Don't have an account? To participate in discussions consider signing up or signing in
facebook connect
Sign-up, its free! Close [x]

Benefits

  • okay Create lasting relationships with other like minded women.
  • okay Blogging, let your voice be heard!
  • okay Interact with other women through blogs,questions and groups.
  • okay Photo Album, upload your most recent vacation pictures.
  • okay Contests, Free weekly prize drawing.
  • okay Weekly Newsletter.

+24
Love it

Whose Job Is It Anyway?

My children were very social from an early age. At first, I arranged the play dates and made sure everyone showed up on time. But as the children got older and their friends began to show up at my doorstep on their own, I soon learned that if I didn't enforce certain rules I would lose control of the household. With my husband traveling 50 percent of the time, it was a lot of kids and only one of me.

I expected every child to ring the bell, regardless of whether our door was open or not. I also expected every child to say hello and introduce themselves if I didn't know them. When I began kicking kids out who walked in without saying hello, I quickly became known as the wicked witch of the west.  

discipline At our house, it was definitely "my way or the highway." I refused to let anyone visit unless they followed our rules, which included eating in the kitchen, washing their hands and behaving in a normal manner. Needless to say, I didn't make a lot of friends in the neighborhood. I even had several parents call, outraged that I didn't let their child in the house just because they refused to say hello. Those who "got it" practically lived in my house, and now call me "mama Yana." Those that didn't are still not allowed in.

As our children's friends morphed into teenagers, I was the one who took out their piercings and cautioned that tattoos are permanent. I was the one who held them when they cried over breakups. My husband and I were the ones who took care of them when they showed up at our house drunk and sick because they were too afraid to go home. When their parents threw them out, it was our house they lived in. And it was me they listened to as I lectured day after day, sounding like a broken record, endlessly repeating the values that had been instilled in me.

When they went off to college and came home for winter or summer break, it was our house they rushed to right from the airport. They couldn't wait to fill us in on their latest accomplishments, and my husband and I took great pride in watching them learn to take responsibility for their own lives. Of course, some of them stumbled in the process, but with time they picked up where they left off and started over. It was hard watching them make bad choices and then pay a heavy price, but it was all part of growing up.

With our three older kids, I never got tired of repeating right from wrong. I never lost my enthusiasm for pointing out that "this you do and that you don't." But somewhere along the line my patience and persistence got worn down.  Now I feel like it's someone else's turn.

Recently we took a trip with our kids and their friends, most of who had grown up in our house and knew the rules. However, our youngest daughter brought a friend that she recently met. The difference soon became obvious.

The trip was full of fun and laughter, with all the older kids picking on me as I used to pick on them. They recalled how I drove them mad with all my rules, and how they were petrified of my husband and me. It warmed my heart to see how they had turned out, as I felt they were all our kids and that I would do anything for them.  

The next day, however, I realized that my daughter's new friend was not blending well within my perfect picture. She was not accustomed to cleaning up after herself or helping out with chores (one of my cardinal rules), and her demeanor did not fit well within our family.  

That night I told my husband that I was upset we brought her with us, that she was interfering with our synergy. My husband, the saint, reminded me that she was "new," and that we needed to teach her as we did the other kids, that it would take time, and blah, blah, blah.  

Before he could finish his sentence I abruptly proclaimed, "I'm done! I'm sick and tired of preaching and lecturing. I'm tired of being the wicked witch. And I'm tired of constantly pointing out right from wrong."  

The good thing is, I no longer have to do these things. Our kids are well-behaved adults, and our job is done. So do I really need to do this again? Do I even want to? The answer was apparent before I even asked the question. Absolutely not!  

I asked this 10 years ago, and now I'm asking again: when are parents going to start taking responsibility and teach their children the basics of good manners and appropriate etiquette? Why do I have to be the one to keep pointing out that "please," "hello," "thank you" and other common courtesies should be part of everyone's disposition?  

In our society, courtesy and respect seem to be in very short supply. Not to mention an appalling lack of manners. It didn't used to be this way. But unless someone teaches them, the younger generation cannot learn these important life skills on their own.

So I ask you again, whose job is it anyway?

+24
Love it


  •  

Member Comments

    • +2 votes vote up vote up

      Laurie Zieber wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • I’m telling you- we need to be teaching “The Mom Face” to the younger women...  

