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I recently came across a blog where women were complaining and admitting that they hated their husbands. Some were miserable knowing they didn't have the guts or will to leave. They felt doomed to a prison lacking love and happiness. Some were actually wishing for death on their partner or for themselves. And one was waiting for the economy to change, praying that their house would sell, so she could take off with her four kids. Reading the comments and entries, I was surprised, amazed, and really in disbelief. I mean I can understand not liking your spouse at times, but "hate?" A few of the women hated their husbands, because they drunk too much were verbally or physically abusive, or they were just lazy. However, many of them complained that money was the "root" of their feelings. Either it was too much money, too little, or excessive debt.

Many of the women felt their husbands didn't support them financially the way they wanted. Some hated their spouse because they worked all the time. One stated, "She didn't ask to be single and live as a single mom, even if her husband did make a lot of money." Some hated their spouse because they felt they were responsible for their debt problems or they mismanaged money. Hate is a strong and very negative word.  I actually do not even like saying the word, let alone writing about it. However, it was such an alarming blog. The women had such passion, fervor, and zeal in hating a person they promised to love, I couldn't stop reading. I kept thinking does the spouse know they are hated? Have they discussed or talked about their "real" feelings to their spouse? I'm sure money is just a symptom, but it is probably not the root of their problems.

The Dictionary defines hate as, "To dislike somebody or something intensely, often in a way that evokes feelings of anger, hostility, or animosity." Hatred takes time to manifest itself in relationships. Hatred usually comes from being silent, not addressing conflict, looking the other way, not speaking up, holding feelings inside, and keeping the peace no matter what the cost. Unfortunately, the cost can lead to hatred.

Look, if you have a spouse that is abusive, a bully, or downright belligerent, that is another matter. However, if you have a spouse that is overall a good person, husband, and father but he earns too little, works too much, or has accumulated debt—rethink your feelings. Instead of allowing a possible temporary situation about money dictate your future, come up with a plan that addresses the issues and can resolve your ill feelings.

1. Create a time and place to discuss your feelings with your spouse.
2. Write down your thoughts and feelings. After seeing your feelings on paper, is it worth discussing?
3. Consider your part in contributing to the problem.
4. What can you do to add to or reduce the financial pressures?
5. Instead of dwelling on the negative, think about his good qualities.
6. Realize hate destroys the person doing the hating.

Sharman Lawson a columnist on Fabulously40, and a financial coach, speaker, and author of the book 12 Steps to Eliminate Debt Forever! Visit her website: [Link Removed]

Sharmanl, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.


Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Sep 7, 2008
    • Thank you for your article, Sharman. I’m assuming that there are still many women of our generation who are financially dependent on a man. I think the next generation will be more independent, at least I hope so. My sister is completely dependent and her husband won’t share with her how much money they have. I know it’s not much. She chooses to live with her head in the sand.

      My husband controls the money in our home but I know how much there is and I have a small business that can always grow as large as I choose to make it.

      I know you are an expert in this area. I’d like to suggest a blog about women and having a financial identity of their own. I’ve never combined my bank account with anyone. I’ve always had a financial identity of my own. I’m wondering how many women do that?
      Thank you

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Sharman G. Lawson wrote Sep 7, 2008
    • You are right Cynthia on so many fronts. I know a few of my customers, the wives had no idea how much their husbands were making. Their husbands’ gave them money to run the house, it never seemed to be enough, and they were totally in the dark regarding what money was really available. I remember one client saying to her husband, “You trust me with your heart, kids and life, but you can’t trust me with your money?” She was extremely angry. Money causes many emotions, pain, and obviously in some cases hatred.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yolanda Harris wrote Sep 10, 2008
    • Sharmanl
      As an accountant myself and you from your background know the depth that money and financial control can be a portion of domestic abuse. So careful on the directions and how we direct some women to the finances of a spouse. I applaud the women that make $20 look like $200 for the household. Even though she comes in and comments she hates her spouse or partner, she can look at the skills she is learning to achieve debt free Mgt.  

      All legal aspects provide spouse to have knowledge of financial income because tax time comes and the filing of those taxes reveal a lot of information.  

      Women have to become empowered and learn even in the depths of domestic abuse and financial deprivation, she can save and remain debt free. As she finds her freedom. And for those that will never leave their spouse because of money, enroll him in a class for financial freedom or contact an Accountant to show you how to mgt.personal finance., He will look at you in a different way - LADIES

      Just saw you only had two comments on a subject that should be full of comments.

      "You trust me with your heart, kids and life, but you can't trust me with your money?"

      How true could he really be ?

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Raysa Santana wrote Oct 7, 2008
    • My first husband was a man with no motivation in life.  He always blamed something or someone for not bettering himself.  When we were first married I was making more money than he was and although he never said anything (he was a man of very few words unless the subject was sports) I know he resented that fact.  However, a few years later he got a good union job and he eventually was making more money than me.  I had no problem with that.  What I had a problem was that when we first got married I rushed and put his name on my checking and savings account.  He had a savings account which he never added my name to.  When I would mention it, he would say that if something happened to him I would get whatever was in the account.  I explained to him that it wasn’t about money, it was about trust.  He never understood that.

      Most of our problems were money related because he was so tight with his cash.  Even after we divorced he would never understand why he needed to give me extra money above the lousy $400 a month child support he would give me for 2 kids for the “unexpected” expenses such as senior year expenses (prom, yearbook, senior trip, pictures, etc).  I ended up paying for practically everything.  I was so happy when my youngest son turned 18 and I didn’t have to deal with that man anymore.

      I’ve been blessed and God has sent me a wonderful man who is totally the opposite from my 1st husband.  My 2nd husband is more like me.  We like to save, but we also like to have the financial freedom to travel, entertain and splurge on the grandkids.  

      We recently moved to Texas and for the 1st time in my life I am a full time housewife.  My husbands paycheck and army retirement are directly deposited into our account and I am in charge of our finances.  We make all financial decisions together and we are in the best financial position either one of us has ever been in.  

      "You trust me with your heart, kids and life, but you can't trust me with your money?"  How true could he really be?  My husband totally trusts me with his heart, kids, life and MONEY!!!

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      L J wrote Jul 1, 2009

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