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I just finished reading a wonderful blog about a woman who went Christmas shopping with her 100 year old grandmother. I have to say I envy her relationship.

My grandmother is 88 and is so mean. She hardly ever has anything nice to say about anyone.  

She is housebound and has lost her daughter (my mother) to cancer. So, I know she’s angry and a little bitter but does she have to take it out on her loved ones?

My husband is the nicest man I know - right up there with my dear departed dad. So, today was the final straw for me when she said something mean about him.  

After she said it, there was this silence as if she wished she could have taken it back. I almost hung up on her.

After a moment had passed, she said, “We’ll talk later” and all I said was, “Bye“.

My husband suggests I talk to her and tell her that I love her and want to see her but that I will need to leave or get off the phone if she says anything negative about the people I love.

Does anyone else have someone like this in their life? If so, what do you do about it?



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • I agree with your husband, Vigirl. If you tell her up front what you will/won’t put up with, she can’t be pissed when you say, gotta go!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • Talk to her and explain you understand her sadness and anger, but you love her and it hurts when she does these things to you. That you want to be in her life, but it is hard as when she talks about those you love it is hurtful.

      something like that maybe!

      im sorry as i know how hard it is when it is someone you care for...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • I personally discovered the elderly groups into two kind of category: being old and gracious or being old and grumpy.  I am sorry that your grandmother falls into the later.  My dad sometimes falls into the later as well.  I told him right out, “Hi Dad, how much time you think we have around on earth?  It seems long yet it seems like split second.  Therefore, *I* personally want to live it to the fullest and happiest.  How about you?”



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rystmom wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • I also agree with your husband. You need to talk to her. People handle emotional issues in many different ways. It sounds like hers comes out in bitterness. It sounds like she did regret what she said about your hubby.  

      I will pray that you have the strength and the words to talk to her.

      I to would share my Grandma with you. She would fit right into this group!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • i agree with cindylouwho on this one.. you have to tell her because if you don’t it will always cause friction..



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • I love all of the suggestions. I will talk to her. The problem is that she’s been this way for so many years and no one has ever stood up to her.

      The other part is I feel I need to write a letter because she dominates conversation and if you ever bring something up-she changes the subject.

      I should probably tell her in person????



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • You know best about in person or letter.  

      For some a letter is better. Gives them time to think before the ‘confrontation’



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • I would suggest a letter so she can digest at her own.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • P.S. I also love the offers of sharing grandmothers with me. Anyone have a cool mom they want to share? Mine has been gone for 9 years and I really miss her!! frown



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • I’ll share my mommy with you...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • Vigirl, Heather had a group post about writing letters just a day or two ago. Maybe you should write one. Whether or not you actually say it/read it to her is a decision to make later.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • Tracy-that would be awesome!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • Granny is probably just lonely, and dealing the only way she knows how.  I will share my mommy with you, she is the “bestest” mom ever.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • Oh yes-I do remember that. Thanks for reminding me. I will do it!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • Jacquie-she is definitely lonely and she lost her 3rd husband early this year. The holidays are tough but, man, she’s been mean a long time-years and years!! Thanks for sharing your momma with me too!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • I have known several people who, once they are 80, feel that they have earned the right to speak their mind...even if it is unkind or at the expense of others.  If you want a chance at a good relationship with your grandmother, tell her that you understand that she has a lot to be sorrowful about but then remind her that she has even MORE to be thankful for.  Her time is running short and it would be a shame for her to use it alienating people.

      As much as the guy gives me the heebs these days, Dr. Phil says it best:  you teach people how to treat you.

      Good luck...we all deserve to be happy!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • Good advice, daph. I just hope it’s not too late and now she just doesn’t give a sh**!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 29, 2008
    • She’s definitely afraid. The sad thing is I call her at least every other day and right now I want to call her less!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Womensafety wrote Nov 30, 2008
    • Wow Vigirl
      You have your hands full and it sounds like if she just stopped you would be their for her.
      The sad part is that they really think they are right and Nothing you say or do will make a differnce to her.
      Has she always been like this or just in the last year. Their is not alot you can do for here she is tired just smile when she get that way. My mother is 70 and I travel with her often and sometimes she gets like that and nothing I say will make a difference. So sometimes I just say hey it could be worse and say have you given a donation to St Judes yet. That lets here know how lucky she is.
      Keep us posted and good luck around the holidays.
      Donna [Link Removed]


      Womensafety, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Nov 30, 2008
    • I would write the letter.  It gives her time to re-read..whatever...digest what you have said.  And it helps get all of that off of your chest as well.  It will be therapy for you too.  

