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I have always been fascinated by how different we women all are. And amazingly, short or tall, skinny or fat, pretty or plain, each woman has something that men are drawn to.  I've always believed that looks didn't have a lot to do with it.  Sure they help, but believe it or not that is not necessarily sexy to every man.

I've asked David M. Matthewsto join me so that we might compare how similar (or different) the male and female viewpoints on this topic actually are. In case you haven't met David, or had a chance to read his "A Male's Perspective" column or read his book Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think,here is a chance to get into the mind of a man and see what he thinks.      

Is being confident an important part of a woman being sexy?

My Take:

Yes.  Confidence is what attracts a "normal" man beyond the physical characteristics. Men are attracted to women who are not afraid to talk about their goals, dreams and aspirations. In my opinion a woman who is poised, intelligent and has something to say, intrigues men.    

David's Take:

Don't be afraid to exude a confident manner.  You know how sexy you find confidence in a man. Well, a confident woman who is obviously comfortable in her own skin can be a real turn-on for the right guy.    

How important is appearance?

My Take:

If you don't feel attractive it will be apparent through your actions. Use what you have, and dress it up, but don't go overboard and don't wear anything to flashy or too open. Less is more.  

David's Take:

I've got a lot to say on this one. Since men are very visually oriented, how a woman looks is usually the first thing that arouses his sexual interest. And while there is no one particular look that all men find appealing, there are a few things that guys generally agree cause a tingling in their loins.  

And what are these visual "cues" that cause men to practically drool as they gaze in your direction?  First and foremost, you must look like a woman. Show off your shape. Don't hide it under layers of shapeless, baggy clothing, no matter how stylish or chic. We want to see your womanly form – that's sexy to us.  It doesn't matter if you don't fit the mold of what the fashion magazines say is the perfect bod. Those publications are generally not written by straight men, so they're woefully ill-equipped to make any assessment of what gets your average guy hot. Even if you're sporting a few extra pounds, the additional fleshiness simply gives you more curves...and we love curves – because generally we don't have them (beer bellies and love handles aside).  So let us see 'em.      

Don't be afraid to show off any and all of your best physical features. Show some cleavage (guys are nuts about boobs, as if you didn't already know that), the more the better, regardless of how bountiful your endowment. With today's wonderfully-engineered, cleavage-enhancing bras, any woman can now draw admiring attention to this popular male point-of-interest. And if you've got great legs, wear the shortest skirt you can stomach, and the tallest heals you can walk in without doing a pratfall.  If you've got a bitchin' butt, he should see it straining against some snug-fitting jeans. Nice, tight tummy? Flaunt it in his face. And unclip your hair and let it fall luxuriously to your shoulders (or beyond). A swept-up 'do may be "elegant" and "sophisticated," but flowing tresses are "hot." The key here is to take pride in your femininity – that which makes you appear to be most unlike us in our eyes.  Because the more you look like a woman, the more appealing you are to a man.      

Is there a particular attitude a woman can project that a man will find sexy?

My Take:

Be mysterious. Don't feel compelled to tell him your "whole story" on your first date, or the second, for that matter. Don't share your intimate secrets - the less he knows about you the more mysterious you are to him.  Be flirtatious, but at the same time shy and discreet.  And be positive.  No one wants to be around negative people. If you are upbeat, happy and cheerful, every man and woman will want to be your friend.  

David's Take:

Do you want to positively ooze an irresistible sexiness? Then smile. Showing off your "pearly-whites" lights up your whole face and makes you seem more approachable. And "approachable" is sexy. Also maintain eye-contact with the man with whom you're conversing.  It indicates your interest. And if you're interested, chances are good, so are we. And being upbeat and cheerful is far more attractive to most men than sullen and sarcastic. Your clever put-downs may make us laugh, but we may shy away from getting involved with you to avoid inevitably being on the other end of your venomous barbs.      

Is there anything else that might raise my level on the "sexy meter?"

My Take:

Don't always be available. Yes, dating has changed, and yes, men have changed, BUT, that doesn't mean we have to go with the flow. There are still men out there that do not text but call, pay the bill when taking you on a date without expecting you to pay your half, and court you just like your mother wanted you to be courted. Don't settle for less.  Remember, sexy is not about long legs, silky hair and a pretty face. It's about your inner beauty and your ability to deliver yourself. Love yourself and believe in yourself, and watch those men turn their heads and ask for your number.      

