to my Grandmothers house for awhile. Gran started a conversation with me regarding shooting a 5 generation picture of us. She then said to me, “Well, we will take the picture of the 4 of us and you can just be edited into it.”

EXCUSE ME?

I felt like someone hit me with a stun gun. EDIT myself into our 5 generation picture? WHAT? WTF IS THAT?

I thought it through for a moment then said to her, “That is without a doubt the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard.” And, “The point of a 5 generation picture is that we should all be in contact with each other and sitting in the same room together. You idea would be a complete lie.”
I’m still in disbelief. There is no relationship with the hateful woman who claims to be my mom. We’ve all tried talking to her. No avail. Whatever. SHE‘S the one who CHOOSES to be this way. SHE is the one who’s absent. They can take their 5 generation picture and cram it!
Talk about validation too... Good thing I’m a strong person because opening up a “wound” like she did to me today could really screw a person up.  

I want nothing further to do with them. WOW. I typed this pretty quickly. I’m emotionally drained this evening and really don’t take this sort of thing anywhere else..  thanks for ‘listening.’



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Apr 18, 2009
    • Jenz-wow. I don't even know where to begin! God, I am so sorry you come from this! From everything I read about you and from you, and the way I see you communicate and care about other people, you are strong and kind-hearted. It sucks to see someone as kind and open as you get this kind of crap showered on you.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Esther Bloom wrote Apr 18, 2009
    • WTF I am so sad for you. I just lost my mom and can’t even imagine how you feel. We are women that must be strong in all we do and trust our gut. “Gods usual timing”
      This is the best place to say things without holding back, I love this site, happy to listen

      Esther



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Apr 18, 2009
    • Thanks. I appreciate that alot. Even when I was very young, I recognized what was dysfunctional somehow and decided back then I was never going to be like that. I didn’t like it. I liked being around cool, “normal” and happy people. They clearly are not. The fact that those words were even SAID to me today just proves I was never wrong. I’m still processing that whole thing. I did speak up though yet was calm when doing so...my Grandma is in her 80s and I wasn’t about to yell. It was however, important to me to be heard and make my words count.
      I also added, “I don’t begin to know why none of you stand up to Mom or why Dad doesn’t grow a pair. It’s all very ridiculous. NO I will NOT shoot this picture.”
      I cancelled my plans for tonight to stay home and basically take care of ME. My plans have been postponed for next week which is fine. I needed to.
      I swear sometimes I think I should write a book. It would probably be un-put-down-able.
      Unbelievable it is.. all of it.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Apr 18, 2009
    • I’m sorry, Jen. I want to say something that will make it better but there are no words. I, like the other women here can give an ear, a shoulder and support. You don’t deserve that kind of treatment by your family or anyone else for that matter.

      Good that you took time for yourself. That’s important.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Apr 18, 2009
    • wow!!! You know how i want to speak with your mom, now im thinking gran needs some as well.
      WTF is all their problems!!
      You can be adopted into my family!!!

      I’m in shock here...
      I’m tellig you...gimmee their phone numbers!!!

      big huggzzz and love!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Apr 18, 2009
    • Hi there.. thank you sooo much. The support here is so beyond helpful. I can’t make heads or tails of why they are the way they are. It’s been very confusing from time to time though because etiquette has always been followed otherwise. Strange indeed. Follow etiquette, have money, appear proper & of an upper class then treat your own family like that? I don’t even care to analyze it further regarding the ‘why’s‘, which actually, I’m grateful for. That would be a whole additional process that would take alot of my time and energy, which I’m rather protective of. I value it too much to waste on something that won’t change. I’m very, very thankful I’m nothing like them. I’m sort of rambling tonight..sorry. I’m still a bit flabbergasted and if it makes sense, just paying attention to my emotional self, as today, salt was definitely poured into a wound unexpectedly. Thank you so much for being here.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • Honey thats vile - you don’t treat people like that full stop and even more so when they are family - adopted or not your family .... they should all learn to belt up !

      Hope you feel better today big hugs



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • AH Jen I am so sorry.....



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Susan Sullivan wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • Oh wow, that’s unreal that they would even contemplate that that sort of behavior is anything close to ok.  Good for you for standing up for yourself and sometimes, that quiet way of getting your point across is more impactful than all the yelling in the world.  I have found that often the things that are the most hurtful and wrong that happens in our lives are the things that teach us the most about our own strength and character. You are obviously a strong, kind, loving person and much of that seems to have come from a strong vision of what you did NOT want to be.  I know this was hurtful and there’s no skirting around the fact that you have every right to feel that, but I expect these vile people put you in the place you are now, to be so strong and clear on the kind of person you are and want to be, so at least something good came from it.

      Good luck and good for you for taking the time to take care of yourself.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • Good morning. Thank you. Seriously.
      ps- I forgot to add that I also said when this vile picture idea (vile- great descriptive word!) was presented, “Either I am a member of this family, or I am not.”