      I have also observed that many of the younger women who are becoming mothers either don’t have The Mom Face or they don’t know how to use it!



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Have you visited my confessional question yet?  Stop being perfect, my dear. XOXO



            Report  Reply


    • +2 votes vote up vote up

      Deb Darby wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Yana, I’m worn out just READING this! Unfortunately, I completely understand what you‘re saying, and I was already exhausted. One difference between us. When my kids friends were too afraid to go home, my OWN kids got the word that they were not invited back until they worked on their relationship with their parents.
      Signed, Mrs. Bad Guy



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Maralyn wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • As someone who travels globally on a regular basis, it is manners and courtesy that result in the invitations to speak, judge contests, and in general have success.

      My age would reflect my strong belief in manners and respect and thank you notes. However, they work.

      Many people I meet are an embarrassment and do not get re-invited to certain activities and functions.

      Unfortunately, many young parents have not been taught manners or respect. However, it is time for them to learn if they want their children to succeed in life in business.  

      Is it difficult to wear so many hats, yes. But, when you take on parenting it goes with the territory and you learn to juggle more. Is it fun being the witch or stickler, no. Do your children and their friends respect you for your rules, usually.

      My children are now 38 and 41 and I’ve a granddaughter 19 who just calls to talk. I’ve close relationships with all and believe me, they were held to high expectations along with their friends.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Randee36 wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • I am so glad that this conversation came up. It is definatly the job of parents to instilled disipline in their children. Parents these days are so consumed with work and personal relationships and everything else outside of rearing there children. Speaking as a young single mother, i am consumed with guilt about not always being there when he leaves for school and when he gets home that at the end of the day he’s running wild and i’m scared to lay down the law for fear of hurting his feeling and in the interum i am creating a little monster. I do however work very hard to teach him right from wrong and i’m just praying that he’s taken something from what i’ve teached him.  I agree that it takes a village but really at the end of the day it really is the responsibilty of the parents. GOD Bless.happy



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Plumeria wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Dear Yana I just read and re read your open thoughts and it is absoultly my feelings.. and have also been exactly where you are at this moment in time.. I feel elated.. I have zero respect for the parents that do not parent and we have to help out because that is the right thing to do in life.. But guess what your done and that is right too.
      Now celebrate and move onward to other “jobs” you want to do.
      sista Nancy



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Leah Curry wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • I don’t have any children so I have never really been involved in the teaching. One thing that I did notice is that in regards to parents that I know if they supported their children by attended their events or consistently wanted to know the result of something that their child was involved in. Also consistently saying something when they felt their child was being rude their children grew to be extremely well adjusted adults. Winning scholarships and having manners.  

      However, the parents that did not support their child in all their endeavors and did not consistently speak up when they felt their child was being rude or at times laughing at something obnoxious their child did. Unfortunately, I could see that their children were not as strong in school, not as social and one even dropping out of High School. However, they are just as smart as their peers, but lacking in manners.  

      In both cases I did pat their kids on the back when informed of their accomplishments and let them know how important education is. What I didn’t do is teach them manners because they always say hi to me. I did let them know if a heard a comment being said about anyone that wasn’t very nice and of course I have heard all the excuses on why a negative comment is made.

      I have to admit that although highly respect the rights of everyone I have also been the one who doesn’t say hi to everyone in general. I am very uncomfortable around people I do not know and I don’t know if I can pin that on my own upbringing. I also do not hug people not even my own parents, although my mother says that I use to when I was very young. However, if someone was to answer the door and I wanted to enter I would politely let them know why I was at their door and who I wanted to see. I don’t remember always saying hi.  

      After reading this I think manners do need to be taught and then reinforced by society. Personality is a whole different story and at times can hinder the mannerism that we do have. Didn’t mean to write a book but once I got started it just poured out.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Very good read! And I agree with you 100%. My kids and their friends knew the rules and if they didn’t want to adhere they didn’t have to come over.
      I watch both of nieces struggle with some of the things they grew up on. Between them they have 7 kids. While I love my great nieces and nephews I am stricter with them then their own parents. Of course my grown nieces won’t say a thing when I step in they know the rules. They just forgot to reinforce them themselves.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Randee36 wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • One more thing. I was recently hookup with a blind date. We spoke on the phone a few days and decided to meet for dinner.  After about a few hours with him i decided never to see him again. He was the most rude person that i’ve ever met. There was never one thank you or please. When i mentioned it he got really annoyed and did not understand why it was so important to say thank you or may i. So guess what, if he thought so little of the little things can you imagine what his option would be on the really big things. So i decided never to see him again.  