David's Take:

Like women, men are affected either positively or negatively by smells (though guys generally have a less highly-tuned olfactory sense). Wearing a not-too-overpowering, contemporary fragrance can make a definite, sexy impression on him. But be careful which scent you choose.  Avoid any perfume that some would call classic (spelled "dated"). Smell is the sense that is most-closely connected to memory, so if you douse yourself in something that reminds him of his mother, or worse, his grandmother, your aroma may have exactly the opposite of the desired effect. And finally, go light on the jewelry. Whether it's real or costume (like we'd know the difference), when a guy sees a woman dripping in bling, he will often make the assumption (rightly or wrongly) that she might be a wee bit high-maintenance. And no matter what you've heard, most guys don't find that a particularly sexy attribute.      

So there you have both female and male perspectives on what makes a woman sexy. And while hardly the definitive say-so on the matter, it does make for interesting "food-for-thought." So...what do you think?

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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Interesting thoughts. I’d be curious to know something else from a man’s perspective. The very things that originally attracted my husband to me seem to be bothersome to him now. I have a very independent spirit. At first he thought that was great. Now he feels I am not available enough for him. Also, I’m talkative and animated which he thought was cute. Now I see his eyes glazing over and he looks at his watch when I start talking. One more thing, I’m friendly. I talk to just about everyone. I smile at just about everyone. And, I’m not flirtatious. He used to find that charming. Now he thinks I pay more attention to other people than to him. It’s confusing.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Right Cynthia!
      My husband is/was attracted to my independent/strong/confident personality. Will he always?

      Great article and I enjoyed the 2 different perspectives.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Holly Beck wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Cynthia - I have found that to be true of myself in relationships, too - the very qualities that attracted me to my ex-husband were ultimately the ones that drove me crazy!

      This was wonderful - I enjoyed it and plan to refer back to the information often to remind me of what is sexy!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • A fun read with female/male viewpoints!

      Both very different and I have been trying to get my head around the male viewpoint now that I am back “out there“! In many ways, it is simply more direct and basic...and actually easier than thinking like a woman!! Who knew?? tongue out



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Great blog!  

      And if you really want to boost your ego, and feel absolutely gorgeous, regardless of shape, size, etc, get a boudoir photoshoot done. It’s too fun for words. You can book one with me if you want to!  

      Have a great day!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Paula Bertucci wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Great article...confidence is the key in life..period!!
      Think positive...show confidence and smile....and enjoy your life..whatever that means to YOU!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Safari wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Self-confidence.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Be yourself. Confidence is where it’s at. If you don’t have that it won’t matter what you look like. lol



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Danna wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Great perspectives - thank you!



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      Robi wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • I loved this.  I love hearing a man’s take on things.  Especially the physical part of what makes a woman sexy.  I think we are generally too hard on ourselves and those few extra pounds.  No matter what my shape, I always think I could be better.  It is nice to hear a man say just be sexy and embrace your curves.
      Confidence is what it is all about. I have had more men tell me that, but I thought they were just saying it because they thought that was what I wanted to hear.
      I like hearing it from an objective party—you should do more of this on the site.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Btcsweets wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • I think the whole attraction thing is fascinating.  I find the jewelry reference interesting too.

      Isn’t it strange how what initially attracts is often quite different than  what sustains a relationship?    If only things were simpler.   I’ve been reading the Twilight series and sometimes I think love with a Vampire seems less frought with challenges than love over the long haul with a real man.   Hang in there Cynthia, they need us to pull out the best in them...and hopefully they do the same for us (most of the time!).

      And Yana, the reference to being positive and confident is so true.   Exude joy and it’s contagious, to men and women alike.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Smiley1962 wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Thanks for sharing, I agree confidence is what it is mostly about.



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      Encee wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Men do love our bodies and will always love women with long hair.  I don’t care if I live to be 100.  I’m not cutting it off!  

      Great point about the women’s fashion magazines!  Straight men really don’t contribute very much do they?



