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It is Christmas day.  It’s raining so that’s like a white Christmas California style.  And now a rainbow is stretching across the mountains I have seen from this view I have known since I was a kid.  That rainbow feels like someone blew me a kiss and I’ll take it because other wise I am feeling crazy.  It’s not like this Christmas is even particularly stressful this  year.  So far it has only had the usual sources of stress, that being hoping my husband doesn’t drop the “F” bomb while we all sit around and chat, hope the kids don’t rough house so much that the dogs all start to bark so my sister in law won’t get that aggravated, exasperated look on her face.  Hoping I don’t over eat so much that I have weird dreams or wake up with a puffy face to wear in to work tomorrow.  See, I shouldn’t be stressed and crazy because none of those things have happened....yet.

But I have been feeling crazy and it has little to do with Christmas. I have just felt TIRED of everything for SOOOOO long now.  Tired of worrying and feeling sad really.  Because my job is dead end, my teeth are falling out, in the back only at this time, but still....Just yesterday my son said“Mom what happened to your teeth????” and looking at the once straight if not slightly overly packed lower soldiers I saw one tooth had shifted radically, like it just went off in a new direction for no apparent reason.  So that was a bit distressing.  Gets me all caught up in paranoid hypochondriac type thinking, something new that has entered into the mix.  Keep thinking I am probably ill in some way that will kill me and since I don’t have health insurance I will die and leave behind a bigger pile of debt.  But aside from that weird craziness, I have gotten random anxiety attacks and now the fat around my middle feels different, all bulky and awkward like someone took big old carpet remnants and attached them to my sides.  I was so shocked to take a long, agonizing look at my mid section a few weeks back while trying on some pants that fit my butt but were snug at the waist and my fat just seemed to be oozing over the sides.  Very disturbing image.  Now  I know the new breed of fat and the anxiety can stem from my never ending spiral into the hell known as menopause.  Please excuse the typos, by the way, it adds to anxiety and insanity to try to re-type so forgive me!  But, yes, I know the dreaded “M” is possibly largely responsible for taking me down.  But damn.  I didn’t think it was going to make me feel so CRAZY.

I know any minute someone is going to walk in and I should stop writing and go be social.  A drink might help me achieve that next move and at least it’s late enough in this Christmas day to have one.  

Rainbow is still there, it is amazing to just look out a window and see such amazing things that just happen for the Hell of it.   Like the turquoise and scarlet and peach Winter sunrises I have seen lately that make me wish for more time to just sit and soak in the most beautiful random things that offer themselves up for free.  Yet just like now, the phone rings, carrots need to be peeled for dinner and besides the Big “M” craziness life just seems to be in such a freaking hurry and it’s a ride I want to get off, I just want to stop and re-examine the ride I’m on and feel like I can call more of the shots  that might put more meaning into it all.  I mean, if life is supposed to have meaning I would have to say the should’s and have to’s” dictated by whoever have just diluted so many experiences.  There’s no time for the richness so many moments deserve, there hardly seems time to dream anymore.  Don’t get me wrong.  I haven’t thrown in the towel, I’m no quitter.  But I am just so tired and wish I could hibernate for a bit.  Bears and other hibernators are really on to something, I think there are those of us who need to hibernate.  I need that long winter’s nap....  

And that’s it from me.



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Dec 25, 2008
    • You need a good rest.  Oh, me too... to my nap.  If my family is hungry, they can fix themselves sometimes.  Zzzzzzzz.ohhhh



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Dec 25, 2008
    • twistedsister, I have felt similar things off and on. Most of the time I’m quite sane (so I think), but then I have my moments! My perimenopause has been fairly minimal, so I can’t complain. I do have several friends who have checked in to bio identical hormones. We actually have a local pharmacist that does a hormone profile and makes recommendations accordingly. The women I’ve talked to seem to have good results.  

      I hope you find some solutions for your “craziness“. Take chinadolls advice, get some rest!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Leadinladytracy wrote Dec 25, 2008
    • Twistedsister, sounds like you need some “you” time and do some reflecting. Take a day and just relax. Don’t even get dressed, just sleep.

      After you have had a day of just down time, the next day, write down everything that is bothering you. The items that you have control over, figure out a way that you can change it. The items you don’t have control over - brush them off.  

      I hope this helps and you will have a better day!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Dec 25, 2008
    • very good advice, coach tracy!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Twistedsister49 wrote Dec 25, 2008
    • estatic   Thank you all!  I appreciate the good advice and responses!  I have to say, I write things with a sort of black sense of humor, I don’t take myself as seriously as it might seem.  But bottom line was, I was very touched by being heard and thank you all again.

      Twisted sister



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Dec 25, 2008
    • No prob, it’s what we are here for!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Psalmist wrote Dec 25, 2008
    • we’ll be checking up on you...and go outside every once in a while and just scream, i am a very avid proponent of scream therapy (it’s kept me from doing harm to a LOT of people/things). and believe it or not, smile more, especially when you don’t feel like it—put a smile on your face and the hormonal message that links your smile muscles to your brain will kick in and you will actually start to feel better.



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