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I got the good news about a year ago. My doctor told me I was in “peri-menopause“. Peri meaning what? I’m only going to be on the big old mood swing occasionally? Far be it for me to say, but I like some consistency in my life. I don’t want to do things half-assed. I want my mood swings to be on a regular basis so they don’t sneak up and scare me....or anyone else, for that matter.

Menopause. Figures there’s the word “men” in it. They’ve always caused me to pause. Never mind the pausing, they’ve caused me sweat, anxiety, mood swings and general pain. But then there have been a few who’ve just made me hot. Those are the men worth pausing for.

Back to me. (I like it when it’s back to me. With five children I only get a few “me” moments...mostly when I lock the bathroom door and hide.) OK, I keep digressing. I thought I’d do a search on the symptoms of menopause (since apparently that’s where I’m headed). I think I had one of the major symptoms today in the supermarket. It was ice cold in the air conditioned market but as I paid for my items the sweat poured down my face and pooled in my ever so sexy sports bra. I was trying to look very “together” in my puddle of sweat. The clerk was about 17 years old. I told her that she’d be just like me in about 30 years and to enjoy her inner air conditioning. Mine just seemed to stop working.

The first website I came across about menopause had a list of twenty symptoms. Twenty?? Isn’t one symptom enough? As I perused the list, I was so hoping to find nausea, vomiting and occasional diarrhea. Aren’t those typical side effects for just about every medication on the market? It must be the same for menopause. Sure enough, that’s #18 on the list.

Here goes....oh so much to look forward to!

1. Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes: OK, I’ve got that!
2. Clammy feeling: Not yet...can’t wait!
3. Irregular heart beat: Only if my phone rings at 3am
4. Irritability: This has been going on for one day a month since I was 11.
5. Mood swings, sudden tears: I’ve had 2 major knee surgeries in 6 months. The mood swings aren’t that bad considering. The tears flow at times but who likes pain??
.6.Trouble sleeping through the night: I am an insomniac. I wouldn’t know the difference.
7.Irregular heavier periods or shorter periods: Of course, I got a combination...shorter, heavier. Hey, that sounds like me aging—shorter and heavier.
8. Loss of libido: This will never happen to me. I keep repeating this and believing in it. Losing my sense of humor and my libido would be dreadful.
9. Hair Growth: Not sure what this is about but there is a three letter word ladies: WAX
10. Crashing fatigue: Got it.
11 Anxiety, feeling ill at ease: Yes...I’m extremely anxious about getting all of these symptoms.
12.Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom: This is why people get feelings of doom...because they read these lists and panic. Not me. I write about them and laugh.
13.Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion: Isn’t that Alzheimer’s? I’m getting there.
14.Disturbing memory lapses: I’ve had this for years. I just make lists now.
15.Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing: I laugh often and haven’t peed my pants yet.
16.Itchy, crawly skin: I only get this when I see my ex-husband
17.Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons: This is the result of being on crutches for half a year, not menopause.
18.Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea: I will not allow this to happen.
19.Weight gain: This is something to look forward to!
20. Changes in body odor: I assume this doesn’t mean I’ll be smelling like Chanel No.5 ??

Hope everyone over 40 has just had their spirits uplifted!



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Amy L. Harden wrote Aug 28, 2008
    • You have brighten my day with your list! ROFL...uh-oh...Menopause symptom #15 just occurred!  

      Your approach to this phase of your life is extremely positive...entering in to the Second Act of your life Smiling is key!  But what do you mean that my new body odor isn’t Chanel No.5?  Note to self: make sure you take a shower again today!  Forgive me, I have been up for over 18 hours, couldn’t sleep last night.  I haven’t experienced the itchy crawly skin thing...I haven’t heard from the ex-husband in over 21 years!  As for the libido...no worries now...used to worry about this all the time...all my husband had to do was look at me and I would get pregnant (I have five kids and would have had twelve if I hadn’t miscarried)...now that ovulation is suspended...sex is now in my vocabulary again AND my hubby can look at me again.  He looked so stupid with those blinders on anyways!  Got to go...having a hot flash and I must take off the parka I put on a minute ago and stand in front of the fan!  happy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Phillips wrote Aug 28, 2008
    • I am laughing....you‘re GREAT!!!!! I feel like a true Gemini sometimes switching from FAN to COAT to FAN to COAT. I can’t decide if I’m hot or cold. My youngest daughter often says, “MOMMY! YOU‘RE ON FIRE AGAIN, RIGHT???”  Right! But wait two minutes and I’ll be freeeezing!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rrl965 wrote Oct 15, 2009
    • Ha!  I just read this, and THANK YOU! I love your wit and positive outlook on menopause. I thought the exact same thing, “oh, look, another word with ‘men’ in it!” You know, WE (women) have to go through this because no matter how hard they would try, a man just couldn’t handle everything a women goes through. I know God knew this then, and I grew to realize it. But I often ask HER, “why couldn’t it be just a little less irritating!?” (talking about being around my boyfriend as I go through this, of course...)
      Have a good one!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mzd3 wrote Oct 15, 2009
    • Well, this explains alot of whats going on .....thanks for the post. Now, what do we do about it?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Joni Marie wrote Oct 15, 2009
    • I love your response to #18 Gastrointestinal distress.  “I will not allow this to happen....”  That is SO funny.  I wish that would work for me.  Number #18 seems to be my most troublesome menopausal symptom.  Mind you, I used to have a stomach lined with steel, now I can’t eat a small bowl of noodles without farting my butt off!!  Ugh!



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