      One word for the loser. Time to Grow up and learn some manners



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Jschadler wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • estaticYana you are so right. I just wished i had the strong back to make sure everyone followed thru..as you most certainly did.



            Report  Reply


    • -3 votes vote up vote up

      Goldsbabe wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Wow, you are something else.  I don't have near the energy for all that.  While I completely agree, we as parents should teach our own children the proper way to behave by *example*.  I'm not sure screaming, not allowing children in the house and being the tyrant mother of the neighborhood is how I would/did handle it.  I have three grown children and recently added a 4 year old into my home.  I've learned, with the help of my new addition, that living a life full of love and acceptance is the way to raise happy, mannerly and kind human beings.  While I would not be so bold as to assume my way is the only way, it certainly is calmer where I live.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Applec wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • You are so right. Unfortunately, I find the parents of those kids lacking manners, are not the most courteous, thoughtful people themselves.  A “thank you“, a “just called to say hello” phone call, a polite “excuse me” when bumping into someone,...etc.  does it REALLY take that much time and effort?
      Don’t get discouraged because there will always be those who exhaust us but then again, there are many who make us smile.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Tina Sickinger wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Yana - One good message!

      I, too, was the one the kids friends came to. My husband always called me ‘the kool-aid Mom‘, because all of their friends LIVED at our house when they were growing up, and like you, I made then follow my rules and I tried to lead and guide them, as they obviously did not get that at home.

      You do get tired. Just our own daily responsibilites make us tired and as you grow older, you need more time to relax and reflect as opposed to continuing to take on the responsibilities of the world.

      Parents today are just simply too selfish in my opinion to take the time to put their children and their guidance first. They go about their day, busy as they are, and don’t take the time to teach their kids basic respect and courtesy needed to be descent human beings. They are usually too busy worrying about getting ahead and, unfortunately, this day and age, just getting by.

      Sometimes, however, no matter what we do, kids still take wrong turns. My oldest daughter did, and now I am raising one of my grandchildren. I get to do it all over again. Will I get aggravated? YES! Will I complain to my husband about it? YES! Will I take all of her friends in and teach them respect and our ways of doing things and give them shelter when they need it? YES! Will I live to regret it? NO! NEVER! Because I love her and I want her to know that and to grow up feeling that I tried to be there and give her and the ones she loves the best life I could.

      Just how I feel

      GOD Bless.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Susan Dahringer wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Yana,

      Well, if the child is a first time visitor to your home,please tell her that what ever rules that applies at her house doesn’t apply at yours. Give them the lowdown on what goes on.Enforce those rules to everyone..It’s not you‘re being the wicked witch or being mean.When things get damaged or spilled who has to clean it up,not them.



            Report  Reply


    • +2 votes vote up vote up

      Johomom wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • I’m a firm believer in “It takes a village“.  There is no one perfect parent so if a child can take something from all the influential adults they come across over the course of their childhood, the more well rounded they will be.  

      Lead by example.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • You‘re my role model too, Yana for this type of thing. And now that we have a primary role in the raising of our granddaughter, I’m hanging on your every word!!! I didn’t raise children of my own so this 3 1/2year old sometimes leaves me scratching my head. Thank you for opening this dialog.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Jodi Geiger wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • How hard is it to say Thank you, please and Your welcome, Excuse me and the likes? Doesn’t everyone learn this at an early age and here it in school.
      Thank you for listening, and please have a beautiful day, I welcome all of you as friends, and excuse me if this is an not a good time for you.
      Peace out..................happy
      Jodi



            Report  Reply


    • -1 votes vote up vote up

      Serenity26 wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • HIya .. I agree and disagree .. Yes it is up tothe parents but sadly to sayy some parents shouldnt be parents . so purhaps if more adults stepped up n tried to help kids . maybe we wouldnt have the probs we have .. should not take a blood parent tohelp a child .. it can be someone elses parent .. a friend .. a counselor .



