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Ive spent today reflecting on how i got where im at today. I love quiet times with nature, to sit amoung a bunch of green leafy trees, listening to the birds sing to each other. Watching the bees busy on clover in the green yard. Squirrel playing jumping from tree branch to tree branch, that is peace for me.

  I want to accept what life has dealt me with quiet dignity. I want to be a woman grown, one who is proud of my wrinkles and those patchs of gray i see in my hair. Im tired of pretending that im fine, that no matter what is said about me doesnt hurt me, that i dont care. I do care. It hurts deep inside of my soul.

  Im a great actress, i missed my calling in life. I only cry when im alone. I was raised that if you show weakness, sickness anything besides some sort of superwoman armour. That your foes will destroy you. You have to respect those tough hillbilly women that were my family.  

  I want to know how to get to that spot that you love yourself, you accept yourself. You see beauty in the mirror. I want to forget what i was taught, and do exactly what makes me happy, i want to laugh. I want to only cry pure tears of joy.

  And if im called that special name they use to control all women “BITCH“,  So what, what does that mean exactly, does it mean that you are self assured to say what you think. Does it mean you have been unconvetional, and actually told someone the truth, That you have stood up and was moral, you stood your ground, and you werent afraid.

  I spent part if not all of my life being that, and being told that i was to much, to strong, to hot tempered, that i scared people.  So i try to tell people what they want to hear, that makes me a liar, even if they dont say so, I know so.

  Im so tired of having to put my own thoughts and feelings aside, because i have meant women who cant deal with it. Im not mean, im actually a warm, caring woman. I just dont like wishy washy people. I like straight and honest. Give it to me hard, I can take it.  

  It gives me a sense of wild freedom to just say it, Just because im a woman, a mom, a grandma. Does that mean i can not be me.  I want to spend the rest of my life, being natural. I think when God created woman, It was because he wanted a thing of beauty, intelligence, Not to be walked on by men, To walk beside man, to remind the man of love, light and laughter. You are powerful, You are beautiful, You are ageless, You are woman...




Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anne E wrote Jun 6, 2011
    • “Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
      — Albert Camus heart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheekymonkey wrote Jun 6, 2011
    • heartheart Tracy,
      I know what I want to say I just sometimes ramble so please be patient with
      Me.
      I have always said seriously or joking ” I am a bitch with a sence of humor and I’ve worked hard at it the last 47 years ” now let me explain that please.
      When I use the word bitch... No I am not demeaning myself in anyway , shape , or fashion. Probally because when used the way I mean it... It has a different meaning. To me .. Now here is where the rambling can start I’m sorry ...
      To me “bitch” is a strong woman a sence of their own. A sence of comfortability in ones own skin. That has an thought and needs it heard because it’s intelligent and meaningful.
      I took the negative our of the word.
      But if I use the word at someone then they are being negative and mean.... The true meaning the world has attached to it. So I only call my self that unless completely angered.
      The humor is my knowing I can laugh at myself and situations. Even the not so funny ones. It’s the truth about oneself without demoralizing the person.
      When I say I worked hard at it for 47 years it means that I am trying to find my own and in part I have, but there is room for more growth.
      I never lie. To myself , to others. I might need to learn more and I might not like what I see in said mirror at times or in others. But I find peace with it and my faults. ( which by the way are many lately)
      So I think by admitting this in the post above you have taken a huge step because we all have done this.
      Be yourself. Be a bitch but take it in the way I mean and turn the meaning around for yourself.
      Your honesty above shows the character of your heart. Use it. Be proud of all of you good , bad the world is a better place for all if us trying to change it and how adobe do that by our honesty if ourselves.
      Only then can we change the rest.
      Hugs
      Cris



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tracy Lynn Brown wrote Jun 7, 2011
    • Thank you cris,
      I know exactly what you mean. I want to be what i put on here but its a long hard road i think. I esp want to be happy with me, but thats going to be a long while. But i do know being on this site, and getting the chance to meet all of you has helped me in ways i cant even describe. thank you for your words they meant alot. heart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cathie Beck wrote Jun 9, 2011
    • Tracy, I hear ya! I'm trying to get through this bleeping divorce and remain the good kind of "bitch" Cris is talking about. (Good one, Cris!) But I'm losing my ability to cry, and so here I am up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. A good cry would have knocked my lights right out, but not a single damn tear! sigh.....

      Cathie



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tracy Lynn Brown wrote Jun 9, 2011
    • Ive been there Cathi, divorce is one of the hardest things on earth, even if you do want it, i think you go thru so freaking much. My pretty much destroyed the family i knew, we built up another in time. but its so hard. If you need someone to talk or to listen, im hear, half the time i cant sleep.. hugs.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cathie Beck wrote Jun 10, 2011
    • Thanks, Tracy B. The hardest thing right now is waiting because I’m a ‘take action’ type, and not patient for sitting around waiting. This has been dragged out for a year & a half and yesterday I got back my spirit after some sleep. And then a nice surprise...got a call from my attorney’s assistant on setting up a date for the financial mediation. It’s a good step forward, and it’s my attorney pushing to put an end to my being left dangling. ;oD

      Diivorce to me isn’t the hardest thing on earth to go through, though this is only my 2nd to judge by. Oppression is the hardest for me. Wherever oppression comes from, be it in a job or a family relationship or a marriage. Anything that starts sucking the life out of us is something that’s got to have an ending.  

      And if you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. ;oD  

      Cathie



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