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Today was one to be chalked up as the difficult. I’m missing him but I’m not missing what I’d come home to on his drunken and drugged up moods. Nope, I don’t miss that at all. I miss the guy that gave me the gentle kisses, the encouragement, the one I played cribbage with an lost to frequently, that guy that made me laugh not because he had to but because he wanted to.  

I’ve been through a lot in my 40 years but this really has been hard....really, really hard.

Tonight on my way home from work my mom and I were talking  about this past dad had a heart attack on my 39th birthday in May 2010, then after many tests and medications he was diagnosed with prostate cancer (which by the way is in remission! THANK GOD!!!) then my mom had a abnormal pap but fortunately that turned out okay, my brother was diagnosed with severe diabetes...I got engaged in January, Febraury my grandma who I wasn’t close with passed away, April my other grandma gets put into the nursing home and she passes away the end of August and then the break up of my fiance and I. So yes, it’s been quite a year and seriously you couldn’t write this stuff as this is my life.  

The crazy part of it all is I’m better, yes at times I’m running on fumes but I’m okay. I’ve lost, I’ve loved and in time I’ll be able to love again this I am sure of. It’s amazing to me how we are resiliant even when there are so many ruts, bumps and valleys thrown in our path we still manage to get through it sometimes at a slower pace than before.  

I know my grandma that recently passed away would be so very proud of me. She instilled so much integrity, character and love in me...and for that I am so grateful. My ex fiance he came from abnormalcy and I really think that at times it’s really hard to rise above not having the love and support of a family and truly realizes yes, that’s nice but if I’m not getting it from my family I can find it on my own....or can you?  

I’m a psyche student by night and I often wonder how come someone that can have the same bad circumstances happen to them yet they are okay and the next person isn’t okay. I really, really think the way you were raised and what you were taught makes such a difference in how you are able to cope and deal with lifes little bumps along the way.  

As I started to write tonight, I felt so down and now remembering what my grandma was and feeling her strength within me, I’m okay. I’m a little sad but as my grandma would always tell me “my sweet baby dumplings, this with time will too come to pass“ isn’t that the truth?  

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