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Berenice Strnot wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • I totally agree with you!! I did child day care for 6yrs (so I could stay with our child) and all of “my” kids still call, knock,or walk in AND say something to me BEFORE going to Beth!! Their parents aren’t like that, but love(?) the fact that I taught them respect!! Some are away in collage and when they come home, they call first(after talking to Beth). Parents need to teach that to their kids—that will soon become adults someday—-everyday respect!!



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Richardson wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Wonderful post Yana! I for one am a firm believer that if you are a parent YOU!, should be raising and teaching your own children the importance of values, morals and respect in life for others. Yes there used to be a time where it took a village to raise a child, but society has gotten away from that! And that is so very sad in my opinion, not everyone who is a parent knows how to be one so we used to could reach out to receive a helping hand, but in today’s world people are so crazy and mixed up with what it means to raise, teach and discipline children today, it seems the roles in many households have reversed where the children have taken over and are telling the parents what to do.  

      I have never and will never respect any child who has none for me, and don’t mind putting them in their place whether the parent likes it or not (and I have been there a few times before) but someone, somewhere has to step up and show these kids today that they can not go around thinking and feeling they can do what they want to do to anyone, just because they get away with it at home, you spare the rod you spoil the child, and later their either dead, or locked up!



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Susan Dahringer wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • My answer to your question Yana, is your daughter’s friend’s parents to remind her to always be mindful and most of all, respectful.. The first impression is an everlasting one.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Angell Villafañe wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Yana...your blog brought to mind a passage I read not too long ago.

      Children Learn What They Live
      By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

      If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
      If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
      If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
      If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
      If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
      If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
      If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
      If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
      If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
      If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
      If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
      If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
      If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
      If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
      If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
      If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
      If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
      If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
      If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

      I believe it is ALL parents responsibility to teach their children right from wrong, teach them manners and respect and teach them to love one another. I also believe it is all of our responsibility to step in and teach children as we see the need. Ever hear the saying...it takes a village to raise a child...I trulty believe that. A child could learn alot from another adult that they may not have learned at home. Yana...you did a wonderful thing teaching those children. happy



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Susan Haley wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Amazing! You can tell this is a website where the biggest share of the participants are mature women over forty with a level of intelligence. I think all of us are in state of perpetual shock at the way values have changed over a couple of generations. I’m often overwhelmed by it as I go out and about in the course of my writing and working with writers. As Maralyn has attested above.

      There has been a drastic culture change. I’m not sure anymore what exactly is the root cause. I’m more inclined to think it’s a plethora of things that soared out of control. But, the truth remains apparent. It all begins with the breakdown of the family and values and responsibilities taught and ‘shown’ at home. Just exactly when and why that become the standard course of events would take ten books to explore! And would it even do any good? People don’t critically think anymore!

      Yana, you are a blessing as are many of the women here. And, yes, I’d say you’d done your share. Let the kids take over now. Culture will either correct itself or it will disintigrate.

      Regards to all,
      Susan Haley



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lazylola wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Yana, this is such a timely post, I just got back from lunch with two young men that are like my own. My oldest son is like me in so many ways, taking in stray kids, he used to timidly ask if his friends could spend the night, next thing you know they are staying a few nights, few weeks, months. at the time I was recently divorced, struggling with 3 kids, living in a two bedroom apartment, converted the dining area into the third bedroom so my oldest could have his own space away from his younger brothers. One of these young men had a father in prison and a mother with no interest, when I had him call her to let her know where he was and ask if he could stay over she hung up on him, I tried calling her repeatedly until she finally answered, she didn’t care and had no problem telling me so. Where I struggled to feed 4 of us I managed to feed 5, then 6 then more...good thing beans and rice go a long way. They are now out on their own, they visit me, they call and check on me, they will do anything they can for me. The call me mom, one calls me Grandma, as my oldest “adopted” him. For mother’s day they competed to be the first to call me and wish me a great day. Sometimes it was overwhelming, and even now being a single parent is hard, but my younger boys have so many big brothers and even big sisters that come over to visit and take them places. Yes, along the way I had to be the mean mom and enforce rules, teach rules, lay down the law, kick them out...but I wouldn’t trade the experience. I am sure along the way I will play mom to more boys...