      After much thought, I’ve decided that the next time Mom comes to town, I’ll show up, say what I have to say then I’m done with this. And them.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Susan Sullivan wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • Jenz, a good plan.  You deserve to have your say after all these years of abuse - and then shake the dust from your feet as you leave and hold your head high!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ltllady wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • You are an incredibly strong and couragous woman! I am blessed by your sharing and your ability to be transparent on this site. Your family may be related to mine...or maybe there are just more sickos in this world than I know.
      You can never make sense of insanity....have your say and then breathe deeply as you walk away...you deserve to have your say and they don’t deserve you!
      ltllady



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • sending some hugzz to you.

      remember, i gotcha back!! estatic



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • Thank you. :)
      And Tracy, I KNOW that. YOU ROCK! I think I shall call you today.

      As for attempts to work things out and/or getting a decent relationship going, I have tried. Alot. No response from the witch. My friends have since nicknamed her the icequeen.
      I’m not carrying what I have to say around with me anymore. She’ll hear me, I will definitely leave with my head held very high indeed. HER LOSS! If she prefers to live like an angry bitch, LET HER. Ugh. I could never stand myself if I was anything like them. Not entirely sure how she does it.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shopgirl1960 wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • Jen,

      How I would like to talk to this woman who has the gall to adopt a beautiful child and then make the child’s life miserable. As Oprah said once, we all still have the child within us that deserves to be loved. We often need to talk to our inner child. I am so lucky that I have parents who talk to my inner child as well. I want to reprimand this woman (she is not your TRUE mother!!!!) If I were old enough to be your mother I would ask you to be my daughter and give you EVERYTHING you deserve... and MORE!!!!!

      I pray that God will protect your heart from the pain of what was put upon you.  I also pray that God will lead you to your real mother if you haven’t yet found her.

      My heart is touched... and I am hurting for you.

           (((( And Angry!!!)))

      If you ever need someone to talk to on the phone, I am here!

      Big,Big Hugs!!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • Thank you very much. I appreciate this and it has really helped me stay strong and focused through the past 24 hours. Many hugs to all of you! THANK YOU again.
      xoxoxoxoxo!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kathryn Krastin wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • Oh, that is oh so wrong.  When adoptive parents choose to adopt a child into their family, they should never do so with the intention of making them a deliberate outsider. What in the world are they thinking? and what was the adoptive agency/court thinking when they approved/granted the adoption???  

      Hopefully, they’ll wake up and smell the coffee soon and realize how hurtful they have been to you. (((HUGS)))



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • Thanks Term! People can really suck sometimes. ugh...  My Aunt and I are having dinner together Wednesday and we‘re moving forward as a family. The dysfunctional ones can basically kiss my ass. Excuse my french. lol  The ONLY EDITED picture anyone will be getting of me and/or mine, will be of me or us standing there flipping a big fat BIRD.
      How’s that for an “edited picture?” PFFFFFT!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Southernbelle1 wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • Jen, although I’m new here and don’t know the “back story,” I was just overcome by your post.  I can’t begin to imagine how hurtful that was to you and am very impressed with how gracefully, but forcefully, you handled the situation.  While showing respect to your grandmother, you very eloquently expressed your feelings.  You certainly don’t deserve this kind of treatment and you should be proud of yourself for refusing to accept it!

      I think you‘re wise to refuse to expend any more energy trying to figure out the “whys.”  Sometimes it’s better to just leave it behind, move on and use your energy on people and things that make you happy.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Apr 19, 2009
    • Thank you, Southern. :) I appreciate that too. :)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Richardson wrote Apr 20, 2009
    • WOW!!! Jenz, she is the true definition of cruel how hurtful does she have to be to you? I’m with you she should cram that photo as far as it can go up her potuddy!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Fraz764 wrote Apr 20, 2009
    • Stay strong and realize that you are the cycle breaker. You have a Three generation photo that you can take and start from there. Love your children and continue to show them what it really means to be a MOM!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cmrobert wrote Apr 20, 2009
    • Hey Jenz....
      Their loss not yours!

      Cheryl~



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Apr 20, 2009
    • Thank you so much for all of this support. I feel like I have 50 sisters. :)
      MANY HUGS! happy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Faye43 wrote Sep 15, 2009
    • OMG!!! That was rude!!!! I would never speak to her again!!! worried



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mindy Wilson wrote Jan 28, 2010
    • This really stings..doesn’t it? Good for you to be different than your said example. I’m glad you could always see things clearly even though it wasn’t pain-free.

      Mindy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Allinet48 wrote Feb 2, 2010
    • That is what I have always called “verbal diarrhea“-comes out before it is thought through. Tough one to know what to say-you were very gracious in not exploding.



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