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How to fight fair:
1.Take it Private: Have self control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.
2. Keep it relevent: Don’t bring up old grudges.Put boundaries around the subject.
3. Keep it real: Deal w/the issue at hand.
4. Avoid Character Assassination: Stay focused on the issue, Don’t let fight degenerate into name calling.
5. Remain task oriented: Know what you want going into the disagreement, if you don’t have a goal in mind you won’t know when you’ve acheived it.
6. Allow for you partner to retreat w/Dignity: How an argument ends is crutial.(Do not let the sun go down on your anger) Recognize when an olive branch is extended to you,perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke- give your partner a face saving way out of the disagreement.
7. Be proportional in your intensity: You do not have to get mad every single time you have a right to be.
8. There’s a time limit: Arguments should be temporary, so don’t let them get out of hand. Don’t allow the ugliness to stretch out indeffinately.



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lazylola wrote Jul 12, 2009
    • Janet, all excellent points, but in the heat of passion all sense of rational thought goes out the window...at least for some, I can calmy listen but usually my partner retreats to number2 and then I tend to shut him out as # 2 is old news and I’m tired of rehashing old stuff when we have new stuff to deal with.

      Thanks for sharing.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tuliplady wrote Jul 12, 2009
    • Wonderful post Janet.  I think learning to fight fairly is one of the cornerstones of a good marriage/relationship.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Frannie1964 wrote Jul 12, 2009
    • It all sounds great, but my hubby Isn’t one to talk about It. I want to talk about It when we argue, but It’s hard when he walks away and that just makes me more upset, so I don’t want to argue more so I just let It go half of the time. It’s hopeless to try and have a conversation with him when we have argued. usually we just say sorry and move on.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anne E wrote Jul 12, 2009
    • Good advice, but oh-so-hard to follow when you‘re really steamed!  I’m going to work on it though.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Janet Wooley wrote Jul 12, 2009
    • It is a work in progress honestly.
      Here is my hubby: me“We need to talk” he clams up crosses his arms and says what did I do now?” I get so irritated with him I know he does not listen and here we go again.
      I was at the point I was so angry with him all the time. We both decieded we need to do something different before we walk away from a long history. I had to come to realize he just wanted respect and I just did not give him that, in my opinion he did not deserve it. I called him names, brought up old crap it got ugly I am embarassed to say it. Well I first had to admit that I too needed to change and him also. We agreed we both did and wanted to change. We literally have this written down we go into the garage a mutual private place. And it has changed my life. My husband has added something new to this and he suggested we pray first before we talk and I see how bringing God into the situation makes a big difference, this has changed my life tremendously.
      Oh believe me I know what really steamed is I WAS a hot head another embarassing thing for me. But I found it is my willingness to change not just my thinking that it was him that needed to change.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tuliplady wrote Jul 12, 2009
    • Having just been thru a MAJOR set of issues with my hubby this week, I feel pretty good that we both managed to fight fair (well all except #8—things simmered for longer than they should have).  It’s taken us a long time and living thru marriages where fights weren’t fair to get to this point.

      I won’t say there wasn’t some shouting and yelling because there was, but we managed to keep it all relevant to the issue at hand.

      One thing I would add to the list that is very important is forgiveness.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Janet Wooley wrote Jul 12, 2009
    • Thank you Tuliplady yes that is a good idea, forgiveness.
      Point well taken,
      I am glad that you managed to get thru your fighting, and realizing you need to work on #8, next time you will be aware of #8 and really what a difference.
      Men & women are so totally different in the way we think, we (women)could converse for hours and never tire of it. A man on the other hand, thinks, say what you have to say and get the heck out of here.So the time limit is important because in his view after a certain amount of time he thinks it’s nagging, not talking. I know I do this, If I think he don’t hear what I have said I will repeat it and again if I think he is not getting it I repeat my point. Oh he heard me alright.So I had to tell him repeat back to me what you thought I said when I start doing this because I am thinking your not hearing me.
      It really is like you said a work in progress. We are taking it one day at a time.Sometimes moment by moment.



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