      Thanks for sharing your experience and don’t feel guilt for feeling tired of doing this, we all get tired, even with just our own. I have no problem fessing up to being exhausted and also appalled by the lack of manners and respect, but I don’t put it on the kids, I just cuss out their parents...(just kidding, a little)estatic



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tanna Boran wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Yana, I love everything you did.  I hope that instilling manners and decorum in your kinds one day comes into vogue again.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anne Lyken-Garner wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Definitely the parents!

      At the moment I’m preparing a proposal for a book I’ve written called ‘Raising Kids to be Responsible Adults.’ Your piece could’ve come straight out of it.

      I’m there with you, Yana. However, in many cases it’s left up to adults like you to take care of the kids their parents and the world has left behind.

      I didn’t live with my parents when I was a child, but it was adults like you (one teacher in particular) who made the difference in my life.

      You’ve done a good thing. Don’t stop now. One day in the future, this little ‘new’ girl could be looking back and remembering the only woman who bothered to correct her when she didn’t pick up after herself.

      This topic is so fresh in my mind because incidentally, I’m just writing about it. Both from a professional and a personal point of view.
      Anne



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Stephanie Carr wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • It takes a village to raise a child!!!



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Thesassysalsa wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • I loved this article and am happy to read I am not the only mom with rules. I am very frightened by the lack of respect I see in todays young youth. Everything is give me, give me and give me more. Not once have I heard how can I earn it.  I am proud to be an old fashion style mom in todays modern age of spoils.  My two girls have chores, your occasional spoils and I agree with kids this is our home therefore you follow our rules!  

      Thanks for the reads
      thesassysalsa



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marya1961 wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Thank you so much Yana, this could be a real eye-opener for some people.  My husband and I raised our one son to be courteous, thoughtful and humane...yes, there are plenty of children out there who not only disrespect other human beings, but animals and our beautiful earth...it can be a vicious circle with generations of families not having concern for anything..hopefully, there are plenty of kind, patient and loving parents who will make a difference with their children and that will carry into the future generations..*HUGS* estatic



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Geralyn Schulkind wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • GO YANA...what a loving and caring environment you have.  Yes, we/they need boundaries...you have done a great job of laying them out.  I love the “Children learn what they live” poem...so true.  You have showed them love and respect.  It is a never ending job...but they will pass it on.  Sounds like you are the best thing to happen to some of the kids.  Like your husband said, the girl was new...give her the rules...she will either love you or leave...not a problem...that’s my two cents!



            Report  Reply


    • +2 votes vote up vote up

      Allsinglesmeet wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Yana, I am almost 50 with no kids. I think one of the reasons is because my mother had a day care in our house and the kids were horrible sometimes. The parents were even worse.

      I have no patience for kids that have ill manners and it is the fault of the parents. There job as a parent would be so much easier if they instilled values and respect from the onset.  

      You did the right thing and probably as a result, your kid’s friends had more respect as they got older.  

      Be proud of the job you did with your children and never regret it. I am sure your kids don’t and will appreciate your efforts when they have their own children!



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • The proprietress of the local shop where I sell has two sons-one 16, one around 11. I met the 16-yr-old a couple of weeks ago, and when his mother introduced us he shook my hand! I met the 11-yr-old today and told him I was pleased to meet him. He replied, "nice to meet you too!" I was blown away and soooooo happy!!!There is hope.

      I have no kids...but does that keep me from having an opinion? NO! But I will keep it to myself. I will say this though-

      A show like "Supernanny" could never have taken place when we were growing up!!



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      J Knapp wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Manners are so important that is for sure. happy Great message!!



