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My son just got married and this has got me thinking about what it means to be a mother-in-law. I searched for how to be a supportive mother-in-law on the internet and got all kinds of stories of mothers-in-law from hell, but what seemed to be lacking was advice on how to be "successful" as a mother-in-law. Here are some thoughts on how to accomplish that:
Establish and Respect Boundaries
Establish healthy boundaries for yourself and your home. When are good times for phone calls and visits; and are there any rules you would like them to respect when they are in your home. Respect their boundaries. When you are in their home respect their rules and ways of doing things. Don't show up unannounced, unless you have been encouraged to do so by your daughter or son-in-law.
Value Their Privacy
Remember their business is their business. Try not to put yourself in between your son or daughter and his or her partner. Be respectful and careful with your demands to spend time with your son or daughter. Their partner is now and should be their number one priority. Respect their need for time alone.
This Is Not A Competition
The fact that your son or daughter loves his or her partner does not mean that she or he loves you any less. It is important to deal with any negative, jealous or threatened feelings that you may have. Find ways to sooth those feelings yourself and turn them into acceptance. The more accepting you can be the stronger bonds you will build with this new little family. By trying to push your son or daughter-in-law away, you may inadvertently lose your daughter or son as well.
Keep Your Advice To Yourself, Unless Asked
If you want visits, be grateful and welcoming when they do visit and do not complain about how often or how long. Basically find ways to give sincere compliments and stop complaining. Bite your tongue when you feel like telling your daughter or son-in-law how to do things better or right. If you are kind and encouraging, you may find that he or she will ask for your advice sometime.
What if you don't like the person your son or daughter has chosen as a partner. Well this offers a perfect opportunity to stretch and grow. Choose to behave lovingly, even if you don't feel loving. It will get easier and in time you may find that you do love your son or daughter-in-law. If he or she really is a jerk or in some way bad for your son or daughter, they will come to that realization on their own, probably quicker if you are not constantly pointing out the faults in their loved one. Remember it hurts your son or daughter to hear complaints from you about his/her partner.
Here's to accepting the challenge to be a great mother-in-law.
"Hate is easy, love takes courage."
“GREAT POST!!!” Thanks for sharing. I have had my share of mother inlaws from hell lol so I think I know what NOT to do to follow in their foot steps lol.
Neicy!
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I have the best mother n law, she will set her son straight if he ever screws up!! LOL I love it!!
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I had a semi-hellish one. I wish someone could teach people not to be siblings-in-law from hell.
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Great Post! My son got married last August. Being a mother of just boys I was not sure how to communicate with my new daughter in law. I somtime talked to her like I did with my boys and came off a little insenitive to her feelings. So I asked her to help me to be a Mom to her. I love this young woman very dearly and so far we have had a wonderful relationship. She will soon be delivering my first grandchild next month. We have gone shopping for baby stuff together, gone to doctors appointment and so much more. I truly feel a bond with my new daughter.
Ok, so how can you keep from GETTING a mother-in-law from hell?
Actually, I struck gold...twice. My ex-husband’s mother and I still talk. She still calls me her daughter. She says I divorced him, not her. Great lady!
My current MIL is fabulous! She’s an antique dealer so my house has some of the most beautiful things - free. (she sees something she thinks I might like and picks it up as a surprise) We both love gardening so I get tips and flowers from her garden. We like the same books, movies, etc. We can bitch about our men. (my husband is exactly like his father, so I get tips on how to deal with him!)
She had 2 boys and always wanted a daughter. She calls me the daughter she never had and tells my husband if he ever divorces me, he’s out of the will and she gets custody of me. I know. I got lucky and I thank the universe every day for that. I married the love of my life and got a great friend in the bargain. I wish all women could have this relationship.
Lisa
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