      Some people choose to be miserable.  It is sad that she lost her daughter.  I’ve never lost a child so I don’t know exactly how it feels, but I know it has to be awful no matter how old you are.  BUT...that does not give her the right to say mean and hurtful things.  It needs to be addressed.  Then if she chooses to continue with her mean ways..it’s on her.  You can’t make people change and some do not want to change.  Write the letter and then you have to go from there.  I would call her or be around her as long as she is acting nice...the first ugly statement...say you gotta go.  She’ll get the message and if she doesn’t..nothing you can do.  Good luck...it’s ashame to lose that precious commodity of time.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 30, 2008
    • I guess she spoke to my uncle today and he reported that she feels that she crossed the line with me and believes that I’m upset with her. What do I do now? Do I go forward as if this wasn’t a new development?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Nov 30, 2008
    • Jump on the chance....at least she recognizes she overstepped her bounds.  This is your chance to lay it all out on the table.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Nov 30, 2008
    • Ask her, why does she feel that she crossed the line, get HER to say what she did to do that, and then address what she says.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Nov 30, 2008
    • That’s right Cindylouwho...she needs to say what she did.  Then address it.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 30, 2008
    • Do I call her? Teek-this is all I want to accomplish is to get my thoughts across to her. When we‘re on the phone or in person I cannot get a word in edgewise. When I do, she always says, “What?” because she’s not used to hearing anyone else’s voice!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Nov 30, 2008
    • Yes I would call her..if you can’t do it...then write the letter tonight and mail it in the morning.  

      But if you call her I would make her say what she said to your uncle.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 30, 2008
    • I think I’d be the first to call her on her sh** so maybe it could help her in some way. I will go in with low expectations though.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Nov 30, 2008
    • Well....it’s about time someone called her on it...LOL...
      I say go for it vigirl.....just because she is 88 doesn’t give her the right to be rude or speak unkind words.
      Well heck....you said  she has been mean all of her life..or as long as you can remember......she needs to be called down for it...might as well be you.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Womensafety wrote Dec 1, 2008
    • Go for it you may never be able to talk to her again like this. Let her know how you feel and that you will be their for her. At least she knows your mad but you can make it seam not as bad as she thinks. Tell her you want to spend the holidays with the grandmother that is happy and enjoy the time you spend togeather.
      Check back later good luck keep us all posted.
      [Link Removed]


      Womensafety, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Dec 5, 2008
    • Well, I sent her a note today along with a magazine I had promised to mail her. The note said, “I love you and it hurts my feelings when I hear negative things said about my husband. Steve is the nicest man outside of my dad and David (her husband who truly is the sweetest man) and that he would do anything for you. Love, Michelle”

      What do you think?????



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Dec 5, 2008
    • Brevity is brilliance!!!  I stole that one from CindyLouWho, but it applies perfectly!  I genuinely hope that you net the result you are looking for from your grandmother.

      As a woman who has the MOST awesome grandmother (i was actually blessed with TWO most excellent grandmothers in my lifetime), i can say that you will be glad you took matters at hand and made such an excellent effort to bring the two of you closer!

      Good....no, EXCELLENT job, Vi!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Dec 8, 2008
    • I called my grandma today. She mentioned that she had gotten the note and went right into defending herself by saying she didn’t say anything negative to Steve. After a minute or so I told her it’s what she said to me about him. SHE KNOWS what she said. I didn’t spend anymore time than that defending what I wrote. She also knows that she’s said the same thing to her son, my uncle, who told me!  

      At least I got my point across and hopefully she will think twice about saying anything again!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Womensafety wrote Dec 8, 2008
    • Hi Vigirl  

      That was the best you can do. Its funny because when they get older they make it sound like they either did not hear you or just never address the problem. As you know I turned 50 8 days ago and the first thing everyone says to me is ” now you get to say anything you want” I am not a real fan of that because it does not make it ok to say anything but I was amazed at how many women said that.
      You did your best it’t the holidays take a deep breath and move on until the next matter. Your point was made and she heard you. As long as you feel better. I know you handled this better then me.
      Talk soon Donna Safe & Secure [Link Removed]


      Womensafety, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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