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Stephanie Wolf wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • It’s so true the lack of manners, courtesy, etc.  and
      YES, IT IS THE PARENTS RESPONSIBILITY. Unfortunately, I know a lot of parents that never learned it either, so how can they teach it if they don’t do it themselves? I applaud you for standing your ground earlier, and look how they have grown to appreciate you. I feel the same joy when my own children’s friends always call to wish birthday, holidays, etc, and make sure they stop in when they are driving by. Our unofficially adopted daughter is leaving for Bagdad in a few weeks, and made sure to stop by to Connecticut when she finished her training in New Jersey. (Stop by to CT??!!) We love her dearly, and the feeling is mutual.
      Even though you feel spent from doing it all your life, look at the rewards you have received.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Pursehappygal wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • I grew up in a household where I had not only two parents but 6. Two aunts, a grandmother, a great grandmother and a mom and dad (I guess a rather atypical Chinese household). You crossed one, you wouldn’t get sympathy from the others.
      We rang doorbells on our friend’s houses, even if they did know us. Our friend’s parents had every right to punish us if we were out of line,an send us home. We were then due back the next day with an apology.
      It is not anyone’s responsibility but the parent’s to teach their kids.Even though I don’t have children, I remember my own upbringing.Because my mom worked nights and afternoons as a nurse,it was a team effort,but the rules were the same.

      I laugh when my brother’s sons look at some of the kids who are around them, and they innocently look up at their father and say, “Dad,how come they can do that? Don’t their parents teach them things?” Out of the mouths of a teenager, a preteen and a nine year old.
      Until my brother came into their lives, these boys were raised by a single mom,who taught them well when she could have given every excuse in the world.

      I guess as a parent, it could be tiring. But as so many have said,and like my sister-in-law, you have great kids because of that.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Kelly Robertson wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • I have a son, Aaron, who’s as dumb as a box of rocks. Yes, I’m saying it. HOWEVER! His dad and I taught him manners and social skills and he’s making more per year (legally I might add) than any of us.  Whoo hoo to ME and Daddy-o.
      love, kelly



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Tara R. wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • I applaud you. I would wager to guess that you were one of the reliable constants in many of these kids lives. No wonder they turned to you instead of their own parents. But you‘re also right in that more parents need to step up an take their responsibility for personally. I get so tired of going out to eat, shopping, an evening at the movies and other parents acting like once they enter the building their job as parents is over and their children are  everyone else’s concern and not their.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Adriana Nagano wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • How true. Sometimes I think people feel they are being weak or subserviant to others when they show common curtesy or politeness. There is a big differance between them, besides if someone expects to be treated politely then they must be willing to do the same for others.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      007pouty wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Wonderful article Yanna.
      I am still in the process of raising my son (15). He was taught at a very early age "thank you", "please", "yes mam", "no mam" , etc. Today when he is with his friends and one of them or even he says yeah or uhuh , I'll stop whatever I'm doing and ask them to please repeat that. Usually, the second time they get it right. But, I see so many parents of these teenagers accepting "yeah", or "huh" for their answers, I cannot get over this. There is actually a law in Louisiana schools students must address teachers with a "yes mam, no mam, etc. NOT that it is carried out.  But the law truly does exist.  I'm almost ashamed of teachers, parents, older adults that take that kind of language from any child.  Yes, the child may not have been taught properly.  But, we as one of the above should make it a learning opportunity for the child.  You don't have to be ugly about it, it can be done discretely.  But, I'm like most of the women so far.  I agree with you 100%.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • I don’t think TV helps when all of these ads show kids being smart-mouthed and the parents standing there slack-jawed.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Angela 'Cocco' Williams wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Yana I think that you are awesome! We all have gifts and even though we may not look at establishing rules, setting boundries, holding youth accountable and teaching them a gift it is. It is also a way of generational mentoring. I am know by many as mom and it always humbles me because some of the youth and women who affectionatly call me this are not the people I would expect to. There was something that I did or said that stuck to their hearts and caused them to open this special place up to me. I have spent most of my life teaching and being a mother to many and sometimes I feel done as well however I can’t be. I say this because I know that everything happens for a reason. That encounter with someone, every hug, smile, word of encouragement or word of correction. Even the things we read affect our spirits. I believe that God uses us to manifest himself in the earth if he didn’t many of us would never feel his love. How often have we been feeling low and we meet someone or bump into someone we know and just because we spent some time with them we leave feeling better? That has happened to me many times. I had a very abusive childhood and it was the parents of my friends that touched my heart mostly. It was their smile or their teaching me the right way and sometimes it was just that they allowed me to come into their home. I wasn’t rude or anything and I did have manners, but I was not perfect. It was because they allowed me in just the way that I was and showed me unconditional love that molded me into the young woman I became.  We must be care to not get weary in well doing and we must be careful that we are not entertaining angels unaware. Keep doing what your doing and allow that mothering spirit you have to bless others. Remember its not you doing it alone. It is the God in you HIS grace and love, joy, peace and direction that they are getting. There is a reason that girl was put in your path.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Kathy Sall wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Yana,

         This article fits the kind of week I have been having at my job! You see I work with children in a public school starting at kindergarten thru the sixth grade. Let me tell you what I don’t put up with, it’s children thinking they can tell me what they want or when they want it. They do not get away with it in my program,  and yet they come back to me every year!

