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I'm surprised I haven't been tarred and feathered yet. Yes, it's true. I've never had a cup of coffee. Ever. I'm 45 years old and I am the Last American Coffee Virgin.

I don’t even know how to MAKE coffee...I tried it once. I tried to impress someone I was dating by saying I knew how to make a great cup of coffee. I even went out and bought a nice looking coffee maker. How did I know that it needed a filter? I did not go to Juan Valdez University.

Speaking of Juan Valdez...he’s not real. I know this is a major disappointment for many of you, but since the 1960’s this coffee icon is just an over paid actor. He’s probably Irish and they use stage make-up to create the rugged, mustachioed icon of Colombian. Hey, maybe his donkey isn’t even a donkey. I heard my ex-husband was trying out for a bit part in a commercial. Oh, wait, he’s already an ass...he doesn’t need to try out for it! (Ohhhh that was as bitter as a coffee bean. I need a verbal spanking for that one!)

Back to Juan for one more minute (Juan more minute??)...he makes coffee seem so glamorous. The TV commercials ask, “Where do the beans come from?” and Juan Valdez answers, strolling through lushly planted hills, “I hand-picked them myself.” Damned hard working guy he was picking all those beans by himself to keep up with the millions of cups of coffee people drink every day! I think he must work harder than that little troll that used to “make the donuts” at Dunkin Donuts...what was his name anyway? I’m sure he made the coffee, too, but he didn’t hand pick the beans.

Coffee just doesn’t appeal to me. I ate coffee ice cream as a kid and that was really the closest I got to a big cup ‘o Joe. Something about a hot cup of anything that smells as bitter and overwhelming as coffee is just not what I want to wake up to. Remember (if you‘re old enough) that commercial jingle, “The best part of waking up is Folger’s in your cup“? I beg to differ. To me, the best part of waking up is the sheer fact that I have a pulse after 23 years of being a mother.

Not drinking coffee is like having three heads. When people find out I’ve never had a cup, they ask me if I’ve ever thought about having myself checked out. Checked out? I don’t think it’s odd that running hot coffee bean juice through my veins doesn’t turn me on. Neither does smoking a cigarette. I’ve never done that either. I’m thinking the sheer fact that I have five children is enough to prove I’m not a total virgin. Just the coffee and cigarettes part. OH CRAP. I’ve never had a beer either. I’m starting to sound like a real fun chick. No beer, no cigarettes, no coffee. But she’s had sex at least five times in her life. OK. Let’s have her head examined.

I don’t think I have a “Coffee Chick” image. I just can’t imagine myself walking into Starbucks and asking for a “Grande Mocha Choca Latte with Skim Milk ” when it’s really just a medium sized cup of over-priced coffee. I know, free internet service with 40 of your closest friend/over-priced coffee drinkers, too. Big bonus. By the way, does “Venti” really mean large and why do they call a small cup of coffee a “Tall“? I don’t want to think that hard when I order something. I want a tall but it’s really small, so I ask for a grande but it’s smaller than a large (I mean “Venti“)? NO WONDER PEOPLE DRINK COFFEE!! They are utterly exhausted after figuring out how to decode Starbucks Coffee Language. I need a teleprompter to help me out.

So, I remain a coffee virgin. I’m pretty proud of my status but it’s not like I wear a coffee chastity belt...I just have no interest in having a cup or four like everyone else. I’ve got insomnia as it is and I’m not known for being sedentary...so I can only imagine that drinking that bitter smelling brown liquid would just turn me into the Energizer Bunny on crack. I’ll pass on that...because I’m a crack virgin, too.



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Swag wrote Sep 12, 2008
    • I think you’ve trapped yourself. It’s like my sister who proudly says she’s never seen any of the “Star Wars” movies. To even sample a bit now seems like treason, eh? Unfortunately, however, you‘re defining yourself and your life by what you don’t do rather than by what you do.

      But I’ll let you in on a secret: most people don’t like coffee. The reason we have lattes and buckets of pumpkin-pie-flavored Cool Whip sold at places like Starbucks reflects that, because it sure as heck ain’t coffee. Many of these coffee chains make a living on making people who don’t like coffee believe that they actually do.

      Even for those who like coffee, can you blame them? Most coffee is stale and few have ever tasted a proper cup (not that very many would convert even if they did).

      Oh, and re: “Latte is French for you paid too much for that coffee“? Well, “latte” isn’t even French. It’s Italian for “milk“. And it underscores how coffee really has nothing to do with it.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lisa Cohen wrote Sep 13, 2008
    • i was nearly a coffee virgin, but after my recent trip to Greece, I am now a coffee drinker...almost made it 43 yrs.  Juan Valdez may be fictional, but my willingness to drive to the store for the sole purpose of getting some fresh organic fair trade coffee is very real.  Gotta go...cuppa coffee awaits!  namaste, Lisa



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Wife2gregg wrote Sep 14, 2008
    • I’m a coffee virgin too...I literally woke up this morning wishing I drank it (for the caffeine) and wondering if I put enough of those flavored creamers in it, could I stand it?!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Phillips wrote Sep 14, 2008
    • Ha! Every day I wish I could drink coffee and get the energy that others do. Just can’t imagine trying to stomach it. I’ve tried Pepsi and got addicted...that wasn’t good!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rome828 wrote Sep 14, 2008
    • Well...I am not a coffee virgin, but I just dont drink it..love the way it smells though! Sometimes in the winter, I may drink a cup of coffee..but got to have cream and sugar!  Now, my son, he is a starbucks addict! and only 26!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Darling2u wrote Sep 14, 2008
    • Well I guess if you‘re a coffee virgin, I’m the coffee whore!! lol! I absolutely LOVE coffee!! It’s interesting because back in 2005 I had surgery to remove my tonsils and uvula (balls and ding-a-ling in the back of your mouth) and was given too much anesthesia...lost my sense of smell and taste but guess what? I can smell coffee no matter how far away it is! I think its psychological but in the end I really think its God’s little way of spoiling me..since I am His favorite..lol! ( love saying that!!) I really enjoy your article and wish continued success in all your endeavors!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Phillips wrote Sep 15, 2008
    • I’m almost inspired to start drinking coffee. Not a very good aspiration for an insomniac!!!!

      I love that line “since I am His favorite“, darling2u!!!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anne E wrote Oct 22, 2009
    • I’ve never had coffee or a beer either!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Oct 22, 2009
    • It's interesting my daughter is 23 and she has never had coffee or tea and it seems she is not alone within her age group in the UK and now it's affecting all the Starbucks, Cafe Nero's, Prêt a Manger coffee houses which have sprung up on every street corner as this demographic should be drinking and we the older customer are moving away due to high prices and the fact your coffee isn't actually nice – I hate Starbucks in the UK but do admit to being a Prêt addict when I'm out ......



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