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      Deprogrammed wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • His perspective made me wonder - put it all on display?  I’m not sure I would want to attract a man who cannot appreciate subtlety...usually, after they’ve “got” you, the first thing they want you to do is cover up.  Ultimately, this is the view of what ONE man wants, not men in general.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Wendiful wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Wow that is some good insight.  I have been dating for a few months now and it is so true what you have said.  I am just me take it or leave it I am not a barbie doll but very confident with my body.  I do not consider myself beautiful but my phone always rings with a date offer.  Be yourself ladies and be a woman if you got it then be proud of your femine assets.  Don’t forget the men they like compliments too bust their ego if you want that second date.  The more of woman you are the more they want to come back to see you.  Oh that goes for you woman that are married make sure you stay sexy that means even when you wake up and your hair is a mess he will find that sexy too because you real.  A lesson I learned the hard way I was married almost 24 yrs forgot that my husband still wanted me to be sexy, don’t fall into that trap keep him wanting more. Thanks for letting me leave my comment have a wonerful week great week for the low cut dresses. LOL
      Wendy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jrpcat wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Great and interesting read! However, I WISH men took as much time to get to know WHAT WE LIKE/NEED!!  Women usually don’t have a problem gaining WISDOM on men and putting it into practice!! I believe if MEN took the time to do the same, we would have/keep more meaningful relationship! Still, great subject and conversation piece!  Thanks!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michael Madden DC wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • In response to Chocolalier’s comment, A Psychologist once told me to pay very close attention to what initially attracts you to someone because many times, it will be the thing that drives you away later. At first, someone that’s quiet seems deep and demure but later someone finds that uninteresting and boring. At first someone seems worldly and sophisticated but later it seems like they’ve “been around” too much. At first their stories seem fascinating and insightful but later they sound so self-indulgent and egocentric. It’s not “them” that have changed, it’s you and your perception. Figure out why it is that those attributes attract you; do you think  you‘re lacking them, do you think you’d like to be more like that etc. Then talk about it, talk about it and then talk about it some more. Being interested is always more sexy than being interesting.
      And he’s right about the jewelry too.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Richardson wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • LOL, great observations on the man’s view of us thanks Yana for the posting will have to take some of the pointers into considerations as well.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jane Woods wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Did you know the words we use actually only account for 7% of how a message is received? Voice 38% Appearance a whopping 55%! Check your photo....Yana yours is way too sexy! Go girl!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jrpcat wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • changingpeople what percent does words account for?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mjmurphy wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Thanks for another great post Yana! I apperciate David’s insights, I recently stumbled upon the fact that men like to see the shape of your body. There are many women where I work that have far from perfect bodies but wear clothes that cling. I realized that they were getting all the attention, even more so than the thin women dressed the same. When these women confidently walk by the heads turn, men definitely like curves!



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      Southernbelle1 wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • These are some great insights from different perspectives. I’ll have to remember these tips and put them to good use.  Yana, thanks for such an interesting article!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Carine Nadel wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Don’t we women have very different tastes about what we think is sexy?  One friend thought Charles Bronson was a hunk-me?  I thought, ICK, big time.

      I go for eyes and voice, others go for bods.

      why should men be different?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Womensafety wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Great in site Would love to here what women think of men on the same info.  

      chocolatier My father used to tell my husband when he complained “That is the reason you fell in love with her”

      What you fall in love with is what you hate in the end.  

      Love the Article and will post in my Salon.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • It’s always disappointing to me to read that big boobs are a big deal to men, since no matter how much I weigh my boobs do not seem to gain! But, thankfully, my hubby doesn’t not seem to mind!

      Maybe we’d all do well to paraphrase Forrest Gump with “Sexy is as sexy does“? I have to believe it first, right?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Janey07 wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • I am curious as to where all this confidence comes from if you haven’t gotten much attention from men.  I didn’t even date until I was 19 years old and for years I was told I wasn’t pretty.  Of course I felt insecure around men and just assumed they didn’t find me sexy.  They may have liked me, but they didn’t find me sexy.  Many years later I was told I was very attractive and had a great body, but the damage had been done and it was hard for me to see myself this way.

      So I wonder how women manage to just ‘get confidence’ before they get feedback?  It’s sort of a chicken and egg thing isn’t it..what comes first the man or the confidence?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      David M. Matthews wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • It is so true that we repeatedly see that "what initially attracts us to someone else, ultimately repels us."  Perhaps that is why, "familiarity breeds contempt."  Or maybe this behavior is what prompted the saying, "Be careful what you ask for."  In any case, both men and women tend to be charmed by certain things that as time passes they find far less charming.  A notable exception to this – for men, is your appearance.  Whatever physical features we were first drawn to will continue to be a source of lustful thoughts for us as the years go by.  If your legs grabbed our attention when first you sauntered into our lives, our ongoing affection for them is likely to continue undiminished.  If we were entranced by your breasts, our attraction to them will not tend to dissipate over time.  If the sight of your butt rocked our world, we'll still be rockin' in the future whenever your hind quarters insinuate themselves into our line of sight.  Of course, if your physical appearance radically changes over time, that  can have an impact.  But barring that, your guy is probably still getting all hot and bothered by the same bodily accoutrements that originally caused him to cast a lustful eye in your direction.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Thisliferox wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • This was fun - thanks for the insights!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marya1961 wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • I can honestly say my husband was attracted to my quirkiness and mysterious ways...he still never knows what I will do next..tongue out