       Why? Because like you, I give them rules and structure in their lives. I make them responsible for the choices they make and above everything else, they must greet me everyday with a hello, how are you and then they sit down for the rest of their day to begin. If they need something they ask with May I or Please may I, if they don’t use their manners I do not respond to their questions. They come to me with questions about how to handle situations in school and I give them advice along with teaching them to be kind to one another. But lately, it has been trying, maybe I am tired, but I do see that it is getting harder to reach out to them in this manner, without hearing something negative from their parents. I believe it is due to the rate of broken families increasing each year, as well as our society becoming  a society that blames everyone else for their problems. Everytime when I have to have conferences with “mom and dad” about their child’s behavior,they point fingers at each other or blame their child’s friends. Parents want to find the easy way out of being a parent. One day, hopefully, it will turn back around when “our” children make a difference. In the meantime, I will continue to go to school everyday and hope that “today” I opened a child’s eyes! God Bless You Yana, and keep making a difference for them.

      Jadesmommy



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Cavoto wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Yana,

      Great writing! It’s amazing how many children are raised without mannners.  

      My home is the one that all the neighborhood kids hang out in.  Ironically enough, I don’t have as many issues with the kids as I do the parents.  Although I don’t mind having the kids at my house all the time, (I work from home) I hardly ever get a “thank you” for keeping an eye on my son during school vacation days. A simple act of courtesy is enough.  These parents just assume that I will watch out for their child because I’m home watching out for my own children.  (I have three) It’s just unbelievable how thoughtless some adults can be.  And their children will probably grow up to do the same!



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Hbrose wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Well said, Yana. Thanks for sharing this—it is our job, as parents, to make sure our kids develop good manners and become considerate, respectful people. I admire your house rules when your kids were growing up, and how you treated their friends and in turn they now have so much love and respect for you. That’s the way it should be. But, not everyone is going to fit that mold and you should try not to let that get to you. You did your job well above and beyond most. And now if the “new friend” is around enough, hopefully she’ll figure out that she needs to shape up, or ship out (maybe).  

      I’d like to think my kids are so well mannered, courteous and respectful. I know my daughter is, and my boys are for the most part. But then again, they are boys and I know they can use alot more prompting, still working on it!



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • It takes a village to raise a child.

      Indeed it’s the parents’ job, of course to teach manners, respect and courtesy however there are many authority figures in each child’s life. As adults, it’s up to every one of us to set an example.  

      (This is quite a loaded topic in my own home this week. As we speak, my 19 yr old is moving out. Disrespect is not tolerated in this house.) (He was given the option to shape up or ship out. He’s shipping out.)



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Ryan McQueeny wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Its the parents responsibility absolutely!!! I am the single mom of an 8 year old boy. I work fulltime and we are very busy. I don’t use the business as an excuse to not teach my son manners. I make sure that he is surrounded by good positive role models, myself included by the way. I am not afraid of hurting his feelings or making him mad. Honestly I think as a mom I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t piss my kid off sometimes. As much as I love him I am not there to be his best friends. We don’t have company often but when we go to other peoples houses I make sure he knows that he needs to follow THIER rules because its THEIR house. I would not be offended if my son was reprimanded at someone elses home for not following thier rules, even if they aren’t the same as my rules. As for the “mom look“. I have it DOWN!!!



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tracey005 wrote Jun 4, 2009
    • Nice to know that Iam not the only “wicked witch“around. My house is also “The House“. With 5 kids I decided very early on that I would rather have them at our home with their friends than out running the streets. I have to say that I totally agree with the whole RESPECT thing, as long as you treat my house and everyone in my house with respect you are welcome. Everyone used to tell me I was crazy to have all the kids at my home all the time but now they tell me they wished that they would have done it for their kids. I love being “the go to mom“.



            Report  Reply


About this author View Blog » 
author