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      Perfectpen wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • I’m so with you girlfriend.  It seems we have the same problem.  How long have you been married? After 21 years, whenever I start a “story“, he only wants the condensed (is there a point to this) version. Yet, he calls constantly wanting to know what’s going on...personally I think it’s out of boredom more than actually wanting to know the answer. THe whole body image thing is right on the money though Dave...after 3 kids I look better than ever and he has let himself go. Obviously this comes into play whenever I even talk to another guy...and I’m a very friendly sort.  Why are they so quick to insist that we maintain ourselves for them if they‘re not willing to do the same?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Petula Wright wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Very good article... I enjoyed reading the two perspectives and I am glad that I wasn’t too far off in what I was thinking. :)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Pjmid wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Interesting....it is true that men are very visual. When I wear something form-fitting or short I’m still amazed at the attention I get.happy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cassiopeia wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Great piece!  I enjoyed this.  Thanks!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      PJ Anderson Brown Bag Party wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • When I do my romance parties, one of my first lines is something like, “when a woman feels good about herself, it shows! It shows from the bedroom to the boardroom to the ballfield. And when a woman is confident, people are drawn to them like moths to light. People want to be near them and want to be like them.”  And it’s true!  

      As for the men who have started to get glassy eyed when we tell them a story, who knows.  They don’t hear themselves when WE have to hear their same stale jokes year after year, party after party!  LOL!  But the love affair can still be there!  I feel like there is a certain comfort  level that men can fall into in a marriage.  I’m comstantly, jokingly telling my husband that we need to keep it exciting and not fall into too much of a rut or “caretaking” mode. I tell him that I don’t want to be a mother figure to him because men don’t “boink” their mothers!!  And believe me, this can happen!  

      And to Encee, I’m with ya on the hair thing!  I keep mine mid back and will for as long as possible! The guys love it!!  LOL!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Positivepris wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Great ,very good point.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • I was always a take it or leave kind of girl. 6’ tall, thin with attitude! lol
      I never had problems attracting men ....short men always said, tall but worth the climb.
      And that was in my levis 501, boots and t shirts.
      but i always smelled good and made sure my hair was nice.
      Long or short hair hair never mattered either.  

      I think it is about how we walk into a room and the confidence we have in ourselves.

      now being in a wheelchair it sucks, but hey i got my man!! lol



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mjmurphy wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • I doubt that chair matters Mz Tracy. I went out with a guy in a wheelchair and he was HOT!! Looked like Johnny Depp but was 6‘4‘. Between him being so tall and the confidence he has, I really didn’t notice he was sitting down all the time. Ever try dancing with that chair?..he had a racing type chair and would pop wheelies and spin around in it, so much fun!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Apr 28, 2009
    • Great post.  I would like to see more articles in this fashion and manner.  

      p.s. I am glad my man likes rear better than front head lights - I am safe so far.  happy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Giz2000 wrote Apr 29, 2009
    • I have to disagree with the comment that all men love women with long hair..my husband doesn’t!  Besides, my hair looks like crap when it’s past my shoulders, so I usually keep it on the shorter side...but trendy and edgy (but not too much!!).  I look a 100% better with shorter hair.  There are some women who really shouldn’t wear their hair long...but to each his own.

      That being said, I think when a woman recognizes what works for her and makes the best of what she’s got, it projects to the rest of the world.  I totally agree with David’s statement of looking like a woman and flaunting your best features..why not?  I don’t mean to walk around with your boobs hanging out or anything like that...just accent the positives!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linda Hendricks wrote Apr 29, 2009
    • Great post! Totally enjoyed it...

      I think confidence is 90% of it... I knew a girl in college and she was a bit heavy... when you really looked at her features... they weren’t great... but she took care of herself, dressed nicely... was fun and confident.. she thought she looked fabulous.. and then so did the guys... and the girls... I learned a lot from her

      I’m also with Cynthia on her points...

      You‘re right... and hit everyone of my things too... completely confusing.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Giz2000 wrote Apr 29, 2009
    • Two thumbs up to you!!!



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